I haven't blogged in several days and while there has been much to talk about, there has been much more to do, but I couldn't wait anymore so with Natalie just picked up by my Dad for swimming lessons and Mason amused in her room with a movie, my only distraction is Camryn in her room,screaming "I need help!"from behind her baby gate. And although her screams are enough to make my ears bleed at times, it's only one kid making noise, which in this house is considered peaceful.
So this past weekend Brad and I took an impromptu mini vacation with Mason and Natalie to Orlando. Camryn didn't come and before you label us as horrible, uncaring parents, let me tell you why.
It started last Wednesday when Brad said he was going to take Monday off and thought we could all go back to Busch Gardens again. For those of you who read my post about our last Busch Gardens trip, you probably will find no shock in my repsonse of "I'd rather poke my eyes out with sharp,pointy sticks!" Although the trip was classifed as a success as far as visiting a theme park with an Autistic seven year old, in the context of "I have a three day weekend, let's take Camryn to a theme park", it was a textbook crazy idea. And I so love my husband, because even in my total offense, he pointed out that yes, the last Busch Gardens excursion was rough, but we are a family, a family with an Autistic child and we need to do things together,even if at times it totally sucks. And I completely agree, which is why I went to Busch Gardens the last time. Did it, almost died, done for a very long time! I pointed out that while I admire him for wanting to include Camryn in all of our outings, that we also have two other kids who just might like to know how it feels to go on a trip without being scratched and bitten, and experience time with us where we can focus on just them and do what they want instead of what works best for Camryn. And oh yeah, without the horrified stares of several hundred people, you know, the way "normal"families do it.
Camryn had a fabulous summer, with horseback riding every Monday, swimming twice a week, sailing, bowling, bounce-housing, etc. so she certainly didn't miss out. And she was the only one of our girls who didn't get to spend alone time with "Nanny"(Brad's mom) over the summer because she had to go to camp. Camryn absolutely adores Nanny and "Papa Dave", so I knew she would be thrilled to spend a few days with them and they would be just as thrilled to have her. So, it was set, what started out as a day trip from hell to Busch Gardens turned into a 3 day, 2 night stay in Orlando with Brad, Mason, Natalie and of course me.
As soon as we decided, I was like a kid going to Disney for the first time. Being a Florida native with Disney in my own backyard, I've been there more times than I can count. I've even been there with Mason twice. I've also done Downtown Disney numerous times, and two of those were with Camryn, but the last time I took Mason she was much younger and Natalie was a baby. Plus, the last two times were the ones where I brought Camryn as well, so while it was fun, it was challenging to say the least and it left me feeling drained and completely sorry for myself. But now that Mason was nine and Natalie four, they were the perfect ages to go on a trip and a trip to Orlando, you can't get more magical than that! We have never gone on a family vacation just us. We've taken trips where my mom and other people came along, but never just us and the kids because it's always been too hard with Cams. Not that we couldn't do it, as I know people do, but more that I didn't want to, as horrible as that may sound. We did take her with us to North Carolina once, but we couldn't hike or go into stores and the restaurants we did go in definitely knew we were there. Our condo was on the third floor with a balcony, so you can imagine all the barricades we had to make out of furniture and suitcases so Camryn coudn't get to it. The room she and Mason shared had a freestanding dresser which called for Brad and I to get very creative in how were going to secure it and it also had a lamp attached to the wall, you notice I said "had". There was a heated pool at the complex so we drove thirty minutes to town to get Camryn a bathing suit with an innertube built in. She was in the pool no less than a minute before she bit the tube, the suit deflated and we were out of the water for the night. Never mind the fact that up until the last two months, she didn't sleep anywhere but her own bed, or sleep willfully I should say, so we brought the babygate with us to the condo,which caused major problems for Mason in the night when she had to use the bathroom. Can you say "Good Times!"
So, this my friends is why I was so excited to go on a vacation with my kids where I didn't have to worry about the neighbors in adjoining rooms waking up to screaming fits or worrying one of my brood would jump off the balcony.Not to mention, the freedom to roam amongst other families with young children and their tender skin, without the worry my child would draw blood or leave a bald spot. The freedom that you just don't think about if you don't have a child like Camryn. And what's funny is that, while one of the main reasons I write this blog is to educate those who have no idea what it is like, there were times on this trip that I found myself "lost" in the normality of it all,completely taking for granted that I was standing in an aviary at Gatorland surrounded by hundreds of lorakeets, my kids as well as myself covered in birds, with no thought that there may be a woman who couldn't bring her kid in because they would squeeze a bird to death in excitement. I sat with ease in the stands as we watched Shamu jump from the water, without the slightest worry the family behind me might have to leave early because their child couldn't sit through the show. And at Downtown Disney I walked, both hands swinging freely at my side, not even stopping to wonder if that woman in front of me with a death grip on her screaming son is doing so because he's a brat throwing a fit or if he's a child with Autism about to scratch a passerby. I had these moments, but I caught myself every time, as you can drive away from Autism but it is always on your mind. But I also had moments of "Oh my God, this is what it's like! This is what it's like to be a normal family!" Sure Mason and Natalie fought like cats and dogs, but that's normal.Natlie threw more than a few fits when she couldn't buy everything in the gift shop. But again, that's normal. And when Mason shouted out "This is the worst vacation ever!" when I scolded her for back talk, well that was just plain bratty, but also completely normal. It was something I had never experienced and while taking a trip with your kids is hardly a vacation, that is exactly what this was, a vacation from Autism. All the things that others may take for granted, I thanked God for under my breath. Waiting in line with little Natalie for the carousel. Taking a peaceful train ride through old Florida at Gatorland. Sitting on the sidelines while my girls splashed in the sprayground. All the things we would not have been able to do if Camryn was with us. All the things I wish I could do more of with my kids, all of them. But who's to say that I would have had such a great time, that I would have appreciated it so much if I didn't know what it's like on the other side. In fact I know I wouldn't have gotten so much joy out of having that time with Mason and Natalie and all their fighting and backtalk and gift shop fits if I didn't know the longing for it.
And when it was all over, and I pulled in my mother-in-laws drive and saw Camryns smiling face in the window I was so happy to see her. I walked in and she said " Give Momma a hug. Wanna see Ry-ry." She was sticky with pickle juice and smelled like Nicky, Nanny's dog that Camryn has her face shoved up on most of the day. As I bent down to give her a hug, Natalie walked past and Camryn pinched her. Natalie started screaming, Mason pushed Camryn , I scolded both of them. It was loud, it was chaotic, it was completely crazy. Basically it was our "normal" and it was going to make our next vacation so much sweeter!
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