No Objections Here!

It's summertime and that means pool parties, beach outings and last but not least weddings. There's nothing more traditional than a June bride riding off into the sunset with her prince charming. And so, not wanting to miss out on any summer time activities, Brad and I are going to a wedding tomorrow evening. We have known the man for about three years now, met him through my aunt and her partner. They met him at a local pub one night while listening to a band. He was alone and so they started talking to him and struck up a friendship. He started coming to all of their gatherings which is how we met him and he took a strong liking to us right away, especially Camryn. About a year and a half ago he met the woman he will be marrying tomorrow and when we first heard about them going out for their first date we all thought it would never work out. Obviously we were wrong since marriage is a pretty solid sign it is working out! They just seemed so different in many ways. She had been married before, he had not. She lived in her own place, he lived with his parents. She was short with brown hair, and he is a tall guy who has gone prematurely grey. And oh yeah, he's Autistic and she is not.
When my aunt and her partner first met Steven they knew right away that something was different about him. Having Camryn in the family has made them hyperaware of autistic behaviors and so immediately they assumed he was on the spectrum. But the super cool thing about my aunt's is they are the most accepting people you could ever meet. I think that comes from the fact that they have come across their fair share of prejudice in life which has made them all the more compassionate towards horses of different colors. Plus, they are just really nice people! So when they saw Steven at this bar by himself listening to the band they called him over and started talking to him. By the end of the conversation they had exchanged numbers and soon enough he was calling them every day, so thankful to have friends in his life.  He didn't disclose his Autism right away, but to the trained eye and in his case even the untrained eye it was obvious. When they told him about Camryn I think it opened the door for conversation about his own place on the spectrum. Now the thing about that crazy spectrum is it's so darn broad. And no two of it's inhabitants are the same. While Camryn struggles to communicate in a "normal" fashion Steven can express all his wants, needs, feelings and desires. Where Camryn can still not draw even a straight line or sum up 2 plus 2, Steven can maneuver his way around a computer like nobodys business, has read just about every book ever written and has his own website for a comic book he has written himself. He drives, had a very good job designing roadways until he was let go last year due to the economy and goes out to movies and concerts by himself all the time. For all practical purposes he is a regular guy, but autism is anything but practical you know and Aspergers has a way of taking regular guys and girls and setting them apart from their peers. And that was Stevens "problem". His social skills left much to be desired. While "Aspies" are extremely high functioning individuals who can live on their own and live very productive lives as well as contribute much to society, it is often times very difficult for them to form friendships within the "typical" population due to their social miscomings. They are known for being literal to a fault. Oh yeah, never tell someone with Aspergers to "break a leg" unless you want to be signing their cast.I remember one time someboddy told Steven "get outta here" in repsonse to something he said and he got up to leave, not getting the sarcasm. He speaks very monotone with not much variation in his expression, there are a lot of "Uh huh's" in his answers and don't take him to a birhday party unless it's ok for him to blow out the candles, 'cause he so will blow out those candles. When he laughs it is with reckless abandon, deep and hearty and with no realization that it may be just a little too loud for the rest of the people in the movie. Because it was so hard for him to make friends he started a collection of dolls that he refers to as his family. There are three of them I think, actually they are the main characters in his comic and in a book he wrote. The mother doll had breast cancer and then I think there is an angel doll too,,,,can't remember. But at the time we met him he was driving them around in the backseat of his car, oblivious to the fact that for a thirty something old man, or any man for that fact, that is considered just plain wierd. But not to Steven and it is an innocence that is so amazing and pure.
I remember the first time I met him face to face. I had heard all about him and how excited he was to meet Camryn. It was Halloween and my aunt was having her annual costume party. I was dressed as a bar whench and Brad in leiderhosen (sp?). As I made my way through the crowd I spotted a tall stocky guy in a tie dye tee shirt with big silver angel wings pinned to his back and a fuzzy halo over his head. Now mind you, this was a party put on by my aunt and her partner and if you have ever partied with gay men then you know they can come up with some pretty fabulous costumes so I just assumed he was one of their friends. But then I noticed how this "angel" was standing on the outside of all the conversations. Nobody was talking to him and he just kept moving from group to group hovering on their chatter. But shame on me I still didn't pick up on the fact that this was the autistic guy I had heard about. It wasn't until much later in the night that i was introduced to him and then it all made sense. He told me all about his dolls, and even had me take a picture of him and one of them, which to many would be really out there. But I'm Camryn Walkers mom and I smell stuffed animals on a daily basis and give my kid mulch to play with so for me it was just another day at the farm. He was so raw, so uncensored, so refreshing. But of course I see the beauty in it because that is my world. To those not familiar with autism or to those who fear different, Steven can make you very uncomfortable as he stands only inches from your face and stares at you without the thought that he is way too into your space box. And for those who don't know how to relate to him, the best option is to not, as in not talk to him at all. And that is so sad for Steven and all the others out there like him.
When my aunt first told me Steven had met someone on a dating site and was going to meet her in person I thought "Oh well this will be short lived". He hadn't disclosed online that he had Aspergers, which is a pretty significant piece of information and very hard to conclude through typing. But to all of our great surprise, the date went well and so did the next and the next and the next until Steven and this girl were at all the parties together, they joined us on outings and zoo trips and became part of the group. She was an introverted person by nature, liked to be alone, loved to read and was a homebody which was a perfect match for Steven. She wasn't a romantic and had no dreams of being whisked off on a white horse which was a good thing because Steven probably would have purchased a white horse and tried to hoist her on it's saddle in all his literal splendor. They bought a house together last year with the money he has saved from his entire working career where they have each created their own personal space and that works for them. It's working out and everytime I think about it I am amazed. I would have bet my firstborn daughter that pigs would take flight before Steven found a spouse, yet here I am going to his wedding tomorrow in a world of earth bound swine. Shame on me, I know.
I'm sure I will cry, no sob uncontrollably, at the wedding as this is a tad more close to home than most. My aunt and her partner are his "best women" and will stand up next to him at the altar. I really believe that without them taking the time to engage him in conversation that he would not be where he is today. They brought him into their world and since he has known them he has grown so much and learned to socialize so much better. Don't get me wrong, he will still blow out your candles in a heartbeat, but he he won't get up and go if you say "Get out of town!"
They are honeymooning in Paris...Paris! Who would have thought this "angel" at the party would be jetting off to the city of lights with his new bride? Not me, not any of us and it is a case where I am so happy I was wrong. So tomorrow I am going to laugh like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and eat cake like no one is looking. I am going to be like Steven, and what is wrong with that?

No Gift Receipt Needed

JOYYYY TO THE WORLD, CAMP COAST HAS COME!!
Deck the halls, Hallelujah and Jingle alllll the way baby!!  I know it's a little early for Christmas, even for Christmas in July, but I feel like a little kid on December 25th grinning ear to ear in delight over my favorite gift. Because anybody who knows us or knows the desperation of trying to entertain an autistic child over summer knows that Camp COAST is by far the best gift we could ever receive, even better then a Red Rider BB Gun. Oh yeah, it's just that good!
Now I say gift, and that's not quite accurate, as gifts are traditionally given to someone, as in, free. And camp is not free. However, if you divide the cost by the hours of childcare, it comes out to just less then five dollars an hour for seven hours a day of specialized care and activities for autistic chilren and that qualifies as a gift in my book all day long!
Last year when I initially heard about Camp COAST I knew nothing about it other than I could send Camryn virtually all summer and that's all I needed to hear before my interest peaked higher than Everest. I was desperate for help during the summer. We didn't have respite care at that time and although we had a fabulous babysitter, that can get expensive, I mean who in their right mind is going to watch my kid for $4.85 an hour? When I met a woman who's daughter attended Camp the year before and loved it, I practically fell to her feet begging for the info. I figured it would be like a school setting with teachers and an assistant or two and there would be art and music, you know, the usual. And that was good enough for me, as I knew if I didn't get Camryn in a day program then surely I was going to end up in one and I really stink at building  log cabins out of popsicle sticks. After talking to this mom more, I realized this camp was far more than I had imagined. Horseback riding, swimming twice a week, bowling, sailing...sailing, Camryn Faith Walker, feared by even the blackest beard, on a boat!! Amazing! And each camper is assigned their own personal teenage assistant, better known as CIT's (couselors in training). How cool is that? I signed her up, dropped her off and well, you all know the rest! So here we are again. Summer time....watermelons, lemonade, suntan lines and Camp COAST. The countdown has been on long before school let out as I am always, shall we say, concerned, about our summer activities. Having Camryn in camp not only gives her incredible experiences she would never be able to have had she stayed home with me, I mean, can you see me with Camryn on a catamaran? No, me either! But it gives her sisters and me the opportunity to spend summer the way it should be. Not banned from the summer mainstays like the beach or movies. And it gives me seven hours a day to do whatever I need to do that I wouldn't be able to do without Camryn attached to my hip, because once she gets home that's what happens, we achieve siamese status. Remember, even though chronologically she's eight, developmentally she is a toddler and going through the terrible two's for the third year in a row! Just being able to use the bathroom without locking her in her room and hearing her scream is such a luxury. Oh I could just let her roam free while I pottied, but only if I wish to clean up big piles of handsoap dumped on the floor, or find her out in the front yard, naked as Lady Godiva, trying to turn the hose on. But not today, for today I will use the little girls room for what it is, a rest room. Can you say simple pleasure? Haha!
So it's 10:30 am and Cam has been at Camp for two and a half hours. Her CIT this week is a boy named Daniel. When I dropped Cam off he took her by the hand and she led him over to the puppets. I watched his face as she spouted off all her catch phrases and wrenched out a few tweaks. She shoved a puppet in his face and told him to smell and I thought to myself "Even though I just met him, I feel very confident in assuming Daniel has never had a summer like this!" Cam was milling around the room like she had never been gone and I could tell this was going to be a great summer! I kissed her goodbye, told the teachers to have a wonderful day and walked, no, more like bounced out the door. My shoulders immediately loosened, my jaw unclenched and my lungs enjoyed a full serving of air. Beautiful!
I should be excercising, doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, and all the other things waiting to be crossed off the to-do list. But instead I am sitting on the couch while Natalie paints at the table with no worries of it being sabotaged and Riley lays at my feet, her fur in tact and jowels not manhandled for hours. I will get to work tomorrow, but today I am going to sit back and enjoy this wonderful present and I mean that in every sense of the word!

Starry, Starry Night

I feel like all of my posts have been so negative and gloomy lately and that's probably because they have. I am not a negative person by any means but the whole purpose of this blog is to keep an accurate journal of what it is really like raising autism. And if I am to be completely accurate then there is certainly going to be an abundance of heartbreak and frustration, as it comes with the territory. Telling our story in such a raw manner is not to gain pity from my audience, but rather spread awareness to those who have no idea as well as give a shout out to those sharing my shoes to say "At your wit's end? Feel like giving up? Wondering why it was you? Dreaming of something different? Blessed to have had the experience? Grateful for the opportunity to grow? Amazed at your inner strength? And tired as hell? I know exactly how you feel!" So that being said I am so very happy to report that today I have nothing but positive things to say about the past two days, well almost nothing but positive and I cannot tell you how happy I am about that.
Saturday Brad had to work....all day. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I wake up with a knot in my stomach somewhere around Thursday wondering how in the hell I am going to fill the first day of the weekend. With Cam waking up before 7:00a.m. the day can seem to go on forever and I often feel as though we are in some weird time warp where the hours pass for everyone but us. But this Saturday was such a pleasant surprise! Not at first though. Camryn woke at her usual ungodly hour and proceeded to loosen her babygate from the door jam, carry it down the hall and throw in on my bed, which I happened to stilll be in. "Do you have a wet pull up sweetie?" she said as she took off her pajama bottoms and five pound pullup and shoved them in my face. To anybody else, it would be weird, but around here it's the typical morning routine. I took her by the hand as she repeated "Let's put some panties on your booty baby" and you guessed, put some panties on her booty. I then followed her out to the kitchen where she opened the refrigerator for the first of at least a thousand times that day and grabbed a food item that she would take one bite of then feed to the dog. I poured myself a huge cup of coffee and turned on "Fresh Beat Band" Camryn's one and only television show preference. By this time it was about 6:20 in the morning, Mason and Natalie were still sleeping and I was wondering how on earth I was going to keep this girl busy for thirteen more hours! We watched "Fresh Beat" three more times and by that time all the girls were up and ready for the day. Mason and Nat were content to play their Nintendo DS's until I told them different but Cams, well you know. What to do, what to do??? Everyone I knew was busy so whatever I decided to do was going to be solo and that almost never turns out well when all three girls are involved. Our choices were very limited seeing as almost anywhere I chose to go was going to have other children there, which as you know by now can turn ugly fast. The only thing I could think of that would fill the day and wouldn't be a big deal if we had to leave early was the zoo. We have annual passes so if we got there and things got bad we could leave and come back another day to finish up what we missed last trip. But did I really want to take on the zoo with Camryn by myself? Was I really that desperate or more likely that crazy? Yes, yes I was and so I called Mason over and said " I am thinking of taking you guys to the zoo today." She looked at me as if I had just told her aliens had landed in the back yard and said with a total look of fear "To the zoo? All three of us? By yourself? You're scaring me!" I laughed so hard and said " I know, I'm scaring myself too, but let's go for it!" I got Cam ready and was about fifteen minutes from walking out the door when my mom called and to my surprise the plans I thought she had were for the next day so after a little begging and whimpering she agreed to join us. Praise the Lord!
The zoo is about a thirty minute drive which should be no big deal, but it is when Cams is in the car. She was in the middle row, with Mason and Nat behind her, but still within her ridiculous armspan. She was reaching around trying to hurt them and throwing things at them. I must have threatened to turn around twenty times, but decided to leave my nose in place, not spite my face and continue on. Once we arrived I put Cam in the stroller, said a little prayer, and entered with serious doubts we'd last an hour. We started with the orangutauns which may I just say are so stinking cute!! Cam's was cooing "Heyyyyy, hey little guy, I wanna give him a smooch, I wana hug him." We oohed and ahhed over their antics for a while and then moved on to some other animal exhibits. At each one Cams wanted to smooch, hug and give licky face to them. So far, so good and then the carousel came into view. I prepared myself for a scene but to my very pleasant surprise Cam did not freak out like before. Don't get me wrong, the girl was excited, biting her hand, tweaking up a storm, but she did not have a melt down while waiting which is unheard of. My mom took Nat and I took Cam and Mace. Of course Cam picked the horse highest up on it's pole and I nearly threw my back out awkwardly maneuvering all seventy six pounds of her up onto it's back. I buckled her and made a human shield of myself between her and a little girl behind her. We started spinning and she was shrieking with joy, shouting "Gentlemen, start your engines!" and just a hand bitin' away. Those moments make me so happy because she gets such joy out of something so simple. The ride ended and again I anticipated a meltdown but nothing more than a few whimpers for more before she shouted "All done!!!"signing it repeatedly and telling the horse "Night night!". Wow. Next was the kiddie coaster, Mason's favorite. I stayed on the ground with Nat, who is not a fan and my mom took Mace and Cam in line. Cam was freaking out, tweaking and shouting in excitement. My mom stood guard so no kids got pinched and to our surprise Cam waited as patiently as could be expected. There wasn't enough room for my mom to ride so Cam rode next to Mason. She has done this before but I always get nervous that she is going to break loose and fly off the coaster. Irrational I know but this is Cams we're talking about here. We watched the coaster climb up the track and Cam was tweaking away. When it began it's descent she looked very unsure and was clutching Mason's arm. They whipped around the corner and she was gnawing her hand in excitement waving at anybody she passed by. My mom and I cracked up....she can be such a happy little girl.
Again, getting off the ride there was not the tantrum I had conjured up in my head and I was feeling almost like a mom on a "normal" outing, or as close enough to "normal" as we could get. It felt good.
The day was hot, like 97 degrees hot so we stopped to get a shaved ice. They were huge so Cam and I split one. It was so cold and so refreshing and although Cams didn't get the concept of using the spoon to eat it I shoveled it in her mouth. At one point a spoonful of ice fell onto the stroller and grazed her leg. She began to fuss and I thought "Well, this has been fun, but now Cam has a wet spot on her shorts so we're going to have to leave", but surprisingly after drying her off with a napkin she was fine! A mircale on Zoo Lane!
We continued on through the zoo,making our way to Africa. Not the real one, but just as freaking hot! For three dollars you can buy a piece of lettuce and feed the giraffes. Yes, I said three dollars for a piece of lettuce. "It's the experience" I was told when I questioned if the lettuce was made of oxycontin. Well I tore our "experience" into three pieces. Mason fed the giraffe first, then Nat, who was a tad apprehensive and who wouldn't be of a foot long black tongue? Giraffes, the Gene Simmons of the animal kingdom. Then it was Cams turn. I wasn't sure she would give up the lettuce, as she sometimes likes to keep the food to herself. But to my surprise she dangled the lettuce in front of the giraffes speckled snout and said "Sit!" Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! My mom and I laughed out loud! The zoo attendant didn't even so much as grimace convincing me even further that to work at the zoo you must have absolutely no personality whatsoever. Guess they figure it would take away from the animals.The giraffe gobbled up it's treat and we moved on to the Okapi's. Okapi's are those creatures that look like the result of  a donkey and a zebra's one night stand. Cam really took a liking to them and kept saying "Heyyyyyy Copy, heyyyyy copy! He needs a hug!" And so went the rest of the day. Cam was calling out to all the animals,offering up hugs and "licky face" to any of them that would have it. When we first entered the zoo earlier in the day, Mason asked if we could stay till it closed at five to which my mom spouted out "No!" before she finished her question. But to our surprise we made it to 4:30! Amazing! The drive home was pretty much like the ride there, with Cam tormenting her sisters but after her stellar behavior at the zoo I gave her a free pass in the car and let Mason and Nat fend for themselves. It was payback for all their back talk.
So there you have it, a positive post finally! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. They may be few and far between like shooting stars in the dark of night, but that's what makes them so exciting.

I wrote this entry last week and forgot to post it, so I have to mention that since that zoo trip went so well, I decided to try it again this past Tuesday. This time I was by myself and this time, well let's just say it was quite a dark night. No worries though. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore.I'm pretty sure at this point in my life I could kick the boogeymans ass!

Summah-time and the Livin' is.......Easy?? No, That Can't Be Right

Okay so after my little rant the other day I am feeling better. Still frustrated with the current situation and behaviors, but moving forward with answered prayers of strength to face another day of screams and aggression. And my poor little Cammy......if it wasn't bad enough that she was stung by yellowjackets last month and then broke out in itchy welts on her body, this past Tuesday she came home from school with some seriously red cheeks and chin. I took her to the doctor and was told she had Fifth's disease, which is not nearly as horrendous as it sounds. It is a mild virus and by the time the rash presents, the virus has passed. It is only a serious threat to pregnant women and people with compromised immune systems. I was told to give her Benadryl and by the weekend it should be gone. Well, as of this morning, it was still there and not only is it red, but now her skin is scaly and her chin looks swollen. I'm not sure if this is a result of all the ithching she has been doing or if something else if going on. She is constanly scratching at it and when I ask her if she's itchy takes my hand and places it on her face as she whimpers. It breaks my heart.
Summer is approaching like a bullet train and I am trying my hardest to break my chronic procrastination habits and get a plan in place before the first of 78, thirteen hour days that need to be filled down to the minute. And first things first was a trip to the YMCA to sign Miss Cam up for Camp COAST. Last year we did all seven weeks of camp because summer school, or Extended School Year,as it is now referred to in the upmost political correcness, was not an option since we had just moved back to this county. This year I was planning on doing just three weeks of camp and then the four weeks of ESY, thinking our wallet would fare so much better. But the thing about summer school is, frankly it's a tease. It runs from 8:30 to noon. I totally appreciate the break, really I do, but what do we do from 12:01 to 7:30? With Mace and Nat, the list is endless....go to the movies, the beach, the playground, the mall, nature park, paint your own pottery, stay home and play, etc. But Cammy don't play that...any of it. I heard about an after care program that was being held at the summer school site exclusively for Autistic children. I emailed the coordinator regarding the price and to my surprise was informed that it was $15.00 an hour, four hours a day and a MINIMUM of four weeks of care was required. Sixty bucks a day? Ummmm, we'll pass. I was so bummed because I really wanted Cams to go to summer school for the consistency as her current classmates and classroom assistant, who I adore, will be there. But with the short hours, it is a real strain on my other two and their summer plans. I know it probably sounds like I am trying to get rid of Cams during the day and if I was to be perfectly honest, I am. But not because I don't love her or want her to be part of the family. It's because I do love her, as well as Mason and Natalie and I have to take everybody's wants and needs into concern when I make these decisions and as far as summer goes, Camryn gets nothing out of staying home with us except for a constant chanting of "No!" and extreme frustration. I would love nothing more than to be able to wake up on a sunny summer morning, tell all three of my girlies to put on their swimsuits, grab their flip flops and hop in the car 'cause we're spending the day at the beach. I would pack us some PB&J's, bottled water, some grapes, bring a beach chair, some sand toys and watch my kids build sandcastles and splash in the surf the way I did as a child. And for the past eight summers I have tried that, always in vain. Although Cam loves the water and digging in the sand, the beach just doesn't work for her right now. She needs constant supervision and will take off and attack a nearby child in a heartbeat. God forbid another family has the same idea we do and sits within a ten foot radius of us, exposing colorful buckets and shovels to Cam. She has no concept of asking, and so she goes over and grabs whatever looks cool, destroying castles in the making and pinching anyone in her way. It's really not a great way to make friends at the beach. She will go into the water without any concern that it could abduct her with it's current or fill her lungs in seconds. I have to watch her like a hawk, which means nobody is watching my other two. Out of the water she only likes to sit on the sand for a brief while before she stands up and starts shouting and signing "Done! All done!" She then proceeds to strip herself of bathing suit and swim diaper, not liking the way wet clothes feel on her skin. A whole twenty minutes have passed and I haven't sat down once, the kids haven't even finished the castles mote and Cam is over it. Yeah, really rather not do that this year.
So, instead of summer school I decided to put Cams in camp all seven weeks again this year. If it wasn't so expensive there would never be any question....going all summer would be a given. And really, saying it's expensive is a joke because it comes out to less than five dollars an hour.I mean, where are you gonna find that? But when you add it all up it is over a thousand dollars for the whole experience, but really, it is sooooo worth the money. They are going sailing again this year, doing the horseback riding every week, swimming lessons, and going to Big Cat Rescue, which I know it totally going to put Camryn in freak out mode as you all know her adoration for "White Tiger" and "Ba-cheetah's". She is going to have the time of her life and that is worth every penny. It's just a shame though that there aren't more camps like these available with funding provided by the government. It really puts a dent in your wallet and then if you have typical kids who want to do a camp, forget about it! Thank goodness my Dad is very generous and helps with the expense. And my mom always lets Mason pick a camp each summer that she will pay for. Because Mason has a love of animals, I signed her up at the zoo to take a weeklong "Junior Zookeeper" camp, which I think she will really enjoy. She will also take one week of "Rocketry" at the Science Center and one week with Natalie in puppetry at "American Stage". Other than that, I don't like to tie up the summer because after all summer is supposed to be lazy and carefree. All of my friends with school-aged children talk about how they love summer because of the absence of schedules and freedom to have fun. Whereas I cringe at the thought of having to entertain Camryn from sunup to sundown when nothing holds her attention more than twenty seconds. Mace and Nat? I am thrilled about summertime with them. I want to them to have the summers I had as a kid. Sleeping in, beach,pool,movies, friends over, etc. It is just so damn hard to make it happen with Autism always trying to steal the show.
I am hoping for a good summer. Thank God for Camp COAST and all the amazing people who make it happen. It is a blessing for us and so many other families and I hope one day it's not a novelty, but the norm. I hope that come August 22nd, (the day school starts back, not that I am counting days or anything) that we can all look back on this summer as our best one yet. That means less screaming fits, fewer battle scars and maybe even, dare I say, no poopy panties. So here's to the sweet smell of sunscreen, handstands in the pool and terrific exhaustion at the end of the day. And to castle's of sand that stay standing, at least until the end of summer.

Sorry Fergie, But Big Girls DO Cry

I am sitting here with blood shot eyes and a tear streaked face. I just let myself have a good cry. Okay, maybe wailing sob would be a more appropriate description. Or quite possibly, it could be referred to as a tantrum. The dog left the room, so it couldn't have been pretty. I threw a metal spoon into the sink like it was a dart aimed at a bullseye. I kicked the kitchen cupboards and pounded my fists on the wall. It was a pure and utter display of days, months, years of frustration being released and remarkably  well
choreographed to Camryn's incessant screaming. She is home today as the result of a rash on her face, which just as I told them, was confirmed to be non-contagious by the doctor.I like my girl to go to school because plain and simple I need it and so does she. Summer break will be here in 9 days and I do not want to see it until then. Right now as I type this she is in her room standing at her gate screaming bloody murder and banging her hands and head against the door. I'm sorry but people with normal kids do not have any idea whatsoever of this private hell. I am so envious of their "normal" behavior issues, what I wouldn't give to have that be my biggest struggle.
With it being the first of June today, I really intended to start out on a positive note. But emotions cannot follow a calendar and Autism doesn't give a f**k what day it is. I know I sound so bitter and truth be told, right now I am. I am definitely at a dip in the coaster. I feel so lost as to where to go from here. Where will we get help? When will things get better? Or will they?? Does anybody know how it feels to love your child so much but also dream of a life without them? The screams are so loud right now that my ears vibrate with each outburst. I cannot give in though. She has to learn to be in her room by herself and "play". I did this with Mason too, but she was one at the time.
I swear if the politicians who make the laws concerning the availability of ABA to families of Autism had to spend one hour in my very uncomfortable shoes they would see to it something was done, that is only after they have slipped back into their fine Italian leather loafers.
Things are flying over the gate now. Her flip flops just whizzed past me and she is beating out a rhythm with her head on the wall. She will be nine next January and is already seventy six pounds. What if things get worse? I can't even go there.
I wonder if Kim Kardashian has any idea what Autism is? Or if Jennifer Aniston has a clue that there are way more important issues than her hair style? They wouldn't last a mintue in my world. Not a f**king minute. And I'll never know a minute of theirs. And so is life. This is mine. More importantly this is Camryn's and I just wonder why?
Okay, so I feel better now, although Camryn is still screaming and banging her hands and head. I usually give her twenty minutes. It's been fifteen and here she is now in front of me with her babygate in hand. She finally broke it,as well as me, down in the process. And it's only 12:30...
 I promise not to be so gloomy next post. This has just been a really trying month. Those who know me know I can always find a way to make it funny. And I have with these trials too. But sometimes I just need to whine and cry and scream and throw things. Basically pull a Camryn. Only difference is I can go back to being Eve and she has no choice but to stay Camryn. And for that I feel so sad for her...

Caution! Steam Ahead!!

So, if Maya Angelou knows why the caged bird sings, do you think there's any chance she might have a clue why the autistic child screams? Can you help me out Maya? Please?? Oh the screaming and the crying!!! And the screaming and crying from the other two about the screaming and crying from Camryn. If ever there were a cause for a mother up and leaving the family, I think this is a very justifiable one!! Of course I'm not going to run off in the night, though dreams of it play out in my head on a daily basis, but if I may be disturbingly honest, I don't know how much more of this I can take before I get out my overnight bag and set it by the door, just in case.
This is a vent session pure and simple. I have to get it out and now that Natalie is home with me all day again since Pre-K has ended, walking it out to the beat of my Ipod isn't an option. Therefore all of my pent up frustrations are now being fiercely typed out on the keypad. I know this is my life, I know I have to find a way to deal with it, and I'm trying to make lemonade, really I am, but dear God these are some sour a**  lemons!!
Since it has been a while since I last blogged, there have been several occurrances that have pushed me into this downward spiral. About three weeks ago I  asked Mason to pull Camryn in the wagon outside while I tended to Natalie and her freshly skinned knee. I ran a warm bath for Nat and left Camryn in Mason's care for a few minutes. As I passed the door I saw Mason doing her best to entertain Cam and my heart felt warm as I watched her dance around and sing to her sister. I quickly checked on Nat and then peered outside again to see Mace trying to swat something off her arm. Probably a spider I thought but then heard piercing screams and saw her running towards me in complete horror. "Mommy, mommy!!! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! Camryn.....the bees, they're on Camryn!! They're all over her!! I'm so sorry! I didn't know!" I raced outside to find Camryn buckled into the wagon, crying and covered in yellowjackets! I screamed and batted them away as I tried to get her unbuckled. They were swarming all around and I don't even remember actually getting her out. I ripped her clothes off and ran inside. A few followed us in and I was screaming hysterically, Mason was screaming hysterically and Camryn was crying and yelling. I stripped down to nothing, stripped Mason down and searched all of us for any remaining hornets. Standing there naked as can be, I threw Camryn down on the bed and began inspecting her to see how many times she had gotten stung. She was crying and kicking and twisting. I couldn't get a good look. She kept taking my hand and putting it to her eyes saying "Sting. Hurt". I looked at her face and sure enough she had been stung mulitple times directly under her eyes. They began to swell as did the bridge of her nose and she looked like she had been in a bar fight. The skin beneath them was purple and red. I noticed her middle finger on her left hand was three times its' normal size, obviously she had used that hand to try and protect herself and got stung in the process. I rushed her to the ER where they gave her steroids for the seven stings. I got out of it with just one and Mason by the grace of God had none! They told me to watch her for signs of further swelling, like in her throat and tongue. And watch her I did because one of the dangers of Autism is not being able to say when something doesn't feel right with your body. Camryn had no way of telling me if her tongue felt funny or her throat felt tight. It was a scary night. So after three days on the Prednizone, I thought we were in the clear. Two days after she finished the meds, her bus was extremely late coming home. I was just about to call the school when I spotted it turning the corner. As the doors opened I asked if there had been a problem to which the driver and the assistant answered simulaneously "Yes, a big problem!" They then went on to inform me that Camryn had bitten a small kindergarten student as she passed by Camryns seat. The bite broke the skin and really upset the child and her grandmother who called the school to complain. While I felt horrible for the child, at this point in the game the wow factor is gone. I am no longer shocked, stunned or overly emotional about anything Camryn does. I am constantly anticipating bad news, so when I hear it, I feel the appropriate emotions inside, but they rarely make it past my brain and heart to my face, I just don't have the energy anymore. "I'm really sorry that happened" I told them. I took Camryn inside and was in the process of taking off her dress when I noticed a large patch of red bumps on her chest. After getting her dress off completely I saw that they were also on her belly, her shoulders and under her chin. They looked like hives and she was putting my hand on them and saying "Itchy". OMG what was this now?? I called the Dr. and they said to give her Benadryl and watch to make sure they didn't get worse. Mayeb that was why she bit the girl. Maybe she was uncomfortable and so she bit someone. We'll never know. So for three days I gave her Bendaryl and put cream on her hoping they would go away. Well they didn't so I took her in to see the Dr and was told that they weren't hives, but a rash and that I needed to take her to an allergist. For real? Well I guess it makes sense seeing as that is the only specialist we haven't seen in this journey. That was a week ago and the rash is just now starting to fade. However it has been hell because Camryn has been so itchy that she is waking up at night crying saying "Put cream on it honey!!!" Yes, I am feeling so rested. And so is she. HA!
 I now transport Camryn to and from school and that has taken a toll on the kids and me, as our mornings were fairly calm once Camryn left on the bus and afternoon pickup was pleasant when it was just Mace and Nat. Now I have to keep Camryn separated from her sisters while they get ready for school so she doesn't pinch them. She gets past me every now and then though and then the crying and yelling from everybody starts.

School is out in two weeks and my blood pressure gets higher as the count gets lower. Sure, there's summer school and camp but I want before care and after care, a live in nanny and an on call therapist (that one's for me) ;) Actually I'd settle for a day without screaming. Twenty four hours of normal motherhood. Fighting over toys, name calling, stuck out tongues? Bring 'em on. I can take it. But the head banging, the biting and pinching and scratching and the screaming! Why? Why it this happening? Why is she doing it? And why is this our life? I don't know. The Dr.'s don't know. Probably not even Maya Angelou knows. Maybe we shoud have just gotten a bird.

A Garden of Eden It Is Not

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
For any of you wondering how it's been going lately, there's your answer! This past month has been horrendous! Hence the lack of blogging.
I love my daughter dearly, but if I could send her away for a while all expenses paid the girl would be on a bus outta here! I am not sure how much more screaming, head banging and aggressive behaviors I can take before I leave out on a bus myself!
Camryn has always had issues, that's nothing new. But the past several weeks she has taken them to a whole new level and it is really wreaking havoc on the rest of the family. Mason and Natalie are being assaulted by Camryn on a minute to minute basis and I'm sure Riley is wishing she could go back to the pound. Our neighbors say they don't hear the screaming, so I'm assuming their homes are soundproofed. Yes, it's been bad....very,very bad.
Brad is still having to work long hours at our business, so it is I who get's the privilege of keeping Miss Cams busy before and after school and lately it is getting harder and harder to find things to hold her attention longer than a nano-second. It used to be that bath's would keep her subdued for a good thirty minutes or so. She insisted the faucet be on the entire length of her bath, and at the risk of being hanged by the water conservationist's of America, I kept it flowing relishing that thirty minutes of peace. The past year or so though, Camryn seems to have lost her fondness of leisurely bathing and we haven't been able to find an activity to take it's place. I mean nothing! It is such a luxury for me to tell Mace and Nat to go read or play Lincoln Logs and actually have them do it, whereas I could tell Camryn those very things and she would look at me as if I had a third eye in the middle of my forehead and then go tug on Riley's jowels. She requires constant supervision and if I have anything to do after 2:30 in the afternoon then I may as well put it on the next day's to-do list because once Cam get's home, the umbilical cord re-attaches. I follow her around as she transfers juice from one cup to another, unsuccessfully I might add, and wipe her mess before I take her hand off the refrigerator door for the ump-teenth time, then into the bathroom where if I'm lucky she'll go IN the toilet, wipe her, back to the refrigerator, into her sisters room where she single handedly destroys their Tinker-Toy TajMajal, leaving a wake of wheels and rods strewn on the floor and her sister's screaming and crying. Oh yes, I adore afternoons! Love them, wish there were more than a mere five hours to fill before bed!
And to add to the chaos, Camryn has begun to engage in self-injurious behaviors more than ever,as well as non-self injurious behaviors, which means everyone around her. She has always been known to bite her own arm and hand, whether it be out of excitement or frustration. And she also has a history of banging her head against the wall or floor, but not on a daily basis. These past couple of weeks have brought about more of both of these behaviors than we have seen in a while. And while it breaks my heart (and my skin) when she scratches and pinches the girls and me, it smashes it to smithereens to see her stand in front of the mirror on her wall screaming and repeatedly banging her head against it and all I can do is watch through teary eyes. Last Saturday I sat on her bed and cried as she banged her head against the mirror. She would do about five, then come to me crying, taking my hand and putting it to her head saying "Hurt. Did you hurt your head honey?" I tried to hold her but she didn't want to be touched and so I let her continue, remembering that I had once heard an autistic child say through typing that they hurt themselves because it felt like their skin was on fire. Is that how Camryn was feeling? I don't know. I hope not.
On top of the head banging, she has also begun screaming more. I have no choice but to put her in room when she hurts us. I put the baby gate up and she sounds as if I were hammering nails through her palms. It is so loud and it usually coincides with Mason doing her homework. Mason begins crying and shouting out how she hate's Camryn and how this is so unfair that she has to live like this and I just stand there, the screams shredding my eardrums, looking at Mason knowing she is so right, it is so unfair. It is then that I tell her I understand her frustrations, that I know how hard it is, but that this is the family God gave us and there has to be a reason, though it may not be revealed for many years. She is a baby and a young lady all wrapped up in one freckled face and she nods in agreement as tears wet her cheek and she scowls at her sister. "Bloom where you're planted" I tell her, thinking to myself how hard it is to bloom when you are constantly under the darkness of Autism.
Nat told me the other morning that it would be better with just two children, her and Mason. Wow, I thought to myself. Four years old and she already sees the stress and hardships her sister can bring. I laughed and said "It would probably be easier but Camryn brings us so much laughter and happiness, so I don't think it would be better". Truth is though, I have that very same thought on a daily basis. Only difference is, I'm too old to say it out loud.
I get in these moods where I think about sending Camryn to a group home. I fantasize about life without the screaming and the aggression and the heartache. Brad and I took Mace and Nat out to dinner the other night while Cam was with a babysitter and I had such a wonderful time! This was what it would be like if it were just the four of us. Brad ordered fajitas since Camryn wasn't there to touch the hot skillet. We took our time because we weren't under the constant threat of a meltdown. No plates were thrown across the table, we didn't even blink as little kids passed by within arms reach and we laughed and talked with our kids uninterrupted. It was great! And for a while I mourned again all over the loss of a normal life for us. But then I realized, I may not appreciate this time with my other two girls as much if I didn't know a life without it. I brought myself back to earth and reminded myself my life is what it is and I have to find the best way to deal with it.
I love Camryn so much and I know without a doubt I would not be half the woman I am today without her presence in my world. She has demanded that I change, that I grow. She has humbled me, broken me and fixed me all at once and I cannot ever forget that. She is a victim, a prisoner and I have to remember that when she is expressing herself in the only ways she knows how. If I couldn't write I would no doubt be banging my head and screaming. All these words inside and no way to get them out!
I have an appointment with the neurologist this month. I have spoken with an ABA clininc and am even trying to get on the payroll at Home Depot, as their insurance covers ABA therapy. I am trying to do whatever I can to make this life we've been given the best it can be. I'm trying to bloom where I'm planted, and in the end I should be one gigantic flower, 'cause Lord knows I've had plenty of fertilizer!