Both Ends of the Candle

Every day I get on this computer and write about raising an Autistic child. The in's and out, trials and triumphs. I do it to vent, I do it to educate and I do it because I love to write. But I am not only a mother to an Autistic child, but to two other neuro-typical children as well, or without being politically correct, normal kids and co-exisiting in these two worlds can sometimes be a real challenge
Anytime there is more than one child in a household there are bound to be times when one feels neglected or jealous,it's normal. But when children grow up with a sibling of special needs, the scales are almost always tipped unintentionally in favor of the child who needs more help.
Mason was an only child for almost two years. The first and only grandchild on my side of the family, she was perched high above the rest of the world on a golden pedastal. She was beautiful, intelligent, and totally gifted, I mean come on, aren't all firstborns? To ask my parents there had never been a smarter, sweeter more adorable baby born, ever! And of course she had Brad and I wrapped so tight around that pinky I'm surprised it didn't cut off circulation. For two years, the world revolved around her.But of course she remembers none of it.Why is it that when we are the cutest and most adored in our lives we are unable to have any recollection of it?
When Cams was born, of course the attention shifted to the new baby, but Mason rolled right along with it, never showing any resentment or jealousy toward her sister.
As time went on and it became evident that Camryn had some issues, more and more of my time was taken up with doctors visits and therapy appointments. Mason never suffered believe me, my family was more than happy to watch her, but a pattern started that continues to this day and it makes me feel so guilty.
Because of Camryns Autism, many of the activities that toddlers enjoy were not on Cam's to-do list. She didn't sit through movies, didn't play nicely with others and for a long while, going out to eat with her just didn't happen. However Mason was a typical little girl who begged to see every animated film advertised and loved to run free at the playground. Because of Brads work schedule, I was often alone with the two kids all day. I had Mason attending Pre-K twice a week when she was 2 and then five days at 3 and up, but still she got bored at home with a sister who didn't interact with her as she wanted. My family and Anna, who lived very close by at the time, was so good about helping with Mason. They would take her to the movies, to the circus, out to eat, to festivals and I would stay home with Camryn. I was so happy that she was able to experience those things and spend time with the people who loved her so much, but I was also very jealous of them for getting to share those times with my daughter when it should be me. Mason will be ten years old this February and I have been to the movies with her maybe five times, five times! She has seen every movie that has come to the big screen for kids, but that was courtesy of my brother. He is very good about spending time with the kids and going to the movies is their thing. He even takes Nat along too, which again, I so appreciate, but still feel sad that I am not there. Chuck E.Cheese, every kid goes there right? It's like the law or something, if you're a kid you have to go to Chuck E. Cheese at least once. Mason and Nat have been there a bazillion times. I have been with them once. Camryn doesn't do Chuck E Cheese. Before we moved  back to St. Pete, my mom would take Mace to the Santa Clause parade downtown every year. I have been twice. Another thing Cams doesn't do is parades. I am not trying to sound like a whiner though I probably am, just a kind of "venting" session to say that I feel guilty about not being there with my other two girls for experiences that I feel a mom should share in. I am so thankful and know how blessed I am to have such an involved family and that is something I have always acknowledged. But Mason has told me on more than one occasion she wished I could come to these things.
I plan special days with her. We go out shopping for something she likes or get a bite to eat. The times are few and far between but I always try and let her know how much they mean to me and how much I enjoy her company. She has grown into such a responsible, young lady and a very cool kid. Having Cams for her sister has presented so many challenges in her life, but has also given her a perspective of the world I just don't think she would have had she not been forced to look through the eyes of a sister of the spectrum. She is extremely caring, generous and very emapthetic to her peers. She is non-judgemental and openminded and has an amazing sense of humor. She has become Camryn's protector at school, looking out for her and keeping her amused and out of trouble at car circle. It's a huge responsibility and I have told her more than once that she does not have to watch Cams at school, there are teachers for that. But she wants to do it. "No Mom, I can handle it" she said. And she can, I watch her from the car line and she is keeping a close eye on her sister, doing whatever she needs to do to keep her occupied and happy. There have been several incidences already where Cams has "assaulted" a child sitting near her and Mason takes the appropriate action, whether it be scolding Cams or taking something away from her. The principal has told me on more than one occasion that Mason is an amazing girl and a wonderful big sister. It makes me so incredibly proud of her.
I know that having Cam for a sister cannot be easy. The screaming is sometimes so loud you'd swear your ears were bleeding. The constant scratching and hairpulling. Cleaning your room only to have hurricane Cams come through. Having to decline invitations to certain events or leaving early because it's not working for Camryn. It's rough and my heart breaks for Mace and Nat every time I see them fall on the sword for their sister.But I know in my heart that two incredible women are being molded and shaped by the very sister who often brings them to tears. I cannot wait to see what strong, good hearted people they will grow into and how they will change the world.