They're Baaack!

The kids are back in school! Yay!!! I love my children dearly, but after spending ninety-something days in a row trying to entertain them I start to get a twitch in my eye, which clearly indicates my sanity and patience levels are dangerously low. So even though it felt like I had just closed my eyes when the alarm screeched us awake the first day back,not to mentiong it was pouring and we had to park out in a mud bog and hop-scotch muck puddles to get the kids to their classrooms, I was so happy to get them back at school no amount of rain could dampen my spirit.
Of course I still have Nat at home, but come next week she will be attending Pre-K for three hours a day and then world look out, because Mama hasn't had a free week-day morning in four years!!!  I cannot wait!!
 Mason was very nervous about the first day and understandably, as this is a brand new school for her, with no familiar faces in sight. I felt for her, because I had to start a new school in 8th grade and if I close me eyes and picture myself walking down those lonely hallways, my stomach still tenses up at the thought. But the thing about Mason is that although she tends to be shy at first, it doesn't take her long to warm up and each year I see her taking less time and less prompting to talk to new people. I have been working on this with her since she was a toddler, because if there one wish I have for her it is that she does not let fear hold her hostage,as it did me for so long. And Mace has an advantage over the other kids in her class because her teacher happens to be a friend and former co-worker of my mom's. And for the first day my mom, or "Gigo" as my girls call her, was at their school, helping kids find their way to their classrooms at the beginning of the day and to their parents car in the afternoon. For those of you who don't know, my mom works for the school system in the Title One division, which is why she was able to do this. My point is, Mason was nervous, which I took very seriously, but I made sure to point out how lucky she was that her grandmother was at the school and that was something most kids don't get to experience and that for all the knots in her stomach and fluttering of her heart, she was going to be just fine. And she was. Her teacher is awesome, her classroom is on the second floor, a stuffed Patrick from Spongebob sits in the reading corner and she saw a baby raccoon on the court at P.E. When you're nine, being impressed is easily achieved.
Now Cams, as usual, was another story. I tried as much as possible to prepare her for the first day. She has had so much change this summer that I can only imagine what she must be thinking. We moved to a new house, she went to camp over the summer with strange teachers and different "friends" and now I'm in her face talking about going to school tomorrow and seeing her teacher, to which she replied "Ms. Mills" (her teacher from the last two years) "No, not Ms. Mills. Ms. Lopez" I told her. To which she replied "See Ms Kimmy", her teacher from camp. "No,not Ms Kimmy, Ms Lopez. She's your new teacher at your new school." To which Cams replied "Mr.Bill, he wears a funny hat." Mr. Bill was her bus driver for the past several years and every Friday he would wear some crazy hat from his collection. We miss Mr. Bill. :(  "No, not Mr. Bill. Ms Lopez, she's your new teacher. And Mrs.Tee, she's in your class too." I was trying, but it's just such a mystery what she's comprehending. "Are you excited about going to your new school?" I asked as I tucked her in. "Ry-ry. She eats wet food. She likes licky face." And that was Cams thoughts about her upcoming first day of school. So when  Brad was putting her uniform on and I was fighting to braid her hair, the talk was of Riley and her "meat food". Well, at least she wasn't nervous. We dropped her off at her classroom first but because of the rain we were late and the class had already gone to P.E. so we took her by the hand and tried to find someone to point us in the right direction. Halfway down the hall we spotted Ms. Lopez. She walked up to Cams with her arms open wide. "There you are, I've been waiting for you Camryn" to which Cams gave her a snap and said "Ry-ry". And then Ms. Lopez took her by the hand, Brad and I gave her a hug and kiss, and our wishes for her to have a great first day and off they went, Cams and Ms Lopez. That was it! No crying, no hesitation, no "Who the heck is this lady holding my hand and walking me away from my parents?" Nope, Cams just went with it, as she normally does in these situations, which is both a blessing and a worry. I'm so thankful that she does not fear new people when it comes to times like these, as it is hard enough to send her somewhere new without really knowing what she understands about it and what she doesn't. I feel so guilty when I take her into a new school or camp and then have to leave her because I have no idea if she knows I'm coming back or if she's thinking "My mom finally gave me away. Guess I shouldn't have pulled Mason's hair this morning!" So the fact the she goes willingly spares me the heartbreak of leaving her screaming and crying. BUT, in other situations, like anywhere out in public, this carefree attitude towards strangers is really not such a good thing. The creepiest man in town with stringy hair, crooked,yellow teeth and soul-less eyes could walk up to Cams, offer her a lollipop and she'd take him by the hand talking about Ry-ry and Oobi and that scares the hell out of me! Which is something I hope she grows out of like tomorrow!
When I picked the kids up that afternoon, I spotted them sitting by the car circle, Mason cross-legged next to Cams with her hand up like Oobi, obviously trying to keep her sister amused. This year we decided to not put Cams on the bus, so her waiting in the car circle is a new thing and I was not feeling very confident that she would do well. Sitting Camryn in middle of a group of children can be a real gamble. Arms of every size and color, protected only by their shirts short sleeve, within reach of Camryns scratch happy fingers. And that's not all. Hair, hair everywhere, in ponytails, braids or worse ye,t free flowing, perfect for yanking and  pulling. Lanky legs and pudgy calves, criss- crossed applesauce in every direction. Oh the pinching that could be done! I imagined pulling into the car circle only to see kids running towards me, screaming in utter horror, a look of fear on their little faces, and Cams pounding the pavement behind them saying "I wanna give them a hug! Make good choices people" ( A phrase she took from her Pre-K teacher).
But no, to my welcome surprise, there were my daughters sitting with the rest of the school, just like any other pair of sisters waiting for their mom. My heart melted. It was a sight I thought I'd never see. Cams was doing it. She was doing it!! For all practical purposes she looked just like any of the other kids out there. So much so that the P.E. coach, a young guy about 30 or so, came over to her and asked her name, to which Cams replied "Ry-ry". Mason quickly corrected her,telling the coach her name was Camryn. Apparently, he didn't clue in that Cams was not your typical car rider and went on to ask her if she knew which car was hers in the line, to which she again replied "Ry-ry". Love it!!! I guess he was starting to get the picture, because he turned to Mason and asked " Do you know her?" And Mason answered, "I would say so, she's my sister!" Those girls crack me up!! I was watching all this go down from my spot waaaaaaaaayyyyy back in the line and I was wondering what in the world this man was talking to Camryn about. I was actually laughing out loud in the car when I saw Cams give him her "I don't care what the question is my answer is Ry-ry" look. As I got further up in the line, Cams saw me and broke away from the holding area. It was then very obvious that Sawgrass Elementary doesn't know Cams yet, because the adults were telling her to wait for Mommy, stop running, blah, blah,blah. Cams barreled through the crowd, her Ne Hao Kai-Lan backpack swishing back and forth hitting whoever was in her path. Thank God the speed limit is 0 in the car line because she ran right out to my car and opened the door, coach five steps behind her. Mason had tried to hold her hand, but fifty one pounds of skin and bones can't really restrain sixty five pounds of pure determination. Cams piled in the backseat, Mason was trying to climb over her, which agitated Camryn so she scratched Mason, who started screaming which agitated Cam more so she scratched Mace again, which made Mason scream louder and hit Camryn, all the while the coach is trying to shut the door and get me out of there so the line can keep moving. But Camryns backpack is in the way of her seatbelt and I can't reach it, Mason won't get anywhere near Camryn at this point and who could blame her and the coach seems oblivious that he needs to buckle Camryn. I can see the teachers with their walkie talkies, no doubt muttering that some crazy woman and her crazy kids in a land yacht SUV are holding up the line. I finally just say "Thank you, she's fine" so I can get out of there and pull over in the parking lot to buckle Cams.
That night at the dinner table, Mace is going on and on and on about her first day. How cool her teacher is, how gross the boys are, what they will be working on this year, who her best friend is,etc. After about twenty minutes I say "Okay Mace,let's ask Cams about her day. Cams, how was your day at school?" "Ry-ry" she says. "No Cams, not Ry-ry. What did you do at school today?" "Ry-ry" she answers again. "Cams, what's your teachers name?" "Ry-ry" she says. "Cams,your teacher isn't Ry-ry, it's Ms Lopez. What did you put on your tray in the cafeteria?" To which she anwered...can you guess? "Ry-ry" Now I knew she knew her teachers name wasn't Ry-ry, she didn't learn about Ry-ry at school and she didn-t put Ry-ry on her tray in the cafeteria, although it very well could have been dog because you never know with school lunch, but the thing with Cams is she will tell you when she's ready and chances are when you ask, she won't be ready. This is something I know about my Cams. As I was tucking her in bed, I heard her whisper "Ryland did a good job and Trinity did a good job" I recognized those names from the giant  laminated apple on her classroom door. Those were her classmates! "Yes Cams! Ryland did a good job and Trinity did a good job! Did Camryn do a good job?" She just giggled but I knew she knew I understood. She was telling me about her day the best she knew how. She didn't tell me what they sang in circle time or what she ate for lunch, but that's what notes home and monthly menus are for. That's how we communicate and although I wish it were more, it's so much more than I ever thought I'd get. She went to sleep and I got out her folder to sign her daily note. I added a comment on the bottom... "Sounds like Cams had a good day! I can't wait to hear about tomorrow!"

So This is What It's Like ( Thanks for the title Anna) :)

I haven't blogged in several days and while there has been much to talk about, there has been much more to do, but I couldn't wait anymore so with Natalie just picked up by my Dad for swimming lessons and Mason amused in her room with a movie, my only distraction is Camryn in her room,screaming "I need help!"from behind her baby gate. And although her screams are enough to make my ears bleed at times, it's only one kid making noise, which in this house is considered peaceful.
So this past weekend Brad and I took an impromptu mini vacation with Mason and Natalie to Orlando. Camryn didn't come and before you label us as horrible, uncaring parents, let me tell you why.
It  started last Wednesday when Brad said he was going to take Monday off and thought we could all go back to Busch Gardens again. For those of you who read my post about our last Busch Gardens trip, you probably will find no shock in my repsonse of "I'd rather poke my eyes out with sharp,pointy sticks!" Although the trip was classifed as a success as far as visiting a theme park with an Autistic seven year old, in the context of "I have a three day weekend, let's take Camryn to a theme park", it was a textbook crazy idea. And I so love my husband, because even in my total offense, he pointed out that yes, the last Busch Gardens excursion was rough, but we are a family, a family with an Autistic child and we need to do things together,even if at times it totally sucks. And I completely agree, which is why I went to Busch Gardens the last time. Did it, almost died, done for a very long time! I pointed out that while I admire him for wanting to include Camryn in all of our outings, that we also have two other kids who just might like to know how it feels to go on a trip without being scratched and bitten, and experience time with us where we can focus on just them and do what they want instead of what works best for Camryn. And oh yeah, without the horrified stares of several hundred people, you know, the way "normal"families do it.
Camryn had a fabulous summer, with horseback riding every Monday, swimming twice a week, sailing, bowling, bounce-housing, etc. so she certainly didn't miss out. And she was the only one of our girls who didn't get to spend alone time with "Nanny"(Brad's mom) over the summer because she had to go to camp. Camryn absolutely adores Nanny and "Papa Dave", so I knew she would be thrilled to spend a few days with them and they would be just as thrilled to have her.  So, it was set, what started out as a day trip from hell to Busch Gardens turned into a 3 day, 2 night stay in Orlando with Brad, Mason, Natalie and of course me.
As soon as we decided, I was like a kid going to Disney for the first time. Being a Florida native with Disney in my own backyard, I've been there more times than I can count. I've even been there with Mason twice. I've also done Downtown Disney numerous times, and two of those were with Camryn, but the last time I took Mason she was much younger and Natalie was a baby. Plus, the last two times were the ones where I brought Camryn as well, so while it was fun, it was challenging to say the least and it left me feeling drained and completely sorry for myself. But now that Mason was nine and Natalie four, they were the perfect ages to go on a trip and a trip to Orlando, you can't get more magical than that! We have never gone on a family vacation just us. We've taken trips where my mom and other people came along, but never just us and the kids because it's always been too hard with Cams. Not that we couldn't do it, as I know people do, but more that I didn't want to, as horrible as that may sound. We did take her with us to North Carolina once, but we couldn't hike or go into stores and the restaurants we did go in definitely knew we were there. Our condo was on the third floor with a balcony, so you can imagine all the barricades we had to make out of furniture and suitcases so Camryn coudn't get to it. The room she and Mason shared had a freestanding dresser which called for Brad and I to get very creative in how were going to secure it and it also had a lamp attached to the wall, you notice I said "had". There was a heated pool at the complex so we drove thirty minutes to town to get Camryn a bathing suit with an innertube built in. She was in the pool no less than a minute before she bit the tube, the suit deflated and we were out of the water for the night. Never mind the fact that  up until the last two months, she didn't sleep anywhere but her own bed, or sleep willfully I should say, so we brought the babygate with us to the condo,which caused major problems for Mason in the night when she had to use the bathroom. Can you say "Good Times!"
So, this my friends is why I was so excited to go on a vacation with my kids where I didn't have to worry about the neighbors in adjoining rooms waking up to screaming fits or worrying one of my brood would jump off the balcony.Not to mention, the freedom to roam amongst other families with young children and their tender skin, without the worry my child would draw blood or leave a bald spot. The freedom that you just don't think about if you don't have a child like Camryn. And what's funny is that, while one of the main reasons I write this blog is to educate those who have no idea what it is like, there were times on this trip that I found myself "lost" in the normality of it all,completely taking for granted that I was standing in an aviary at Gatorland surrounded by hundreds of lorakeets, my kids as well as myself covered in birds, with no thought that there may be a woman who couldn't bring her kid in because they would squeeze a bird to death in excitement. I sat with ease in the stands as we watched Shamu jump from the water, without the slightest worry the family behind me might have to leave early because their child couldn't sit through the show. And at Downtown Disney I walked, both hands swinging freely at my side, not even stopping to wonder if that woman in front of me with a death grip on her screaming son is doing so because he's a brat throwing a fit or if he's a child with Autism about to scratch a passerby. I had these moments, but I caught myself every time, as you can drive away from Autism but it is always on your mind. But I also had moments of "Oh my God, this is what it's like! This is what it's like to be a normal family!" Sure Mason and Natalie fought like cats and dogs, but that's normal.Natlie threw more than a few fits when she couldn't buy everything in the gift shop. But again, that's normal. And when Mason shouted out "This is the worst vacation ever!" when I scolded her for back talk, well that was just plain bratty, but also completely normal. It was something I had never experienced and while taking a trip with your kids is hardly a vacation, that is exactly what this was, a vacation from Autism. All the things that others may take for granted, I thanked God for under my breath. Waiting in line with little Natalie for the carousel. Taking a peaceful train ride through old Florida at Gatorland. Sitting on the sidelines while my girls splashed in the sprayground. All the things we would not have been able to do if Camryn was with us. All the things I wish I could do more of with my kids, all of them. But who's to say that I would have had such a great time, that I would have appreciated it so much if I didn't know what it's like on the other side. In fact I know I wouldn't have gotten so much joy out of having that time with Mason and Natalie and all their fighting and backtalk and gift shop fits if I didn't know the longing for it.
And when it was all over, and I pulled in my mother-in-laws drive and saw Camryns smiling face in the window I was so happy to see her. I walked in and she said " Give Momma a hug. Wanna see Ry-ry." She was sticky with pickle juice and smelled like Nicky, Nanny's dog that Camryn has her face shoved up on most of the day. As I bent down to give her a hug, Natalie walked past and Camryn pinched her. Natalie started screaming, Mason pushed Camryn , I scolded both of them. It was loud, it was chaotic, it was completely crazy. Basically it was our "normal" and it was going to make our next vacation so much sweeter!