Just Had To Write It

I haven't posted in quite some time. Lots and lots going on in life and the inspiration to write got buried under the to do list. But the other day I heard a comment that lit a fire under me and smoked that inspiration right out of my ears. While talking with a friend of mine, I learned that one of our mutual friends husbands made a comment to his wife that, as a stay at home mom, she "has never worked a day in her life". I was so  infuriated when I heard this I thought my head may explode, because as a stay at home mom myself, I know first hand how much work raising a child can be, let alone multiple children at one time.Our job requirements may be different from the traditional employee, but we are definitely part of the working world and our boss(es) can be a real #@*!
Do we stay-at-homer's have to get up and put on a suit to start the day? No, but I can tell you it sure would be nice to put on a skirt and heels for once instead of a t-shirt and yoga pants, knowing there's no use in wearing anything different as it is difficult to do laundry in heels. Do we have to be at the office at a certain time? No, and that is because we never leave the office, a,k.a. , the home. Oh sure, our clients may be gone for part of the day at school, but that doesn't mean that we aren't busy. In fact, even when we are completely alone in the silence of the house, we are still on duty, planning the evenings meal, staggering up a mountain of laundry and sweeping up messes that will reappear in a couple hours, only to be swept up again. We are ALWAYS on call, as NOBODY can replace a mother. There are no subs, or temp's. that can do what we do. When the kids are sick at school, who gets the call?? When the kids are scared in the middlde of the night, who gets the call??  When there is an important project due, who "stays late" to make sure it's finished? We do, that's who!
I have been a stay at home mom for a little over eleven years now. I was twenty five when I gave birth to my first daughter and kissed my own life goodbye. Because you see once you become a mother, you are no longer your first priority. Your hair goes months without a snip from salon scissors. Your amazing wardrobe hangs lifeless in the closet, practically molded to the shape of the hanger it clings to. Your hobbies, your passions, your talents....they all get thrown into a pot and placed on the back burner, simmering for years, morphing into steam and escaping into the atmosphere. Your social life consists of playdates, where holding a conversation with your friend that goes beyond thirty seconds is unheard of, with all of your sentences interrupted with " Hang on...quit hitting your sister, go play with your friends, take turns!!!"
People who don't have kids or parents who let their spouse take on most of the load often think "What's so hard about taking care of kids? You feed 'em, you wash 'em and you spank 'em when they're bad". And to those people I say "You're so clueless!!" Being a parent is not only grueling in that the physical demands are tremendous, but the emotional aspect of it can completely drain even the most stoic of souls. Raising a child is not just about making sure they eat their brussel sprouts and brush their teeth, it is about doing everything you can by the eighteen year deadline to make sure you have produced a kind, generous, smart, honest, responsible, happy, empathetic individual who has the tools they need to live a successful life and be a productive member of society. And let me tell you, it ain't easy!! With every adult who has issues in their life pointing the finger at their childhood, it is with no grain of salt that we do our job. Every other day there is a study in the news that shows how by doing things we thought we should be doing we may in fact be damaging our kids psyche and so we do something different only to see the following week that this new approach damages their psyche even more than the previous one. If you put any heart at all into raising your kids, the stress of "Am I doing the right thing?" can just about make you bald! There is a very fine line between raising a confident child and an entitled adult. You have to know the difference between a performance worthy of a standing ovation and a performance more deserving of kudos for trying. Then there is the issue of discipline and what approach will be the least likely to land your kids in a psych ward. I have a joke that we save for therapy instead of college. While spanking your kid can now land you in jail and rubbing bars of lye on your kids tongue is largely frowned upon, a parents bag of tricks is not the satchel it once was. It is now more like a clutch, stuffed with a few politically correct, socially acceptable choices. I'm sorry, but asking my child to "please stop hitting mommy" doesn't really sit right with me. And when I choose to go the old fashioned way and smack them on their bottom as I sit them in the corner and they bawl their eyes out I wonder, "Are they losing grey matter due to this trauma?? Will they be on welfare because I made them feel inferior?"
As stay at home moms, there is no glamour, no sexy. My husband often comes home to find me in jogging shorts and a loose fitting tee, my hair piled on top of my head secured by one of the kids hair ties. I'm sweaty and my clothes are crusted with boogers and tears and whatever I made for dinner. It's a somber reality knowing the woman he married was fresh and sweet scented with flowing hair and skinny jeans. And knowing that out in the business world there are women who still wear makeup on a Tuesday at noon and have a job that requires them to laugh at clients corny jokes makes insecurity rear it's terribly ugly head.
I often will drive to get gas at 9:00 at night, just so I can listen to the radio without having to answer why there are homeless people and how chickens eggs are fertilized. Pathetic, yet so very true. There is no commute to work, which I realize is not as glamorous as it may sound, but driving in the car to a destination that has nothing to do with housework and kids sounds really good some days. And being able to shut off the "Are the kids ok? Are the kids ok?" part of my brain and focus on something else would be really nice.
Dinner time, or should I say meal time, is always an event. You cannot have a fragile sense of self and expect to get through serving a meal unscathed, because the kids will rip you apart. "Ewwww, what is this?? This smells like barf. Why do we have to eat this?" I can't tell you how many times I have prepared a dinner that I actually had to use measuring cups for only to have my kids talk about how gross it was and how they wanted macaroni and cheese. Oh yeah, there is no glory in my kitchen.
Homework, do not even get me started about homework!! First of all, since when did half the school day get assigned to the parents to teach? I haven't had to do math for a very long time and the last time I did it was a fairly simple process. But how things have changed! I try to help my fifth grade daughter do a division problem and I am completely clueless as to how to do it the way it is now taught. I am supposed to be the smart mom and I look like an idiot unable to complete an elementary equation. My daughter gets frustrated, then I get frustrated and before you know it 105 divided by  6 turns into "Uggghhhhh,Mom you just don't understand!!!!!!!! I hate you!!!!!!!!" followed by a slamming door. Yep, this job is not for the easily offended.
Now this is just with one kid, add on another one, or two if you're really adventurous and the odds of making it eighteen years without being admitted go way, way down. Kids need attention, undivided attention. One divided by three equals something like .33333, which basically is thirty three percent of a mom, which is not nearly enough to take on one hundred percent kid. But what are you gonna do? So you give what you can give and you take turns with each one keeping in mind their own special needs and completely ingoring yours so by the time the day is done, you have a remaining one percent of yourself left and that is about enough to get you through brushing your teeth and climbing into bed. BUT, your husband has been off work for a couple hours now and he needs attention too. Ahhhhh, yes, stay at home moms work two jobs.....mom and wife and they have COMPLETELY different job descriptions and requirements. Take off one hat, put on the other, time for second shift. Not that we don't love our husbands and want to spend time with them, it's just that after hours on end of straight unselfish giving of everything we have to the kids, we really need a break!
Once the lights go out and your head hits the pillow, it would be a dream to think that you don't have to be at work until 8 or 9 the next morning. But the reality of it is, if anybody has a bad dream, a stomach ache, a wet diaper, there's no night shift...YOU are the night shift. And working a double is often routine.
And so goes the life of a stay at home mom. We are not miserable, bitter women jealous of other's in suits. We are not lazy, lounging ladies who live only to spend all our husbands money. We are professional,working women. Nobody has more experience in our field than we do.Nobody has spent the time and put the energy into our kids that we have. We have dreams that we keep secret and talents nobody knows. We are hot, sexy women, hidden under comfy clothes. We are still the women our husbands married and when given the chance to slip into that dress and prance around in those heels they remember why we have their last name. Becoming a mom is a sacrifice. The biggest sacrifice that has ever been. You give your life to your kids in hope that when they are grown, they will make this world a better place because you showed them how. It is THEE most important job of all time. Doctors save lives, presidents rule nations, teachers give knowledge, but parents grow people and what could be more incredible than that?

Puppy Love

Tuesday was a pretty special day at the Walker house. There was singing, there were treats, there was a homemade "cake". Why all the festiveness? Well, because it was Riley's "adoption day" celebration!
It has been two years since Riley joined our family. What started out as "just a visit" to the pound ended with our bringing home the best dog you will ever find.
I have always had pets. As a kid, we were never without a dog, along with the usual "accessory" pets like hamsters, rabbits, birds, etc. We even had a few cats thrown in the mix at one time or another, but I always considered myself a dog person overall. When Mason was three and Camryn was one we decided to get a dog of our own. I had been looking online at a pet rescue's website and had taken a strong liking to a young hound mix named Cheyenne. She had rust colored fur with a big white splotch on her forehead and a friendly look about her. When I heard she would be available for adoption at an upcoming event, I told Brad I wanted to go "meet" her in person, which we did and ended up bringing her home with us. She was a sweet, sweet girl and a quick learner, but at not quite a year old she was still a baby and with a three year old and a one year old, who was really like a six month old, we needed another baby like we needed another baby. After four months of trying to ignore her digging up the yard and knocking Mason over when she got excited we made the painful decision to return her to the rescue we had adopted her from. It was sad, but definitely the right choice. I dropped her off vowing never to hold a leash in my hand again until we were certain it was the right time.
Fast forward four years, another baby and a new location. Mason was now seven, Cams five (but really more like two) and Nat three. Our family was complete as far as members with two legs, but something was definitely missing. Mason had been begging for another dog since we returned Cheyenne. We tried to pacify her with a cat, which ended with another unsuccessful pet experience, this time no fault of the cats, but rather our own lack of judgement in thinking it would be okay to bring an animal under ten pounds within reach of Camryn. Eight of Fruit Loop Candy Princess's lives were spent within a year at our home before we decided with only one life left, she would be much better off in the hands of someone else, literally. After that we invested in a small fish tank that saw it's fair share of casualties, from the first batch of fish that all croaked in forty-eight hours to the two snails we drove an hour and a half to get only to add them to the tank full of new fish and have them infect each and every one of them with some deadly bacteria before they kicked the bucket themselves. Then there was the mouse....yes I said mouse. What can I say, I felt guilty that my daughter couldn't have a "real" pet because her sister tried to "kill them with kindness". "Tiny" was black and white and, well, tiny. I didn't want anything to do with him and only touched him when I absolutely had to. I would have Mason sit  in the bathtub when she wanted to play with him to ensure he wouldn't escape. She loved him and let him run around all over her. Three weeks after the Easter Bunny left him in a basket on our doorstep, I was out shopping when I got a call from Mason sobbing into the phone saying "Tiny's dead!!!" I honest to God thought she was pulling a joke on me with her Dad and said "Ha ha". Brad got on the phone and said "What is wrong with you? Mason's pet is dead and you're laughing about it?" Woops. Turns out she went to get him out of his cage and he was belly up in his toilet paper roll. Ewwww, it gives me heeby-jeebies just thinking about it. So then came the hermit crabs. Harry, Tom and Johnny (I liked to call him Junny because he had the Mexican flag painted on his shell...don't ask me why, that's how we bought him). I didn't care for these pets either, I mean come on, they were crabs! And crabs pinch! But Mason loved them. She kept them in a container in her room and took them out to "play" with them all the time. We would hold hermit crab races on the lanai every weekend, crowning which ever one made it the length of the porch first the winner. It took about two hours for one to make it all the way around, but you know, slow and steady..... But then one day the pest control guy came for our quarterly treatment, which included a spraydown of the lanai. That Saturday we held our weekly race and after two hours had passed and nobody was even close to the finish line we checked to see what the problem was and well, pesticides and hermit crabs don't play well together. RIP Juhnny.
So came the day we decided to think about a dog again. The local shelter was overflowing with potential pups so we piled the kids in the car, repeating over and over we were "only looking!" As soon as we entered the holding area barks and howls echoed through the room. There was the Catahoula Hound with one blue eye and one brown eye who stood up on her back legs and barked and whined for us to pet her. There was the ten year old mini pinscher who jumped up and down on all fours like he was a bouncy ball. Mason and I about peed our pants watching him he was so funny, but wayyyyyy too energetic for our needs. And then there was Jobie, a huge black and white mutt who looked as if she had lab somewhere in her, quietly following our every move with her sad, dark eyes. She never barked or whined or begged, just sat there watching us through the links. I passed her over thinking she was way too big and not particularly crazy about her markings. The man who worked there came over and asked were there any dogs we'd like to take out back and play with. I immediately pointed out the Catahoula with the beautiful eyes and Brad pointed to Jobie. "I don't like that one" I said, but he had his mind made up that he wanted to see what she was about so the man opened her cage and leashed her up. We took her out to a large fenced in area and let her run around. I thought Camryn was going to go into convulsions right then and there, she was so excited to have a dog in her presence. Jobie ran the perimeter of the fence, happy to be out of her pen. All three girls ran towards her and cornered her, which made me very nervous as I knew nothing of the huge creature. She crouched down and hung her head as the girls rubbed her and patted her. Brad was right there with them, ready to take action if the dog got aggressive. But she didn't, at all. The caretaker said "That's a good dog right there. I almost took her home myself, but I already have a lab and my wife would kill me!" I explained to him about Camryn and that we needed a dog that was mild mannered, loving and most importantly durable! He assured us that Jobie was the dog for us and that if we didn't adopt her we would be missing out on the chance of a lifetime because dogs like this don't come around often. "She's the perfect dog for your situation. I don't make anything off you adopting a dog today, so I'm not telling you this for my benefit. But from what you've told me and knowing your special needs, I am positive this is your dog." He seemed very sure. We noticed a raised area of hair around her neck and he explained that more than likely that was a result of her being chained up. They had found her running loose, so she probably escaped. A couple of her bottom teeth were broken off, which was unusual for a dog her age and she was missing the tip of her ear, maybe it had been bitten off in a dogfight. She had already had a litter of pups, maybe two, but she was no more than three years old. She had definitely had a hard start in life and her eyes told that she needed love, and lots of it. The girls were smitten and truth be told, I had grown fond of her in the hour we spent playing fetch and running her around. I pulled the man aside and told him we would be back in an hour. Brad and I took the girls to his moms telling them we had to run errands. Mason and Nat begged us to go back to the Humane Society and get Jobie. I told them we were only looking and that we needed to be sure they were responsible enough for a dog, so once we saw them completing their chores everyday we would think about going back and getting her. I am so bad. "Be back in a couple hours!" we told them and pulled out of Nanny's driveway to go pick up our new baby. The man walked Jobie out into the lobby and as soon as she saw us she ran towards us, like she had been waiting for our return. We filled out the paperwork, paid our hundred dollars and drove her home. Brad went to get the kids and I put the dog in the bathroom. When the kids got home they were so bummed that they still didn't have a dog. They really liked Jobie and they had hoped we could have adopted her. I told Mason "I know you wanted Jobie, but you have to show us you can be responsible first. I want you to go clean your bathroom as a start." She hung her head and turned the knob on the bathroom door. She only got it halfway open before Jobie burst through and ran out. "She's here! You got her???? Oh Mommy, Daddy, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!" The girls were ecstatic and Brad and I were so happy to see them jumping around in pure joy.
It's been two years since we decided to make Jobie part of our family and I believe with all my heart this dog was meant to be with us. She needed love and we had plenty of love to give, by way of three little girls. She was perfect in every way, except that crazy name, which we promptly changed to Riley. She has captured all of our hearts and filled a void in Mason that was yearning for a pet she could love and cuddle and would survive the bug guy's visits. For Nat it was like getting a dog and pony all in one, given that the day we brought Riley home she weighed in at ninety-five pounds. Turns out she's part American Bulldog and part German Pointer, which explains her size ( and spots!)  And for Camryn, well, I honestly don't remember what she talked about before we got Riley. Every answer to every question you ask Camryn has something to do with "Ry-Ry". "Cam, what's your name?" Her answer, "Ry-Ry". "Cam, what did you do at school today?" Her answer "I wanna pet RyRy". "Cam, how old are you?" Her answer, "What color is Ry-Ry? She is black and white." When she gets off the bus in the afternoon, her first words are "I wanna see Ry-Ry." When she wakes up in the morning her first words are "I wanna see Ry-Ry." While the other girls are watching t.v. or playing, Cam is on the floor, up in the dogs face, saying "Awwwwww, I wanna give her cube-cubes. How many paws does she have? She has two paws." It's not all a love fest, don't get me wrong. Which is where Riley being the best dog in the world comes in. I cannot count how many times in a day Riley is assaulted by Camryn, either having her jowels pulled or her skin pinched. Camryn squeezes her ears, sticks things in her nostrils and eyes and sits on her. If Camryn is upset she will whack Riley as she passes by and has grabbed her face so tight the dog has "cried" out. I always punish Camryn when she hurts the dog and talk to her about nice touches, but it hasn't seemed to kick in yet. Riley continues to go where Camryn is and not once has she ever so much as growled at Camryn. She is so gentle with that child, so understanding it seems, just looking at us with her dark eyes as if to say " I know she's special, it's ok." Although I have always had dogs and felt an affection for them, I have never really "loved" a dog, until Riley.
So Happy Adoption Day Riley! We may have walked into the Humane Society with the idea of rescuing you, but you my friend have rescued us with your unconditional love and affection and we are so happy you chose us to be your family. We love you Ry-Ry. Good dog :)

Daylight -Shmaylight

Wow, is it really Monday yet, or was it Monday and then someone decided we should turn the week back and make it Sunday again? No, it must be Monday because I am sitting at home surrounded by silence and Riley is laying on her back, underbelly exposed, an extremely vulnerable and dangerous position to assume were we not the only inhabitants in the house. So yes, it's Monday, but my goodness, did this day take it's sweet time getting here thanks to some fools idea we should add an extra hour to the already too long of a day!
Daylight savings time. I do not like this concept....at all. And I can guaran-damn-tee ya that whoever concocted this idea did NOT have an autistic child in their care,because there is no way in hell that anybody responsible for the twenty four hour care of a kid with autism would say "You know, the days just don't seem long enough so I know, let's add one more!!" 
This weekend was a long one, even before we tacked on an extra sixty minutes. And since we are "going back in time", let me go back to Thursday to set the scene.
Our respite worker comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays to watch Camryn so I can get some time alone or do something with Mason and Natalie. I came up with the idea that I would take the girls to get library cards and check out some books, seeing as they have read all the books at home at least 127 times. I thought it would be a great little outing and  also a great way to teach them about responsibility, you know keeping the books safe and all. I had tried the library with Mason several years ago when we lived in Port Charlotte. On our very first visit I checked out the "Lion King 2 1/2" dvd. When I returned it, I used the after hours slot, dropping it in and waiting to make sure I heard it land. The next day I got a call that they received the dvd case,but not the dvd. Seems the case was empty and I now owed them $29.99 to replace it. I knew the dvd was in there and I tried my best to convince them that it must have fallen out in the slot and surely it was wedged in there somewhere, but to no avail. My card was suspended until I submitted a payment of $29.99 to which I said "Well suspend this!!!!" And I haven't been back until now.
 We get to the library and I start to go all nostalgic on the girls, reminiscing about going to that very same library when I was their age and how exciting it was to look at all the books, etc. Mason was not so thrilled, but Nat totally bought into it. They each got a card and I had them stand in front of a poster about reading and pose for a picture with their cards. Again, Mason wasn't feeling it. In fact, she rolled her eyes and said " Uggh, this is soooo embarrassing!!" I thought to myself "Well, this is payback for your backtalk,ok??" "Say reading!!!" Picture taken, we moved on to the books and Natalie began grabbing them left and right like she had been denied access to publications of any kind and was making up for lost time. It was a little embarrassing! "Natalie, calm down. You're not even paying attention to what you're taking!" I said, waving a book about surfing I found in her pile. "Caring For Your Cockatiel? We don't have a bird Nat."  "I knowwwww", she whined "but they're so cute! I want to check it out." Whatever, I thought. After she had hoarded about twenty books I told her enough and we went to the older kids section for Mace. She is into spooky books and she was totally hyped to see her favorite author had made it into the library. She grabbed a couple chapter books along with several hard backs including one on making puppets and a book of poems for kids. We checked them all out and before we left I had them sit on the bench with their books stacked on their lap for another photo. Mason thought she would die of embarrassment,yet amazingly her heart was still beating after I snapped the picture. As we walked to the car I talked about what a big responsibility it is to borrow books from the library and that they have to be very careful with where they put them and not to leave them outside or get them wet, etc. And the number one rule for keeping them safe was "DO NOT PUT THEM WHERE CAMRYN CAN GET THEM!!!!" Camryn loves books as she loves animals...to death. While she enjoys looking at the pictures and having stories read to her, she is all about hands on experiences, getting in there and really "feeling" the book, as in tearing the pages out one by one and then tearing them into pieces. And the library, well they kind of frown upon that. So I stressed several times the importance of keeping these books out of Cam's reach. But you know the thing about talking to someone is that while you're talking sometimes you should just really be listening. I need to work on that.
So we got home, the respite worker left and the girls were getting ready for bed. Lately Camryn has been insisting she have a book to hold while she sleeps. She doesn't look at the book or ask me to read it, she simply holds it close to her all night. I let her pick one to sleep with and then when I wake her up in the morning I take it out before she has a chance to shred it. That night Brad was working late and I was trying to get them all to bed. Camryn spotted the library books and was reaching for the one about cockatiels. What was it with that book?? I told her no and she started screaming and hitting herself and while I should have just ignored her and stood my ground, it was late, I wanted them all in bed and I had a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Fro-Yo whispering sweet nothings from the freezer. I gave her the book thinking it would be okay because she was just going to sleep and I would be sure to get it first thing in the morning. Natalie didn't see the transaction, which was good because she would NOT have been okay with it. I got them all tucked in and made my way to the kitchen to get my boys out of deep freeze. I sat on the couch, ate frozen yogurt and watched trash t.v until midnight. I really love my alone time.
Friday morning I woke up late and had no less than nine minutes to get Camryn dressed before the bus came. And these are the mornings I love school uniforms because there is no question what she will wear and no issues of matching tops to bottoms. I miraculously got her ready and out the door on time then went to wake up her sisters. We rushed around the house and made it to school on time, but we were really pushing it. I had several errands to run that day and actually didn't return home until right before Camryn arrived on the bus. I made her a quick snack and then we left to pick up Mace and Nat. Friday's I always take them for a milkshake after school and then for a drive, so it was about 4:30 when we got home. Cam and I went directly into the bathroom for our own "Occupy" movement and Mace and Nat made their beds. After thirty minutes in the bathroom Camryn finally pooped. I put on a movie for the kids and made some popcorn. I was following Cam through the house as she rummaged through my closet looking for shoes and then into Mason's room where she likes to sit at Mason's desk and cut and glue God know's what. I had to run into the kitchen to start dinner and when I came back to check on her she seemed like she was actually behaving, just laying on Natalies bed talking to herself. I went back to cooking and checked in on her five minutes later. She was standing in the middle of the room and I could see her pants were sagging. Yep, she s**t her pants!
"UUUGGGHHHH!!!!" I grabbed her by the arm, took her in the bathroom, cleaned her up, cleaned me up, spanked her and put her in her room for time out for pooping in her pants. She screamed for the first five minutes but then she quieted down and I was able to finish making dinner. I unlocked her door and called her to the table to eat. We all sat down and talked about the day. Brad got home shortly after and took Mace and Nat fishing. I took Camryn to my mom's to play in her backyard while we had a glass of wine and for a moment all was right with the world.
7:30 we got home and I got Cam ready for bed. I walked into her room to close the blinds and I saw paper all over the floor. What the...? I looked closer and it was pictures, pictures of birds...cockatiels......uh-oh!! OMG!!!! I forgot to take the book out in the morning so Cam took it out instead, as in killed it, ripped it to shreds! #**%@#!!!!!! Well so much for our "free" library card! And there was nobody to blame but myself. If you put a mouse in a lions den what do you expect? After my initial upset, I found the humor in the situation. Wasn't I the one who had preached on and on about the importance of keeping the books safe and what a huge repsonsibility it was to have library books at home? Ha!! And wasn't I the one who handed that book to Camryn, doing whatever was necessary to quiet her screams so I could enjoy the rest of the night? I laughed out loud and then took a couple "crime scene photos". I cleaned up the mess before Mace or Nat could see and put Cams to bed.
Saturday we had planned to go to a fall festival at a local nature park. We have gotten pretty smart over the years and now take two vehicles to events like these in the very likely case that Camryn will have to bow out early. We brought the wagon for her and I stayed by her side to protect any kids passing by. The very first booth we came upon was advertising for "Big Cat Rescue", an animal attraction that houses lions and tigers and such. And one of their props was a life sized white tiger stuffed animal. Well you all may remember that Cam has a special place in her heart for white tigers, it's her very favorite stuffed animal, so when she saw this one that was twenty times the size of her own she clamored out of the wagon, ran over to the booth and tried to drag it off the table. The woman behind the table was smiling when she first saw Camryn running over, then her eyes widened with fear as Camryn grabbed the tiger by the ear and and started pulling it towards her. "Oh no honey, this is part of the display", she said, fully expecting Camryn to put it back in place after hearing that. AS IF!! I came to the rescue, as usual, and grabbed Cams hand, telling her to pet the tiger gently, he had to stay on the table. She did at first, but then she decided no, he would be much happier in her arms and tried to pull him off again, at which point I said "Tell the tiger night night" and dragged her screaming back to the wagon. Well after that forget it, her mind was on that tiger and she was fussing and handbiting as Brad pulled her in the wagon trying to get her as far away from the cat as possible. "We need to get her something to eat NOW" he said, so we followed the scent of kettle corn hoping a bag would keep her busy. On the way there, she spotted a toddler at the play area riding on one of those bouncy toys that has a big spring attached to it and is stuck in the ground. She got out of the wagon and started running towards the toy saying " I wanna turn. Wait your turn honey!" And she didn't take the sidewalk either. She cut through a section of trees and high grass, and there I was stumbling behind her hoping I got her before she ripped that toddler off the ride. I did, and she was pissed. It was a beautiful day, the air was cool, the sun was shining, local artists and craftsmen were set up in tents selling their wares in the park and there we were, Camryn screaming and tweaking and "growling" and me holding both her hands up in the air as I tried to maneuver our way back to the wagon. Everyone was staring and I just wanted to yell "What the f**k are you looking at??" But of course I didn't. I kept my eye on the prize, aka the wagon, plopped her in it and made a bee line for the kettle corn. Turns out, it was the perfect distraction, for me as well....that stuff is yummy!!We finished looking at the booths and then walked over to the area where the live animals were on display. Uh-huh, I said "live animals". I was sweating by this time and while Mace and Nat ran over to see the snakes and turtles, I took Camryn to see the birds of prey that live in cages at the park. She was so into them! Brad and I told her what each one was. "That's a vulture Cam" and she'd say in a high pitched voice "Hiiiiiiiiiiii! Ohhhhh, I wanna pet the "culture". We got to the eagle and she said " I wanna give him a hug. He wants his jelly belly rubbed. His names Beak Beak." There was a young couple next to us and they were trying their best not to laugh. I looked at them and started laughing to let them know it was okay, Cams is hilarious! Mason ran over and asked if Camryn wanted to pet a snake. "Do you want the snake to live Mason?" I asked her and she said "Good point! Never mind!" I did however let Cam see the snakes that were safely secured in containers with glass panels for viewing. She was fascinated by them and really, really wanted to show them with a hug. "I wanna give him a hug! Ohhhhhhhhhhh he's a good girl, I wanna give him licky face!" We were getting some looks, let me tell you, but I just laughed. She was cracking me up. We came upon a large metal bucket and in it was a huge alligator snapping turtle with a big sign above him saying "DO NOT TOUCH, I BITE!" I really need to get one of those for Cam! Haha Well Camryn saw him and immediately tried to reach in. "Awwwwwww I wanna hug him. He's a good boy". I grabbed her hand just in time and Brad and I decided now would be a good time for him to take her home, which he did. He also took Nat and that left me, my mom and Mason, and we decided to take a couple trails in the park and enjoy this rare opportunity. It was awesome.
Sunday morning I slept in and Brad got up with the girls. They watched "Wizard of Oz" and ate popsicles. Afterward they went out back and Camryn settled herself into a big hole the dog had dug. She found a metal spoon and a tupperware container and went to town spooning dirt into the dish, dumping it out and then repeating the process until her hands and feet were charcoal grey. I woke up at this point and put her in the bath while Brad made them lunch. At the table Nat was telling me about the movie they had watched, so I asked Cam "What movie did you watch today?" and she answered "Lizard of Paws!" Ha ha ha ha ha!! I cracked up!! After lunch, Cam escaped into the back yard and got into the hole AGAIN! Bath number two. I put her in her room while we cleaned up and she screamed and screamed and screamed. Brad ended up taking her for a drive and I finished up some laundry. We were going to my mom's that night for my brother's birthday dinner, but that wasn't until five thirty and it was only one. The clock was not moving!!! Brad and Cam came back but nothing would hold her attention. She was hitting Nat and abusing the dog so she was put back in her room, where again she screamed and screamed and screamed some more. At four o'clock I had to run to Target to get my brother's gift. Mace came with me and Nat and Cam stayed with Brad. I was going to go directly to my moms afterward and Brad was going to meet me there at five thirty. At five forty he still wasn't there. I checked my phone and saw I had a text from him that read as follows..."Cam s**t her pants". I laughed out loud because I could just hear him saying it matter of factly. Turns out while he was in the bathroom Camryn pooped herself, Nat ran to tell Brad and while Nat was telling him she pulled the poopy panties off and created quite a mess. I was so glad I was at my moms! They ended up getting there around six and we ate dinner. She was so excited to see my mom and my brother and VERY excited to see my mom's dogs, which were NOT excited to see her, as they enjoy being alive. We managed to keep her away from them and after dinner while we were getting ready to open up gifts Camryn stood in the hallway and said "Did you poop your pants honey? I need a wipe." Uggghhhh!!! Sure enough, she had managed to squeeze out a turd the size of a half dollar in her panties and get it smushed in there just enough that wiping it out and putting them back on was not an option. By this time it was seven but really eight and had some childless idiot not decided to tack an extra hour on to the day she would have been in bed. But no, just like the whales and ta-ta's, we must also save daylight! I cleaned her up and luckily my mom had some extra kid panties for just such an occasion. We changed her, opened the gifts, gave her some cake and Brad took her home while the other two girls and I stayed for a bit longer. At eight thirty (which was really nine thirty) we got home and the girls went to bed. Brad and I were exhausted! What a weekend!!!
I will be calling to check on the price of that Cockatiel book today and then trying to find one online to see what would be cheaper.... pay the library or buy a new one. I will also be purchasing a large package of underwear to replace the ones we tossed over the weekend as well as a big bottle of bubble bath and shampoo since we used quite a bit cleaning Cam up Sunday.I need some more frozen yogurt, a big bottle of wine and wipes, lots and lots of wipes.
So we may have saved daylight, but we spent a fortune doing it! How long until we get to "Spring Forward?" Now that was invented by a mom like me. "Do we really need twenty four hours? Couldn't we just shave one off, just for today?" Love it.

I Should Have Worn Ruby Slippers

Ok well, my fairy godmother never showed up. There was no Bippity, there was no Boppity, and the only Boo was from the occasional kid passing by in a  sheet. I gotta tell ya, I was a little ticked, but it's not totally her fault. It probably has something to do with the fact that at the last minute we had a costume change and she was probably a bit ticked herself that she was cast out of the evening. Camryn found a lion costume that we had purchased for the dress up box and refused to take it off, so with that I grabbed my eyeliner, pinned her arms and legs to the bed, colored her nose black and declared her the lion from "Wizard of Oz." Turns out it was a perfect theme, because later in the night I would be banging my black pleather boots together in vain, chanting in my head " There's no place like home, there's no place like home, please let me go home!!"

As we all know, Halloween fell on a Monday this year, which means there is alot to get done in the three hours between getting home from school and getting in full costume for the night and with Brad not being home until the very last minute, that meant I was going to have a very busy afternoon. Camryn came home with a pair of plastic fangs she got in a goodie bag and insisted I put them in her mouth as soon as she stepped off the bus. I was actually surprised she wanted to wear them, as she usually doesn't want anybody messing with her mouth. I was able to get them fitted over her teeth and she went right to the mirror and said "Roar I'm a monster! I'll eat your fingers for dinner!" I couldn't believe it! I started cracking up and she started laughing and for about thirty seconds it was like she was a normal kid and we were sharing a moment. Then she grabbed the teeth out of her mouth and handed them to me in all their saliva covered splendor and signed the word more, meaning she wanted them back in her mouth. Turns out, these things only stay in place until you move your lips. And Camryn moves her lips....alot! The whole ride in the car to pick up her sisters, she kept taking them out and handing me the spit covered teeth to put back in. At one point she shook them and drops of spit landed on my arm. Even though she's my kid, I was totally grossed out and when Mason and Nat climbed in the car with goodie bags I demanded they give Camryn something to eat immediately!!
We got home and Mason got straight to homework. Nat went in to make her bed and I went into the bathroom with Camryn. Lately I spend a large amount of my time sitting in the bathroom. Not because of my own intestinal issues, but because Camryn has a miraculous ability to keep her stool in place all day at school and then by the time she gets home it must be so stuck up there that it takes extreme effort to push it out. And while with Mason and Natalie I just allow them to schedule their bowel movements at their convenience, with Camryn I know that if I don't see her go with my own eyes, then I risk a Haz-Mat situation in her room in the coming hours. So everyday after we pick up Mason and Natalie, Camryn and I go into the bathroom for a little one on one time with the toilet and each other. I sit on the tub and she sits on the, well I think that's obvious, and we talk about her day, I make puppets with my hands and I come up with some pretty catchy yet concerning ditty's about getting the poop from her bottom to the bowl. Yes folks, my life is pretty glamorous! It usually takes on average twenty to twenty five minutes of seat time before she decides to let it go at which point I breathe a sigh of relief knowing I am free for at least an hour without the worry of a blowout.
I put her in her room, started dinner and then went to get myself ready for the evenings festivities. Mason was having a friend from school join us for trick or treating. This little girl has only been over one other time, at the Halloween party, so I don't know her all that well nor do I really know her Nana, who she lives with. She is a sweet girl and her Nana seems nice so I was happy to have her join us. I wanted to dress up myself to make it more fun for the kids so I dusted my face with green eye shadow, lined and filled in my lips with black eyeliner and drew black stictches around my lips and on my cheeks. I wore all black and put spiders in my hair. By this time dinner was ready so the girls came to eat quickly before putting their costumes on. Camryn got ketchup in her hair so I put her in the bath and gave her a quick scrubdown, then put her back in her room while I got her sisters ready. Natalie was a witch so I painted her face green and brown then dotted her nose with a big black wart. She ran off to put on her hat and Mason came in for her makeup. I was already sweating so I took the spiders out of my hair and pinned it up while I turned her freckled face into a spotted dalmatian. Halfway into the job I heard Camryn say from her room " Wipes honey" and I thought I would scream! "Poop, do you have poop honey? Moooooommmmmmm!! Pooop!" I was livid! There I was, green eye shadow dripping off my face, black stitches smeared by my lips trying to transform my daughter into a dog after transforming my other into a witch with thirty minutes until Mason's friend arrived and Camryn s**t her pants! "Uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" Mason already knew this was a take five and left the room. I opened Camryns door and there she was sporting a fresh pile of poo sagging down in the panties I had put on her not fifteen minutes earlier! And of course, it's consistency was not one where I could simply slip the panties down and wrap it up in toilet paper, no it was mushy and gushy and squishy and before I could help her step out of them she tore her panties down, smearing her legs with poop, "spilling" some on the floor and splattereing some on the shower curtain. Mmm-hmmm, yep, all this while Mason is waiting for me to finish her makeup, Natalie is wanting me to help her with her hat and my own makeup is smudged and creased from the sweat running through it. I scolded Camryn, sat her on the toilet and went to throw ANOTHER pair of underwear away. In twenty minutes our guests would be arriving and the house smelled like s**t. Oh well, it's Halloween right? I ran the bath AGAIN, wiped her butt and legs clean, wiped the floor, scrubbed the curtain and went back to helping Mason.
I managed to get them all dressed by the time Brad got home and my mom and Pam, a family friend, showed up soon after. Mason's friend arrived on schedule and much to my surprise so did her eight year old little brother. Her Nana explained she was having a crazy day and could her grandson please join us as well and she would catch up with us in an hour or so. Of course I obliged, but this poor kid had never met any of us and now we were taking him trick-or-treating? He lifted up his "Scream" mask to whisper a barely audible "hello" and I could see his eyes widen with fear when he saw Camryn galloping toward him, tweaking and biting her hand with excitement. "I wanna pet him!! I wanna give him a hug!!" She gets so excited when there are other kids at the house and not only was there one additional kid but two and she was super hyped. "Have you ever heard of autism?" I asked him. He shook his head and said he had heard of ADHD. "Ok, well, it's kind of like that.....Camryn's brain works differently than ours and she has a hard time communicating what she's feeling." He looked at me like I had two heads. "She is so excited to see you but her brain doesn't let her tell you that with words instead she may come up and squeeze you to show you how she feels. Do you understand?" Again, he just looked really confused. Meanwhile, Camryn was bouncing around, trying to get at him and we were all doing our best to intercept her aggression, because this little guy was about fifty pounds and seventy six pounds of autism was getting ready to tackle him. I finally just looked at him and said "Basically, just try to stay away from Camryn tonight, ok?" That he got and we all scrambled out the door, candy buckets in hand, ready to brave the night.
The first house we came to had two little girls standing at the front gate dressed up and greeting trick or treaters. They were about four and all I could see was bloody cheeks and bald patches if Camryn got anywhere near them. I grabbed both of Camryn's hands and guided her to the porch where I told her to say "Trick or Treat" but she just stared into space. The man dropped candy in her bag and I said "What do you say?" Again, she stared into space and then said "That was very nice of the man". Well, that counts in my book. I laughed, he laughed and we made our way back to the stroller she was riding in. Not bad. I was making sure to keep a close eye on Mason and her friend and her friend's brother, for obvious reasons and watching Nat. Nothing like two more kids to be responsible for! Camryn only wanted me to push the stroller and screamed, cried and pushed Brads hands away when he tried to push her. This is the stroller from hell, with it's wheels suffering from some sort of rubber arthritis and trying to maneuver it over sidewalks raised from roots and over curbs with Camryn sitting in it was quite a venture. The crowd was growing now and it was getting dark. We would stop at each house, the kids would go get candy then I would walk Camryn up, both her hands in mine. She never once said "Trick or Treat" even though last year she did. People could tell there was something going on and just handed her candy anyway. It was going okay until we hit the first house with a dog. OMG!!! If it wasn't hard enough to restrain her around other children, now we've got a dog in the picture???? This is a neighborhood where people love their dogs and consider them part of the family, so to them it only made sense to include them in the Halloween festivities, but I guarantee you not one of these people has ever encountered a child like Camryn or they would out of the kindness of their heart kept the dog inside, out of sight. As soon as Camryn saw the small white pooch, she started trying to wriggle her hands out of mine. "I wanna give him a lick! Awwwwwww, he's a good girl. I wanna give him a hug!" She looked as if she were walking against a strong wind as she tried to make her way to the dog and I tried to pull her back. And at each house the owners response's were all the same.... "Oh he doesn't bite" to which I said "Well she does." I got some very straange looks, but hey it's Halloween right?
I have to be honest and say that I was really disappointed with Camryn's trick or treating performance this year. Last year she really did well considering and I had thought that this year she would at least do as well if not, do I dare say, better. But she didn't....at all and it was exhausting repeatedly getting her out of the stroller, making our way through hoards of kids trying to ensure none of them got injured by her roaming hands, watching people's faces as she screamed and made strange sounds out of frustration and feeling just the slightest bit of self pity as I looked around at parents who simply stood on the sidewalk and watched their kids go independently from house to house. They have no idea, I thought to myself.
After about fifteen houses, Brad and I decided it was time for Camryn to call it a night and he opted to walk her home. I was so glad! She got to share in the experience but you have to know when to shut it down and it was so time to shut it down. At this point Mason decided she could not go on a minute longer in her dalmatian costume without suffering a heat stroke so my brother offered to run her home to change costumes. She and her friend left with him and Natalie asked my Dad to bring her back to his house for a while because she was tired of walking. Which left me, my mom, Pam and Mason's friends brother that I hardly knew! That poor kid, trick or treating with three strangers! It was awkward, sad and hilarious all at the same time and I said to my mom "We are making quite the memory for this kid right now!" He said he wanted to keep trick or treating while we waited for the girls to get back so I took him up and down the streets and guess what I did???? I stood on the sidewalk and waited while he walked up to each house by himself and said "Trick or Treat" and "Thank you" on his own. It was so incredible!! We went to about ten houses and I told my mom "I may not know this kid but I will take him trick or treating by himself every year! " It was a breeze, a nice, cool , enjoyable breeze.
The girls caught up with us again and Mason's friends Nana called to say she wouldn't be able to meet up with us after all, which was no problem because her grandkids were no trouble. In fact I ended up letting them trick or treat till 9:30 and then took them for a happy meal before I dropped them off at home. It was so much fun plus I got "Coolest Mom of the Night" award.
By the time Mace and Nat and I got home it was 10:30 and Cam's was long asleep. Brad said she had a hard time when they first got back but finally settled down after about a half an hour. All I knew was I was glad she was asleep because I didn't think I had the energy to deal with anymore autistic behaviors that night. Mace and Nat went to bed and I sat down to my own happy meal followed by about fifteen Halloween candy chasers. I earned them, believe me.
So that was Halloween 2011. Busy, fun....scary!!! And over, don't forget over! Next year will be another adventure I'm sure, and thank God I have 360 days to recover from this one before we have to do it again. I already have a costume in mind.....I'm thinking "Invisible Woman!"

You "Say Trick or Treat", I Say "Give Me The Candy Or I'll Pinch You!"

So today is Halloween, the scariest day of the year. This is the day ghosts will rise from their graves, zombies will stagger through the streets and the horseman continues on the hunt for his elusive head. Yes, all things spooky and creepy will be lurking in the shadows tonight. And if that doesn't send shivers down your spine, then how about this....Camryn will be out amongst the masses! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ah yes, Halloween. It is a favorite time of year around our house and has been for the last ten years. It is Mason's holiday of choice, her most beloved day on the calendar. I don't know what began her fascination for it, but ever since she was a toddler she has loved anything spooky, which I wasn't sure whether to laugh at or be very concerned. I have to say I did veer more towards the latter when at age six I bought her a rubber vampire doll she wanted and she slept with it at night like a twisted teddy bear. But hey, she's an artist and a writer, and we are kinda out there. Every year we make it a point to visit ZooBoo, a Halloween celebration at our local zoo. It has grown to become a family favorite and we rearrange calendars and decline lesser invites to make sure we can attend. As I have written before, ZooBoo with Cam's is interesting. She has done fairly well all in all, but there have been the occasional random pinching of strangers and blood curdling meltdowns. I just pretend we're part of the show and move along. This past year was no exception and except for a pinching episode that literally left my moms arm in bruises, no innocent bystanders were injured.
Last year, we added a Halloween party to our calendar of ghastly events. Mason started planning it in December no lie, so yeah, she was kind of excited. Brad and I decorated the inside and outside of the house, there was a spooky tunnel in the backyard with strobe lights, fog and creepy sounds. There were games and food and it was a blast. Camryn did pretty good, but again, there is always an incident and that year was no exception. This years party was even better than last. Maybe it's because Mason started planning even earlier, as in the morning after the last one ended. The spooky tunnel was back, we added some more games and I wowed even myself with my culinary concoctions. I hand carved a melon to look like a brain. It looked amazing, so what if I have carpal tunnel now...haha. I baked two crescent roll "snakes" stuffed with meat and cheese,then decorated them with food coloring. I made ranch dip with a carrot "hand" complete with slivered almond fingernails sticking out of it and hot dogs wrapped in dough to look like mummies. Then there was the "mud" pie, covered in Oreo "dirt" and crawling with gummy worms, which was a big hit with the kids. I made "bat" wings, "swamp juice" punch with gummy worm ice cubes and a seven layer dip that was sinfully delicious! Mason was so excited to have a new friend from school join the party this year and her friend had a great time, except for having to escape from Camryn, who was always within a five foot radius from her, looming in the shadows like a mini Michael Myers. She had pinched a couple kids already and you could see them running through the house screaming, but hey, it's a Halloween party right? It was kind of like a 3-D party game. Everyone survived with all parts in tact and Mason proclaimed it the "best party ever!" so all in all it was a success!

Tonight is trick-or-treating, and as always it will be an endeavor. The neighorhood we live in is famous for it's Halloween display. They go all out, I mean alllll out with spectacular decorations, hand spinning cotton candy on their front porches and even blocking off streets,lining them with torches and putting on shows. Two years ago they did a scene from Wizard of Oz and strung a cable across the street from one roof to another. A woman dressed up as the Wicked Witch and stood on the second story terrace of her home shrieking "I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!" while fire blasted up behind her and a flying monkey "flew" over our heads on the cable. This is not your ordinary trick or treat experience. We of course love it and Mason, well you can't smack the smile off her face as we wander up and down the streets taking it all in. Natalie loves it as well, although she is not quite as fond of all things spooky as her older sister, but I gotta give the girl credit. For five years old she is pretty stinking brave. But then again, she is Camryn's sister and ain't nothing scarier than an autistic eight year old who is frustrated beyond words (pun intended) on the rampage. So I guess you could say she's been through the boot camp. Now Camryn, she loves it all as well. She doesn't get scared of a bloodied head or a warted up witch in her face. In fact, when we went to Zoo Boo this year, there was a person dressed up in an oversized witch costume and Camryn went right up to her, grabbed her hand and said "Hiiiiiiii baby witch, she's a good girl. I wanna give him a hug." I about peed my pants, it was so cute! So,for Cam's the fear factor really isn't. But autistic kids can be very sensitive to large amounts of stimulus and even for the most even keeled folk, tonight's trick or treating surroundings could shake them up a bit. Camryn get's super excited about the most mundane things, biting her hand and tweaking her face so tight her eyes sometimes disappear. So when she is in the midst of all the craziness that we will be in tonight, it is like she is in a constant seizure, tweaking and hand biting away. Don't get me wrong, she loves it, but it is alot for her to process and not being able to verbalize it must be painfully frustrating. And by painfully frustrating I mean frustrating for her and painful for anyone within her reach. The whole city knows about our neighborhoods Halloween extravaganza and they literally bus people in to take part, so as you can imagine, it is pretty crowded. Ok, insanely crowded. And I don't mind a crowd, but when you're pulling a human crab in a wagon, crowds can be a bad thing, a very bad thing. And I know, it's Halloween, so if somebody get's pinched well, those darn goblins!! But Cam is going to be Cinderella and everybody knows Cinderella doesn't pinch. Maybe I should change her costume up a bit and she can be "Sinderella" or better yet "Break-the-Skinderella". Ha ha, then I could tell people she's just immersed in character. What usually ends up happening and what will probably happen tonight is there will be about six adults with us and the three girls. Brad will pull Cam in the wagon, I will stay on one side of her and another adult will cover the other. The remaining adults will keep watch on Mace and Nat who can go up to the houses by themselves and then I or Brad will walk Cam up to trick or treat, making sure both hands are accounted for. Every now and then one slips and she gets in a quick pinch to which I look at the crying kid and pissed off parent and say jokingly "Ummmm, trick?"
She makes it about two blocks and then we can tell she has had enough so Brad takes her home and the girls and I and the rest of our group carry on in search of more sugar. It is always a fun time and I have to say some of my fondest memories are the ones made on this ghoulish night.

It's 2:30 and I need to start laying the kids costumes out. Mason is going to be a dalmatian, Nat is a witch and Cam I already told you is Cinderella. Not the traditional princess, but hey, that stories been told a million times. The main idea is still the same. It's all about knowing when to leave. Cinderellas coach turned into a pumpkin and that was supposed to be some tragedy, but in our version Cinderella herself turns into something way scarier than a squash led by mice. Brothers Grimm got nothing on the Sisters Walker!

So here goes nothin'! Another Halloween with Cam's. I am definitely scared and could really use my fairy godmother right about now. I don't need a sparkling gown or a fancy updo, and I sure as heck don't need any glass slippers, I mean really...glass shoes? No, I'll be quite content with just a dash of calm, a sprinkle of ease and a big ole dusting of Bippity Boppity BOO!!! Happy Halloween!!!

Long Distance Calls

We talk to God alot around here. Not just talk, sometimes gasp, shout, and sometimes, just sometimes, cry. Our home is built on a foundation of faith, which is so appropriately Camryn's middle name. But the way we all speak to him in our own private moments as well our public outbursts varies greatly. So today I thought I'd do a post on what a family living with autism has to say to their maker.

As you all know, many times I walk into Camryn's room to find not only torn up books and broken toys, but stinky,poopy panties. And sometimes, she takes it up a notch with stinky, poopy footprints and stinky, poopy fingers. It's a phenomenon quite common round these parts and although I have moved way past the shock and awe of it all, I still find myself conversing out loud with God as I grab Camryn by her wrist and lead her to the bathroom. "Why God, why? What am I to learn from this? Patience? I think I have it down...really! Acceptance? Again, I've accepted alot of crap, and oh I so meant that pun, so I think I got it."
Meanwhile, Cams is trying to squirm away from me and usually ends up getting a smear of poop somewhere on my body. I usually stop asking the big guy questions around this time as I am too busy wiping Cams butt. As the toilet paper tears, leaving just my bare finger to finish the job, I find myself using the Lord's name in a very un-Godly manner, pairing it with curse words and then begging for his forgiveness right before I do it again. It's actually pretty funny now that I think about it, though at the time, humor is nowhere to be found. I know I shouldn't say those things, even if they are only in my mind and under my breath, but I think God understands. I mean, really,we're talking poop here.

Every night Brad reads the Bible to the kids and then we pray with them before bed. It's usually your basic prayer, covering everything from being thankful for our blessings and his mercy to helping the less fortunate. It is mostly Mason who says the bulk of it and then Natalie chimes in with her thanks for me, her Dad and of course, the dog. But the other night, Nat decided to tack on one more thing. It was dark and Brad was working late. I was dead tired from an especially challenging afternoon with Camryn and so ready for all kids to be on mute. Mason said her part of the prayer and I was secretly hoping Nat would have fallen asleep because I just didn't think I could stand there one more minute without falling over. But she hadn't. She began with her usual and then she started thanking God for the moon, the sun, the sky, the grass, etc. I was just about to cut her off when she added " and thank you God for Camryn's autism." Mason busted out laughing and Nat started crying and I was furious. "Why did you thank God for Camryn's autism?" Mason asked sarcastically. Nat was still crying, embarrassed by Mason laughing at her prayer. I sat down beside her and wiped her tears. "It's ok Nat, don't you worry about Mason." She looked up at me and said quite matter-of-factly "I thanked God for Camryn's autism because I don't care that she's autistic. That's what makes her Camryn and I like her that way!" Wow, my kids never cease to amaze me. "You are so right Natalie, you are so right." I turned off the light and not another word was spoken. Five years old and she already gets it. I was so proud.

Not only do we pray with Mason and Natalie, but I also pray every night with Camryn, though as most things do, it goes a tad differently. I tuck her in, give her all her comforts i.e. blankie, white tiger, and a book to hold, she has to have a book. I turn her sound machine to rain and put my face in her hair. I've said the prayer enough times that she knows it by heart, but whether or not I can get her to say any of it depends on the night. "Dear....." I wait for her to finish it. If she feels like it she will answer "Lord" in a very low, silly voice. I go on with "We ask that you...." And again, if she's up to it, she'll answer "forgive ush of our shins". Yeah, she says "shins", it's part of her silly voice that she talks in most of the time.We go on to cover all the things we are thankful for and then I say " We ask that you help Camryn....." and she finishes it with "To pleashe stop pinching and to ushe her words." Then I say "Please give all of us patience and help us to not get...." and she says "frushstrated". I then wrap it up with "In......" and Cams says "Jeshush name we pray, amen." It's one of my favorite times with her. Some nights it takes longer than others, as sometimes she will just lay there silently no matter how many times I prompt her. But I know she is listening to it all and could say the whole thing by herself if she were able. That is something I ask God for later in my own prayer.

There have been times, many times, that I have cried out to God in my moments of sheer desperation, trying to figure out why he chose this road for me. I'm happy to say  that it has been quite a while since I have had an episode like this and if I never have another that will be just fine with me. When Camryn starts her screaming and hitting her head, biting herself, as she often times does, I can usually handle it. And by handle it I mean  "check out" for the length of it, put on a straight face and maneuever around the house like a robot, emotionless and void of thought. It's the only way I have found to deal with it other than throw myself on the bed flailing my arms and legs, sobbing uncontrollably and biting my own hands and arms. But there are days, when I have had nowhere near enough sleep or just a little too much input, that I cannot handle her tantrums and those are the times I open up to the Lord, questioning his judgment and bargaining for a different way. I live by the philosophy "everything for a reason" but wow is it hard to reason an eight year old child shouting blood curdling screams while banging her tender head against the wall. He never answers in words, but I always feel a calm about me after my rant and just know in my heart that I was born to do this and I must go on.

When all is said and done and the sun has long gone down, I lay my head on my pillow and close my eyes. I thank God for my family, my friends, our health, and all the other blessings bestowed upon us. I ask for his forgiveness, I beg him for his mercy and I promise to do better with another day. I thank him for my children and pray he keep them healthy and safe, that he give them courage and guidance, strength and wisdom, humility and grace. And patience, lots and lots of patience.

And as always, he gives us what we need, though too often we confuse want with need and wonder why our prayers have gone unanswered. Like I reeeeeaaaallly want to be a size four, but I need to weigh  more than my daughter when she is refusing to get out of the tub and I need to lift her. And I want to live in a mansion, but I need to be near Camryn's room at all times in the event she gets stuck in her closet or poops all over the floor ( both of which are real possibilities). And don't even get me started with the stairs! And oh,  I sooooo want to live a normal life, but I need Camryn in it for it to be as it should. God knows these things and on days when I stress and worry I have to stop myself and remember....he's got this.

So this is how we talk to God and we have so much more to say. I know I will ask him again if he's sure I'm the one for the job. I'm sure Mason will seek his forgiveness a million more times for calling Camryn names. And I hope that Natalie will thank him every day for making her sister just the way he did. As for Cam, I don't know if she get's the whole prayer concept or not but if she does, I bet I know what she says to God. I bet she thanks him for Ry-ry and dog bones, liquid soap and tire swings, carousels and shoes. It's not your typical list of gratitudes but wow, maybe it should be. Typical or not, those things make her happy and at the end of the day if my daughter is thanking God for such instead of praying he keep her safe from strangers and make her skinny I can't think of any better way to respond to that  than a great big AMEN!

Rain, Rain Go Away, But Please Come Back Another Day

Your own perception is your own reality. Not quite sure who "coined" this, but it is so true.

I am a deep thinker. Always have been and probably always will be, which is funny because I am also such a "blonde" at times. I remember laying in bed in elementary school,trying to wrap my mind around what was here before God. If God created the world then where did God come from and what does nothing look like if there was nothing here in the beginning and what will it be like to live for eternity and all other kinds of crazy things that would twist my intestines into a knotted mess and leave me wishing I could just hit the pillow and fall asleep. My best friend Anna can tell you some stories from our youth of outlandish questions I had for my mom that most kids couldn't have cared less about knowing. Maybe it's because I am a writer that I ponder such things. Maybe it's because I'm nosey that I want to know all the details. Or maybe I'm just crazy! But most likely a combination of them all.

Today, on my morning walk I was running the weekend back through my mind. Brad had to work on the machine early Friday and all day Saturday and was going to spend  Thursay through Saturday night at his moms because she lives close to the plant, which meant I would be flying solo with the kids. When my co-pilot is gone it can become quite turbulent so I asked him if he would mind taking Cam with him to his moms for the weekend so I could do some not-so-Cam-friendly things with Mace and Nat. Brad picked Cam up early from school Thursday and the two of them headed down to Port Charlotte for a weekend with Nanny.

I know it sounds terrible but Thursday morning I woke up with an extra spring in my step knowing I would only have Mason and Natalie for the next three days and was excited for the "ordinary normalness" that would come with it. I knew that once Cam got on the bus our house would be "Autism-free" for a short while and it made the day so much easier to face. I kissed her goodbye and put her on the bus and I swear my posture improved immediately! I felt lighter, it was easier to breathe and I couldn't wait to pick up my other two girls after school and have a normal afternoon. Now I say normal, but actually what I mean is not-so-normal because a normal afternoon for us is Cam and I going to get her sisters from school and not even getting in the door before Camryn has hurt one of them, trying to help Mace and Nat with homework while Camryn either destroys the house or is locked in her room screaming, Mason crying out of frustration, Natalie crying out of frustration, Camryn crying out of frustration, me crying out of frustration and the dog once again asking herself "Do they really consider this "rescued?" Cam usually poops or pees on herself at some point, I put her in the bath while preparing dinner only to come back and find that she has flooded the bathroom floor splashing water everywhere, then once everyone is seated down to dinner although our table is long and has six seats Camryn somewhow finds a way to kick her sisters under the table or steal their food when they aren't looking, which is never a good thing. I pray for the clock to strike 7:00 which means time for jammies and winding down, then 7:30 for brushing teeth and then the glorious hour of eight o'clock when peace feels it's safe enough to come back into the house. It's pretty crazy.

But when it's just Mason and Natalie, things are sooooo much different for me, for us. I was not half as stressed when I picked them up in the car circle because I had not been trying to keep Camryn out of the glove box for the past ten minutes. We talked about their day on the way home and I didn't have to be concerned Camryn was going to close the car door on their hands when we got out, as she can't stand for doors to be open and slams them shut with no regard there might be a peron behind or in them. I made them a snack, they sat at the table and noone kicked them or grabbed their grapes. They played together before homework and I sat and watched them, I sat!! That is unheard of at 3:30 on a school day! Then time for homework, Mason satat the table and Natalie and I went into the sunroom. It was quiet, we could think, it was a beautiful thing. If Mason needed me I helped her as well, it was such a nice change.
A good friend of the family was returning home from a trip that evening and my Mom was picking her up at the airport and then having us all over for pizza. The girls wanted to go to the airport as well and so we did. We all went to the airport in my Mom's Sonata!!!! Sounds indcredibly ordinary doesn't it? I know, it was, but for us it was so extraordinary because we don't all go anywhere together in a vehicle with less than three rows! Anything smaller would leave way too little space between two of my girls and their sisters armspan. And going to my Moms for pizza on a schoolnight? Ha!! With her two little dogs the perfect size to be snapped in half by Cam before the first slice was served? Not likely, too much work! But we did and we had such a great time. The girls colored, I drank wine...drank wine!!! Sat at the table for thirty consecutive minutes and drank wine! It was frickin' incredible!

The next day was Friday and I told the girls we were going to do all the things we wouldn't normally do while we had the chance. After I picked them up from school my Dad called to see if we wanted to have gelato with him downtown. Why of course we did! We picked him up and when we entered the gelato place and saw there was a line of kids before us, instead of panicking and grabbing both of Camryns hands in mine, I stood there both arms limp at my sides,lost in the flavors to choose from until it was our turn. Amazing! We ate outside and as usual there were several people walking their dogs past us on the sidewalk. Never did I jolt from my seat to protect an innocent pooch from Cam's "eternal sleep squeeze". Nope, I just sat there, leaned back in my seat, legs lazily crossed, licking the Meditteranean Sea Salt Caramel gelato from the spoon and thinking to myself "This is the good life."
After the gelato we took the girls across the street to the waterfront park so they could run and swing on the Banyan trees. The group of kids that had been in the gelato place had also crossed over to the park but hey, no worries, in fact I actually told my kids to go play with them. Play with them! I would NEVER tell Camryn to go play with a group of young children unless I held a deep hatred for them and wanted to see them injured,which of course I would never do. I stood there talking with my Dad while the girls ran and played and never once did I worry they were pulling someones ear off or etching their initials in someones skin. It was so, so nice.

That night I invited one of my best friends and her kids over for pizza and play. We haven't seen them for several months and haven't had them over for even longer. Playdates and Camryn don't jive. She loves to see our friends but she just cannot control herself around them and always, always ends up hurting them and I'm sorry, but that's just not fun. And when she is there, my girlfriend and I can forget visiting because I am constantly up following Camryn making sure she is not doing something she shouldn't be which of course she almost always is. But not this time. Friday our friends came over at six, we had pizza, they played, my friend and I sat on the couch and talked, the kids watched a movie in the other room...in the other room!!!! That never happens!! It was a great, great time and I was so happy for Mason that she finally got to have her friends over with no worries of Camryn attacking.

Saturday my Mom and I took the girls to the beach. It started out a very rainy, stormy day but the radar showed it would eventually clear up so we got subs and drinks and drove out to Fort DeSoto. Well, two hours after we got there we were able to actually get on the beach. The storms were a bit more plentiful then we originally thought, but no big deal. We had our food so we parked by the water, got out our subs and had a car picnic. The girls loved it and except for Natalie asking "Are we going to the beach now?" every thirty seconds the girls did great. If Miss Cams had been there forget it. Cam's doesn't sit in a non-moving vehicle for more than um, let's say fifteen seconds at best. It would have never happened if she had joined us, in fact we never would have tried it and turns out I'm so glad we did because when the rain finally did stop it was a beautiful afternoon!
Saturday night I got an impromtu invite to the movies to see "The Help". With Brad out of town this was a perfect time to see it with my Mom and another friend, as I didn't think Brad would be real keen on seeing it. I called my Dad to see if I could drop the girls off at his house while I went to the movie and he said yes. My Dad has always been real good about having Mason and Natalie come over. But with Cam it's different. He has a smaller dog and of course Camryn tries to "kill it with kindness",so that's kind of a negative. Also, I don't think he knows what to do with her so he doesn't have her over and while I wish he would, he doesn't and that's just the way it is.We got home from the beach, the girls changed while I showered and I took them to my Dads. It was such a treat for them and me and I was so glad I got to go. It wasn't lost on me at all that had Cam's been home, going to the movie last minute would have never happened because my Dad was the only one available to watch the girls. I was thankful for the time.

Sunday morning my girls like to go to the Flea Market. They bring their small allowance and bargain for trinkets and treasures. They usually go with my Mom, who  never misses a Sunday, but this time I took them knowing we could walk the aisles and pass by small children and pets with no concern. We meandered up and down the paths looking over the merchants ware's. Mason picked up two owls and Natalie got two elephants and a necklace. It was so nice to have that time with them and as I looked around at other families I wondered did they do this every Sunday or was this a special occasion for them too.

Everything we did this weekend seemed so special. I had such fun with them and I felt like such a good Mom. I didn't yell, I had more patience, I was able to listen and laugh and just be their mom and it felt amazing. Camryn and Brad got home Sunday around noon. We pulled in about five minutes later. When I walked in the door Cam grabbed me around the neck and pulled me right up to her mouth to "smooch" me. I gave her a big hug and kiss and told her how much I had missed her and I had, but secretly I didn't miss her as much I think I should have. And I feel like such dirt for writing that. But I vowed to tell the truth, ugly as it is, when keeping this blog and that is how I truly felt at the time. While of course I missed my baby, my daughter, I so enjoyed the way things were while she was gone. While her sisters and I did nothing of great excitement, everything we did felt so good because we were doing it as we rarely do, out from under the shadow and darkness of Autism. The rest of Sunday was hard. Even though Camryn has an amazingly fun time at "Nanny's" the change is hard for her and getting back into routine is painful. She was extremely whiny and agitated. She was more aggressive than she's been for quite some time. She was screaming and keeping her out of the refrigerator was damn near impossible as she perseverates on food,always looking for it even though she usually ends up giving it to the dog. We put her in the bath to calm her and when I passed by on my way to the garage I noticed she had gotten to the handsoap, emptied it into the bath, thrown out all the toys onto the floor, ripped the plastic cup I use to wash their hair into pieces and splashed about an inch of water onto the tile. My eyes filled up with tears. Brad cleaned it up, got her dressed and took her for a ride while Mason worked on her school project, Nat took a bath and I sorted socks. For forty-five minutes life was "normal" or "not normal" again and I said out loud as I often do "They just don't know. They have no idea" referring of course to parents of normal children. The kids were in bed at eight and I breathed again at 8:01. Having that weekend with the girls was nice, but I wondered if it only depressed me more to see what I was missing.

Today on my walk I started thinking about it. Thinking about how much I enjoyed being a regular lunch making, laundry folding, homework helping, grocrey shopping, beachgoing, pizza eating mom. The things we filled our weeked with to some may seem  mundane, so ordinary because to them they are always an option. I wondered, would I enjoy my time with my girls like that if I didn't know the other side? Has being Camryn's mom made me more appreciative of the "little" things and moments than mothers of typical kids or do they feel that way all the time. Do other mom's wake up on Friday and look forward to spending the weekend with their kids? Do they get such a kick out of sitting still and drinking wine while over at their moms house for dinner? Would I be a better mom if I only had Mason and Natalie, more patient, less stressed and more fun? Or would I be less attentive, bored with the monotony and think going to the beach in the rain is ridiculous? I don't know and I never will and that's because my reality is my perception and my perception as a Mom of an autistic child is very different than that of my peers.

Because I know my life is what it is and I have to make the best of it and for the sake of my sanity, I have to believe that I would not treasure my "normal mom time" if I did not know of times so different. And I have to believe that my kids would not be so thankful to have it had they not spent far more time in a less rosey environment. And I also have to believe, like I always have, that I was chosen to be Camryn's Mom for a reason. A reason that has yet to reveal itself but I know it someday will. Even on the darkest days, the most tearful nights I keep believing it's making me stronger, making us stronger and that I have to go on because one day it's going to get easier, better. Kind of like going to the beach in the rain.