Lost in Translation

I have never thought of myself as bilingual and that is a bit embarrassing, considering I took seven years of Spanish in school and all I can really say is "Hola, me llamo es Pedro", which clearly it's not. But the other day as I was listening to Camryn speak and found myself responding to really strange requests, I realized, I am totally bilingual, I speak Autism!
Because Camryn has a hard time putting words together correctly and prounounces things in her own dialect, many of the common words you and I would use come out a tad bit different. My favorite example is gum, one of Camryns all time fave things to chew on. While a stick or two would last most of us about twenty minutes or so, Camryn likes to change hers out every thirty seconds. It has only been in the past two years that I let her chew gum because I was worried she wouldn't understand that it's not something to be swallowed, so at six years old I gave her her very first stick of peppermint gum. Here's the funny part....when Camryn heard "gum" and the word "peppermint" used in the same sentence she put them together to make the word....are you ready.....government!! LOL So when she wants gum she says "I want some goverment". And when she's done with it and places the slimy wrinkled rubber in my hand she says "More "goverment" please"! And here's the best, when we are out and I give her gum she will shout "I love "goverment!" It is hilarious!!! At a time where people are really not all that thrilled with our country's leadership, they must really be wondering why our child is so gung ho about it!
Another of Camryn's phrases that cracks me up has to do with pretzels. Not just any pretzles, but pretzles coated in salt. The girl can eat some salt and a word of warning, do NOT eat pretzles or tortilla chips that Camryn has had access to because you will find yourself biting into a damp, soggy, and saltless snack. She likes to keep her loved ones sodium levels down! Any how, she associates pretzles with salt and has also put these two together. Whenever she wants a bag she will say " I want some "problem solved" and I know right away that she is talking about pretzles! And when we are at the grocery store and pass by the chip aisle she will shout out "I like "problem solved!". Again stares from the crowd and laughter from me.
This next one is a bit gross. When Camryn has to poop, she will go in the bathroom and say "Squeeze the meat out!" I have NO idea where this one came from and you can imagine the looks I get in public restrooms. Enough said...moving on.
Cams has accompanied me to the deli enough to know that I always order a pound of sliced turkey, and turkey is one of her favorite snacks. At home, she will go to the refrigerator, pull open the deli drawer and say "Turkey pound please". She signs the word more with her hands and keeps saying "Turkey pound. Turkey pound please!" When I give it to her she will answer "Thank you. I love the way you're sitting"! LOL She gets that from school I guess...cracks me up!!
A few weeks ago my mom and I were on a walk by the bay and we had Camryn in the stroller. There were several ducks in the water and I pointed to them and asked Cam what they were. "Look at the mother quack" she responded and my mom and I burst out laughing. In her eyes one of them was the mom and ducks quack, so there you go!
When I get Cam out of the bath she says "Paper towel please" which means she wants a towel. She refers to all music as "Michael Buble" and when I turn the radio down in the car she signs more and says "More Michael Buble please". When she puts her hand in the dog's mouth and get's her fingers wet, she finds me wherever I may be, wipes her hands on me and say "Eewwwww, teeth poop" and I don't miss a beat as I know exactly what that means. "Do you need wipes honey" translates into "I pooped!" and "My motrin hurts" means something is hurting on her! Smart girl, she knows I give her Motrin when she is sick. Anything that squirts from a bottle, whether it's shampoo or ketchup is "lotion" to Camryn and it goes everywhere lotion would go which can get really messy! When getting her ready for bed she says "Do you need a strawberry pull-up baby?" which means she wants me to put a pull-up on her. Not sure where the strawberry came from, but there must be a reason. "Cube-cubes" are kisses she gives to dogs,"licky-face" are kisses dogs give to her and "Ry-Ry" is every dog that she sees.
When over at my moms a few weeks ago, Camryn and I went next door to visit my mom's neighbor and good friend. Camryn knows her name is "Dale" but when she opened the door to greet us Camryn bit her hand in excitment and said "Hi next door!!" Dale and I cracked up and now Dale has a new nickname!
The list goes on and on and each one is cuter than the rest. You don't realize when it's an everyday thing how unique it is until you sit back and really think about. Each one of her sayings is a product of how she put the meaning and pronunciation of the words together in her brain. Obviously she is hearing what everything is,just how her brain translates it is so interesting. One thing that is understood by all is that Camryn brings so much joy and laughter to our life. You never know what you are going to get from one day to the next and that keeps it interesting. Who knows, maybe she has all the answers. Maybe all Congress needs to fix it's mess is a pack of gum and some pretzles. Government problem solved! Who knew it was that easy!

Moon Walk

These past few weeks have been rough. For some reason I have noticed a change in Camryn's behavior that is not very becoming. Thinking it could have something to do with her medications, I lowered her dose to once a day, but was disappointed to see that it really made no difference. It also crossed my mind that maybe she is acting out because Brad is gone so much with work. I know it has definitely affected the other two girls and me as well, so why would it be so strange to think Camryn would be different. We recently had a situation at our plant that has demanded most of Brad's time, leaving me basically as a single mom Monday thru Friday. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. and gets home at 8:30 p.m when the kiddo's are already in bed. He is beat, I am beat and it's not a good situation for any family and most certainly for a family of autism. With our list of places we can go that are "Cam-friendly" being extremely short, the girls and I don't go out much as a group except for car rides and really, how fun is that? But with spring in the air and the weather just too beautiful to resist, I found myself  teetering on the edge of reason when I was invited to join a friend and her kids for dinner at the beach.
It all started Friday afternoon. Natalie was invited to a play date at the home of twin girls in her class. It was so nice for her to be able to get out and experience normal play without screaming in the background or fear of being assaulted. When I dropped her off I had Mason and Camryn with me as well. I really did not want to bring Cam in because she had just gotten home from school and that is one of her worst times. But I didn't know the mom too well and I had never been to their home, so of course I wanted to come inside and talk to her for a minute before I left my baby there. The mother was so nice and very understanding of Camryn, who I was holding onto with a death grip. She was tweaking out of excitement and wanted so very badly to "give them nice touches" but there was no way in hell I was letting her lay a finger on Natalies friends. I held both of her hands tightly in mine and she wrestled with me the entire time I spoke with the mom, trying to escape my grasp. After a five minute conversation about what Natalie liked to eat and what time I would pick her up, I was literally drenched in sweat. Why does it have to be so hard?
On my way home, one of my best friends called to see about getting together with the kids that night at the beach. Her husband also works late, leaving her alone with the kids most nights. I reeeeaaaally wanted to do it. I hadn't been to the beach in a while and the air felt so good and the idea of sipping on sangria while the band played and the sun sank into the water made me high just thinking about it. But I also knew that while it would be beautiful and tasty, it wouldn't play out quite so smoothly in reality. Mace and Nat would be fine, as usual, but taking Camryn to a popular restaurant filled with small children was risky and letting her run free on a crowded beach? Downright dangerous! My gut said "Are you frickin crazy?" and my head answered with "Yes, she's frickin crazy!" but my spirit said "You need this, just go for it!" and my friend said "Come on, it will be fun!" so I did.
I picked Nat up from her playdate and intended on leaving Mace and Cam in the car while I ran up to get her. The mom came to the door and we were small talking about the girls when Mason bursts out of my car running and crying that Camryn hurt her. Then Camryn scrambles out, biting her hand and barreling towards Mason and Nat, Mason starts screaming for her to get away, Nat hides behind me and I make a mental note to throw this womans number away because she is never going to want to see us again. I got everyone calmed down and in the car, gave a weary smile at the woman as she waved goodbye and headed out to the beach, crazy as hell!
Camryn got into the glovebox five minutes down the road and somehow made it to where it would no longer close. She emptied all of its contents and threw them at me. When she got bored of that, she started pinching me. She is so big now that she can reach me even as I lean as far away from her as I can. I was scolding her but she just kept pinching and I thought to myself "Really Lord? Really?"
We get to beach and I see my girlfriend pull in with her kids. The first things out of their mouths were "Don't pinch me Camryn!" The girl has a reputation. We cross the street to the restaurant and it is packed! The wait was thirty minutes which may as well have been thirty days because I knew it was going to be long. We took the kids out on the beach while we waited. The restaurant is right on the gulf. It has outside seating on two decks, live entertainment and a fabulous view of the sunset, so needless to say it's popular. We were not the only ones waiting on the sand. There were kids everywhere! All sizes, ages, ethnicities. It didn't matter, as I've said before, Camryn is an equal opportunity offender. She will pinch and scratch just about anybody, so naturally I am scanning the crowd like a hawk on the lookout for prey, making sure no little ones are within Camryns reach. She is oblivious, loving the feel of the sand on her feet, running in circles laughing out loud. It was one of those fleeting moments of normality where for a few seconds she is just an eight year old girl and I love seeing her like that. But it didn't last long as she lunged for a kid passing by and I grabbed her hands.
There were seven in our party between my friend and our kids. The restuarant could not seat us all together, so the three big kids and Nat had their own table and Cam sat with us grownups two tables away. She did well during dinner, but I could tell she wanted to sit with her sisters. I couldn't let her though, she would hurt the other kids and whoever may have passed by. I felt bad, but I knew it had to be that way.
After dinner the kids wanted to go back on the beach, so we did. The sun was setting, the band was playing and the sangria had been oh so delicious! We ventured out onto the sand again and Cams broke free to run in circles. I ran with her, sure to keep others safe if they passed too close. I wanted to relax, but that is not an option when you are in public with Camryn. The other kids were having so much fun. They were racing each other, laughing and reminding me of my own childhood often playing on the beach at dusk. I pointed up at the crescent moon and had no sooner said "Look how beautiful" when I turned and saw another moon...Camryn's! There she was, in front of the crowd, butt naked! She had apparently gotten some water on her pants from a chair she sat on and so off with her clothes!!OMG! She handed me her underwear and shorts and I laughed out loud! "I have never seen the moon go from a sliver to full so fast in my life!" I joked with my friend. I shimmied her pants back on  and she fought me every inch. We told the kids it was time to go and Mason shouted out the she wished Camryn hadn't come. She has had way too many outings cut short because of Camryn and I felt for her. However, this was no time for a heart to heart, so we herded everybody back to the car. As we said our goodbyes I told my friend let's do this again, next time less kids and more sangria! She agreed. We drove home and I called Brad to let him know we were on our way. "We stayed until the moon came out" I told him and Mason and I burst out laughing. After all, what else can you do?

Could Someone Point Out The "Break" Part?

I haven't posted in a while. Not because I didn't want to, but because last week was Spring Break and I think that explains it all. Every "break" from school makes me run screaming for the hills because the only break that happens in this house is the one before the word "down", as in Mommy is curled up in the fetal position on the floor again.
As a mom of an autistic child, I never look forward to any extended period void of routines or childcare. It may sound horrible, but I love the fact that for most of the year Camryn goes to school for seven hours a day where somebody else can keep her busy. My other two girls are not an issue. I love having time with them when we can go to the movies or the playground. I enjoy their company and letting them experience new things. But with Cam's it is such a different story, written in a completely different language. You all know by now movies and playgrounds don't work well with Camryn. Twice I had invites over the break to join friends and their kids at your typical kid hangouts and twice I had to decline, knowing taking Camryn to a kid filled area would be akin to letting Jaws loose at a pool party.....kind of a downer. I felt sorry for myself for a minute (okay maybe thirty) and then tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do to fill these nine long days of break. Monday it rained, so that slashed off number one on my list of one thing we could do that day. Our backyard is a good place for Cams as it is set up with her in mind. We have three "clubhouses" out there, a swingset, a sandbox and a jogging stroller for her to buckle herself into. But with torrential downpours in the forecast all day, the backyard would be uninhabitable for day one. Inside the options were dwindling. While Mason and Nat built a jungle out of plastic trees and animals on their bedroom floor, Camryn scribbled on a few sheets of paper before shoving them in my face announcing she was "all done". Okayyyyy, well there went three minutes filled. I tried to read her some books, and successfully got through four of them before she again decided she was all done with that as well. The only trick left up my very short sleeve was television, or as I like to refer to it "Old Faithful". Camryn will watch t.v, although the the variety of shows she likes are somewhat limited, as in two. There is the "Fresh Beat Band" and "Oobi", both of which are capable of leaving me banging my head against the wall to the beat of their theme song. I mean, you can only hear these things so many times before they start to embed themselves in your grey matter.However, I will gladly suffer any ill effects they may have to get thirty minutes of uninterrupted silence as Camryn loses herself in the screen. But even Cam has her limits and after about three shows she is ready to move on to something else,except after television I am at the top of my sleeve. No more tricks. And that is when it starts to become very clear that this break is going to be just like the last and the one before that.....very, very long.
These are the times when all the "I know this is for a reason" and "I am such a better person for going through this" start losing merit at record speed. When it is only 9:30 on Monday and Camryn has already pooped in her underwear, hit one sister, scratched the other, and molested the dog I squeeze my eyes shut and start thinking back really hard as to what malicious crime I committed to be given such a harsh sentence. And darn if I can't come up with anything! It is so hard to see the good when the bad is right up in your face, kicking and screaming. It can be so depressing and isolating knowing that other mom's are heading out for a rainy day movie or trip to the childrens museum, and you are stuck at home with two children who are pining to join along and one, who for reasons no one can figure out, cannot handle such an outing.
Obviously I got through it, as here I sit the Monday after break and I have not been confined to a padded room. And when summer comes, I will get through that as well, with a lot of help from summer school, Camp COAST and respite care. Praise Jesus that there are so many options available to get families like ours through the long months of summer. I am totally feeling bummed today and I know my post reflects it. No need to feel sorry for me though,as I am so blessed in many, many ways and reading the news reminds me of that every day. We all have our crosses to bear and it really just depends on how we carry them. We can either drag them on our backs, leaving us hunched over and weak or we can lift them up above our heads getting stronger with every step we take. I fluctuate between mild scoliosis and moderately toned biceps.
So tomorrow is another day and it looks like rain. While some may curse the skies wishing for sun, I think back to last week and smile at the idea that no matter how hard it blows or how much it pours, I will not have to keep anybody entertained except me and luckily I am easily amused. So let it come down! Bring it on!Cats, dogs, clapboard houses from Kansas! I don't care! I plan on sitting on the couch with a hot cup of coffee listening to the rain and nothing else. I  will call it my "Spring Break Break" and I will enjoy every minute of it!

Not So Fast!

This past weekend Brad and I and the kids got up at an un-Godly hour on a Saturday to go take a look at other men's trash. Translation...we went garage-saling. I enjoy a bargain just as much as my thrifty peers, but I also enjoy my sleep and really nothing could be on sale so much that I need to sacrifice slumber for it. Well, I can think of a few things, but I've never seen a sale on willpower and sanity.
Mason is really into thrifting and with twenty five dollars of leftover report card money she couldn't wait to go treasure hunting, which is why we made the effort to go. On Saturdays she goes to drama class from ten to twelve, so we needed to get an early start so she would have ample time to "shop" before leaving for class. Once we got dressed, filled up with coffee and in the car, our eyelids began to stay open on their own. My mom joined us as she also loves a sale. And this wasn't just any garage sale. It was an annual event in a very trendy neighborhood and sixty houses were participating, so there was a good chance we would find something that peaked our interest. We brought the wagon for Miss Cam's and headed down the sidewalk. Right off the bat, Cam spotted something she had to have....playdoh! It was used, of course, but who cares? She grabbed it out of the container, opened it up and before I could ask how much it was she was rolling it between her hands. Twenty five cents later it was ours along with a five dollar drum she had to have. A few houses later Mason spied a large Ziploc bag full of plastic Disney dalmatians and a few Lion King figurines priced at a dollar. She handed the lady her money and became the proud owner of not quite 101 dalmatians. By this time Nat chimed in that she didn't have anything yet and sure enough at the next house she found a stuffed reindeer that she just couldn't live without. Another dollar transaction and it was her's...but only for a second before Camryn ripped it out of her hands. Nat started screaming and crying and Cam started screaming and pinching. And I don't even know why I am going into any of this because the point of this whole story is a woman at one of the houses asked me if Camryn was "a little slow". Yes...YES!! She asked me that!!! In front of Camryn!!!!!  Cams and I had gotten separated from the rest of the fam and so as we made our way back to everyone we stopped at a sale and that is when it happened. It took me by surprise because I don't think in the past eight years anybody has asked me if my daughter was slow. They have looked at her and me with stares and glares and on occasion sympathetic smiles. I have had people ask if she was autistic, which I took no offense in because she is! But slow? That is so 1980's! I was standing there looking at stuffed animals and that's when she let it fly. She was standing on her porch steps so she was looking down at us, how appropriate, when she motioned to Camryn and whispered (but not really) "Is she a little slow?" It took me a moment to process, must be where Cam gets it from. I looked up at her, squinting my eyes in the sun and said "What??" She pointed to Cams and said "Slow, is she a little slow?" By this time I realized she was asking because she knew the look well from seeing it in the mirror every morning. "She has Autism if that's what you mean" I replied. She then told me she asked because she had a nephew who was in "special ed" so she was just wondering. "Ohhhhhh yeah, ok well, bye!!" I said as we headed out down the sidewalk. I was so ticked, but then I realized I shouldn't be because obviously anybody who thinks it's okay to ask a mother if her child is slow has some problems themselves. And when it comes down to it, Camryn has been slow in many ways. She was slow to sit up, roll over, stand, walk, talk, still waiting for reading and writing, etc. so in a way saying she is "slow" is accurate. But it is also accurate to say somebody who is heavy is fat and somebody who is not pleasant to look at is ugly. Accurate, but also very hurtful. And one thing I have been made so aware  is that Camryn is hearing everything we say. The girl is a sponge, she retains it all but you reaaaaally have to squeeze to get it out. So for this woman to say that in front of her made me feel terrible! In this womans defense though, I am Camryn's mom and have spoken in front of her for years as if she were a rock. So I do not expect a stranger to be any less assuming of her mental capacity than I was. It just shocked me though to hear that people still associate silent with slow. One of my favorite sayings is "Just because they do not talk does not mean they have nothing to say!" It is so true for so many Autistic individuals and luckily Cammy is verbal, even if it is not in a conventional way.
After I left that woman, I realized that now more than ever I have to spread the word that Autism does not equal stupidity. Some of the most brilliant minds are housed in silent temples. I forget because I live it, that many people still know so little about Autism and I cannot help but feel it is my duty as Camryn's mom to help educate everyone I meet about it.
When we got home, the girls went out in the backyard to play in the sun. Nat brought her new reindeer out and as soon as Cam saw it she flew across the yard in hot pursuit of "Rudolph". I had to laugh at the notion that just hours earlier a woman had asked me if Camryn was slow. Looking at her chasing Natalie around, slow she was not! I decided that God forbid anybody ever ask me is my child is slow again I am going to look them in the eye and say " Her? Ha!No way! She can outrun both of her sisters!"

If The Shoe Fits....

As many of you know, alot of children with Autism do not "play" with toys as typical children do. It is often an object not normally thought of as entertaining that autistic kids find interesting instead of the usual dolls and army men. I cannot tell you how much money and time I have spent trying to find something in the toy store that would amuse Camryn for more than a couple of mintues. Dolls...nope! Stuffed animals....uh-uh! Littlest pet shops? Not happening! And you'd think by now I would have long ago given up on my search for the elusive entertainer, realizing that Hasbro and Mattel ain't got nothin' on Rubbermaid and the U.S. Mint when it comes to keeping Cams busy. You see, most of the time it is a spoon and a plastic tupperware bowl filled with mulch that keeps Camryn's attention the longest. Or a coin. Could be a penny, quarter or fifty cent piece. She doesn't mind, because she doesn't care how much it can buy, only how it feels in her hand or the sound they make when she "stirs" them in a plastic cup. And I love that, the simplicity and the basicness of it all, I really do. But as a mommy of little girls, it is just part of my genetic makeup to want to see all of my daughters playing with Barbies and little ponies and stuffies.Mason has been an animal lover since the day she was born, a plush Pooh bear by her side in the crib. She never developed an affection for dolls, which was okay because eventually Natalie was born and she is constantly shoving bottles and paci's into plastic mouths. But Cams, she's different like that. She has never really taken to toys in general and on the rare occasion a doll did make it into her hands, she would hold it up to my nose and tell me to smell it. I knew this but continued to bring playthings home to her hoping one of them would snap her out of it. I even resorted to baby toys even though she was many years past toddlerhood, and they actually worked for a bit. She liked the ones that played music and lit up. But mostly it is empty shampoo bottles, metal buckles and plastic clips that make her happy. I have learned that I am the one who wants her to play with "real" toys and it is so silly because who cares what she plays with as long as she is having fun. Her room still has some stuffed animals and a few dolls, but mostly there are metal spoons and baggies filled with marbles and mulch, with a stray dogbone here and there. It's what she likes so that's what we give her.
Yesterday I got out Natalie's old dollhouse. I put it on the porch with a bucket of barbie dolls and watched Nat go to town dressing each one and making up their "conversations" with each other. It was so cute and I smiled to myself as I folded laundry a few feet away. When Camryn came home, I forgot it was out there and when I opened the door for her to go outside I rushed to pick up the Barbies before Camryn stepped on them. I was beyond shocked when I saw her reach down, pick one up and lay it down on the plastic toy bed in the dollhouse. "Night-night" she said and giggled. "OMG!!!!!!!!" Was she playing dolls? I have been waiting eight years for this!!! I stood behind her and watched with anticipation as she walked over to the pile of doll clothes and searched through for a matching pair of plastic black wedges. Oh my gosh!!!! She is picking out clothes for the barbie!!! OMG, OMG, O-M-G!!! She headed over to the table, sat down and.......tried to put the half inch Barbie shoe on her own size 1 foot. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but chose laughter. It was funny because after all isn't it always the cutest pair of shoes on the rack that never fit? After trying to put three more pairs of Barbie shoes on her big toe, and getting very frustrated that it wasn't working, she threw the shoes down and headed out to the sand box settling down with a nice big bowl full of sand and grass,once again teaching me a very valuable lesson....if the shoe fit's wear it, but if it doesn't screw shoes and go play in the sand! Love it!!
Nat went back to playing dolls, Mason was in her room reading a good book and Cams was shifting the "grass soup" from one container to another. Everyone was happy and at the end of the day that's all that matters. So my kid doesn't play with toys, so what? So when they are grown I will have Mason's old Pooh Bear, Nats beloved baby doll  and Cams favorite piece of mulch. It may not be the norm, but it's definitely par for our very interesting course!

I'm pooped!!!

Okay....I know there is a reason for everything, but really what could be the reason for me having to clean up poop on a daily basis? What am I to learn from this? Not to be easily disgusted? Learned it! To have patience even in the "stickiest" of situations? Done! How to thoroughly disinfect a bedroom, hallway and bathroom while wearing nothing but a towel on my head? I'm a pro! So what else is left? Why is this continuing to happen? Uuuuuuggggghhhh!
Can you tell I am frustrated? Well I am!! And I apologize that so much of my blog lately has had to do with poop, but this is a blog about raising autism and often times potty issues come along with it, at least they do at our house! You all know how Cams loves to fill her panties up while I'm in the shower, and I'm on to her....I am sooooo on to her! Last Friday I knew I was going to have to shower while she was home so as soon as she got off the bus I led her to the bathroom, plopped her on the toilet and had her pee-pee as usual, but then I told her to try and "squeeze a toot out". She knows what this means and thought it was funny and to my surprise it worked! I heard her having gas and I knew surely some solids would be following. Oh my life!!! So sure enough she managed to squeeze out some poop. I jumped up and down, praised her, wiped her and put her in her room to play, feeling so relieved that I would be able to relax in the shower....or so I thought.
I was all lathered up, as I usually am when she starts her crap (pun totally intended!!) and I heard her yell "Poop!! Do you have poop on your finger honey?" Okay....I have been mad before in these poop situations, like really, really mad, but the "poop on the finger" thing was a whole new variable in a very old equation and I thought my head might explode right there in the shower! "Mommmmm!! Poop!! I have poop on my finger!! Wipes honey!" This time I didn't even bother rinsing off as I knew I'd be right back in. I grabbed a towel and stomped out of the bathroom. And there she was, leaning over her gate, her shorts and panties thrown in the hallway and her fingertips covered in poop. It wasn't a great deal of poop because thank God I had her go before or it could have been so much worse, but this was bad enough! It was a pasty consistency, which is good and bad. Good because it stays in one place and bad because it stays in one place. It was under her fingernails and on her knuckles and it was obvious that she really had to work to obtain this specimen, if you know what I mean. She totally did this just to get me out of the shower!!!! This girl is something else!!
I cleaned her up, told her I was "very, very sad!!!!!" with her, spanked her bottom, put her in the room and locked her door. I finished my shower listening to her scream and bang the door.
Saturday was a new day. Brad was home and the day was going well. About 3:00 I put Cam in her room while I helped Brad load a couch we were consigning into his truck. She had been outside all day playing so some alone time in her room was a good thing. She started screaming at her gate so I closed the door and locked it, which usually quiets her down. I went outside and loaded the couch. It took maybe ten minutes. When I came to let her out sure enough she had crapped her pants!!! Oh I wanted to scream, and I think maybe I did! Why, why, why, why, why, why, why!!!!! It was everywhere and to make it worse she was wearing a pair of my shoes. A very expensive pair that I picked up for a song at a sale. They are silver and slinky and hot looking shoes and I have worn them... okay I have never worn them, yet! But Cams likes to wear fancy shoes so I let her play in them. Well, not anymore because not only was there poop in her jean shorts and panties, down her leg, on her feet and the floor, it was also on my shoes!!! Noooooo!!!
Jean shorts and panties in the trash, but not the shoes, I would find a way to salvage them. I cleaned her up...again!! Spanked her and back in the room. Obviously it's not working, but what the hell else do I do?? I feel like I have tried everything!
That night we suffered temporary insanity as we sometimes do and decided to all go out to dinner. There are few restaurants we venture out to as a whole family unit. Applebees and Chilis are usually the only ones we set our circus down at, but this night they were both jam packed and waiting is not an option with Cammy. The only restaurant we could find that didn't have a line was the Ale House. It's not my favorite and we have never taken Camryn there, but we decided to take a gamble and really we should have just folded and gone home.
We are seated in a booth, Camryn, Mason in the middle, me on the end and Brad and Nat on the other side. Things are okay, the girls have their sprites and we are waiting for our nacho appetizer. The waitress is taking our meal order and then it happens....Camryn drops her drink. It's in a kid cup with a lid, but the lid popped off and drink and ice went all over the floor under the booth. It shouldn't be a problem though because Camryn's feet don't touch the ground and therefore are not getting wet. But Autistic children often have a big problem with spills and they want them cleaned up....NOW!!! And Cams is one of those kids.She starts screaming and freaking out and the waitress looks scared. She is very sweet though and offers to get a mop if it would help, but we decline, knowing that would be an even bigger ordeal. Changing booths would cause more of a scene so Mason, Cam and I switch seats with Brad and Nat and after a little commotion all is well for a moment. The nachos come and after about four bites Camryn drops the tiniest bit of something on her shirt. Well forget about it, that shirt has to come off, also NOW!!! She starts grabbing my hand saying "Help me please! Shirt off honey!" I am trying to distract her so she may forget about it, but who was I kidding? She's screaming and crying, grabbing at her shirt, trying to get it off. I took her by the hand, told Brad to get the food to go and the bill and fighting back tears, escorted my screaming child past the crowd of gawking patrons who had obviously never seen a child throw a tantrum before. I got Camryn out the door and she was screaming for Brad and Mason and Natalie. I lead her to the car and sat her in the seat, where she continued to scream and "growl", calling quite a bit of attention our way. I took her shirt off and then dove into my trunk praying that in one of the Goodwill bags I keep forgetting to drop off there will be a shirt for Cams. Thank God at the very bottom of one of the bags I found an old pajama top. I didn't care that it was sleepwear and in no way matched her bottoms, pulled it over her head and made a call to my Dad begging him to come get her. No luck, he was sitting down to dinner and nobody else was available. I stood at the car wondering what to do. I had told Brad to get the check, but I hated that we had to leave because of Camryn's behavior, robbing Mason and Natalie of dinner out with the family. I decided to go back in and try it again. I walked Camryn to the booth and we sat down. The food was still being prepared and boxed, so we munched on the nachos while we waited. Camryn was much calmer now, but it required our constantly maintaining her mood, careful not to let anything happen that might upset her. She loves tomatoes, so we kept picking them out of the nachos and handing them to her. I held her drink as she sipped so there would be no spilling or dripping. It was working, but eventually we ran out of tomatoes. When Cams finishes eating, she will shove her plate in your face and that is if you're lucky. Sometimes she will fling it....it's something we are working on. Well, that night was more of a flinging night and it started with a few coasters headed Brads way. He caught them, but then Cams picked up a glass. I intercepted that one but not before she grabbed a steak knife with her other hand and Brad grabbed her wrist and managed to get it away from her. I grabbed any plates within reach and wondered where in the hell was our waitress? The food finally came out, we paid and walked out the door. The hostess said "Have a good night! Come back and see us!"  and I said to Brad "Ummm, did this chick just get here?" At home, we passed out the styrofoam boxes of cold grilled cheese and soggy fries. Not quite the dinner we expected, but what are you gonna do?
Sunday morning, I awoke at 6:45 a.m. to the sound of "Wipes. I need the wipes honey!" I got up, started a pot of really strong coffee and went in for the clean up. And so another day began...another day of raising autism.

Poop Diaries....Entry #1057

That's it!!! I give up!!! I am done, finished, over it!! I have made up my mind and noone can talk me out of it! I quit!!! Oh, but wait, I can't quit because I am a mom and mom's can't quit or the world will fall off it's axis, orNiagara Falls will come to a halt, or something catastrophic like that!
The reason for my extreme frustration and hissy fit stems from the usual suspect around here...poop. Ten years people!! Ten years I have been cleaning up poop from bottoms, underwear and grout lines. And okay, if this is to be my fate for years to come than so be it, but dear God can I please take a shower without being summoned to a cleanup???
So yesterday I am in a long awaited shower. It had been a crazy day and after cleaning and laundry, walking out in the sunny weather and running after the kids I really needed a shower. And scheduling a shower while Camryn is home is akin to scheduling a shuttle launch....conditions must be precisely right! It was looking promising though...Camryn had been bathed, had eaten dinner and the most important thing to check off on the pre-launch inspection....she had pooped in the potty, so I felt pretty confident that although there would be screaming and crying when I put her in her room, the chances of a blowout were slim to nil.
Mason and Nat were down in the family room doing homework and for a brief but glorious moment all was right with the world. I stepped into the shower and  lathered myself up. And I'm talking lathered! I have a lot of hair so it requires a lot of shampoo and conditioner and I always use a facial scrub, so the only thing free of suds were my eyes. I was totally enjoying the hot water pelting my shoulders and the tingly feeling of the  scrub creeping into my pores AND THEN....... the dreaded words.... "I pooped. Mommy did you poop?" I was so mad!!! "You have got to be f***ing kidding me!!!" I said to myself as I frantically scrubbed the shampoo out of my hair and cream off my face. "Okay Camryn, I'm coming!!!" I shouted through the curtain. "Pooped.....I pooped honey!" she kept screaming from her room. "Just once I would like to take a f***ing shower without all this bulls**t!" Oh I was mad and had I been Catholic would have needed to go to confession for the amount of swearing that was going on as I rinsed off like a madwoman. Just as I grabbed a towel for my hair I heard Camryn say "Did you pee honey? I peed Mommy." And sure enough as I emerged from the bathroom stark naked except for the towel wrapped like a turban on my head  there it was.....a big, squishy pile of poop swimming in a sea of urine, all with Camryn standing directly on top, like a candle on a really gross cake. I don't cuss in front of my kids, but the words that were going on under my breath would have made sailors blush. I honestly didn't know where to start, so I began with a big shout out to Mason and Natalie that they better stay where they were and if they came anywhere near the scene they would be in big trouble! I did not need any more of my children smeared in feces! I grabbed Camryn by her arm and held onto her as she lifted her feet out of the sticky poop.I led her to the bathroom leaving a trail of poopy footprints, over the bathroom rug which was then covered in poop and soooo going in the trash and into the bath. Before I sat her down I got about two inches from her face and very sternly said "WE DO NOT POOP ON THE FLOOR!!! WE POOP IN THE POTTY!! I AM VERY SAD WITH YOU!!!!" and then I whacked her bottom. She thought the words were funny but when I spanked her she cried, which is good because I knew she was crying that I was mad not because it hurt. I know it may sound horrible, but I cannot let her think it is okay to s**t all over her floor at eight years old. She knows better...I know she does. Either that or it is the biggest frickin coincidence in the world that EVERY time I get in the shower her bowels move. So I put her in the bath and head back to start the cleanup. Now mind you I am completely nude, and it is the middle of the afternoon so the blinds and curtains are open, and I am rushing through the house trying to get something to wipe this up with, but I couldn't have cared less who saw me or what they thought! I started to grab the paper towels but then realized that was never going to do so I grabbed a towel out of the closet and threw it on top of the mess. I checked in on Camryn in the bath to make sure she hadn't gotten a hold of the soap or shampoos and squeezed them all out in the tub as she loves to do and of course she had! Brads "man soap" as I refer to it was in her grip and by that time nearly empty as the surrounding water filled with manly smelling bubbles. Uuuuugggghhhh!! I grabbed the bottle, put it up high and went back to the mess.....and I was still nude. I decided just to cut my losses with the bath towel and the rug and throw them away. There is not enough Tide nor hot water in the world to convince me that all traces of poop would be gone after a couple rounds in the washing machine. I gathered them up very carefully so as not to get the poop on me and walked butt naked past my front window to the garbage can, then back to Cam's room with a bottle of spray bleach. About a hundred squirts later I felt I covered every possible area that might have been affected and then used almost an entire roll of paper towels to wipe up the room, the trail to the bathroom and the toilet seat where Cam had sat down for a brief moment before her spanking. I then walked through the living room again with a handful of nasty paper towels and as I was washing my hands in the kitchen sink, still naked as Lady Godiva, Mason decides to whistle at me and says "Nice outfit". I don't think you will be surprised to hear that I was NOT in the mood for joking and I let her know that as well. I went to get Camryn out of the tub and get her dried off. I put a clean pair of panties on her and told her she had to go in her room because she pooped on the floor and that was sad. She started crying and screaming so I closed the door and locked it, which was a suggestion given to me by a professional when asked what to do when she throws fits in her room. Door closed and locked, she then started banging her head against it screaming and saying "Did you bang your head honey?" I figured that after I got dressed I should also pack a small bag because surely DCF would be arriving any minute and that would be fine because I was so ready!! After about ten minutes the screaming stopped and I opened her door and let her out. I was now fully clothed at the relief of the neighbors and in need of another shower, but there was no way I was trying that again! I managed to keep the poop off everywhere but my hands and with about a half a bottle of liquid Dial I felt sanitized enough until this morning. Now that I was no longer cleaning up a crime scene in the buff, 'cause really that should be a crime, I was able to relax a little and find some humor in Mason's whistling epsiode. The whole time I was running around naked with towels covered in poop, Mason and Natalie were in the family room taking it all in. We don't save for college around here, we save for therapy because these little ladies are going to need lots of it!! We managed to salvage the evening by going for a drive over the famous
"thrill hill" and down by the waterfront. It was nearly dark by that time, but Camryn had her sunglasses on and a candy necklace stuffed completely into her mouth, string and all, just sitting there looking out the window sucking on the sugary beads. I looked over at her and laughed. At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, all the poop is cleaned and the urine mopped up, I know why I don't quit and it's sitting there right beside me and behind me, my three girls. As crazy as it gets, as gross as it gets, as ugly as it gets and it gets ugly (did I mention I was cleaning naked??) I know how blessed I am to be ringleader of this three ring circus and despite the hurdles and setbacks the show must go on.....and so it does.