Last Wednesday my youngest daughter turned five. What does this have to do with a blog about raising autism? Everything, as Natalie may never have even been born had it not been for Camryn being autistic.
When Camryn was three and the label of autism was stuck firmly in place, it was painfully obvious that her future would not be like Mason's and their relationship would be nowhere near what I had imagined. The idea of growing older and not being able to care for Camryn as an adult scared the s**t out of me and the thought of Mason having to take on the responsibility of her sister when we were gone scared me even more. Although she loves Camryn with all her heart, I know she has dreams and plans of her own and the last thing I want is for her to have to put her life on hold to take care of her sister. And long before she was grown I knew there would be struggles and emotions that none of her friends would understand unless they too lived in a house that autism built.
The decision to have another baby was not made overnight, no pun intended. Brad and I thought about it for quite a while, stressing over the fact that already having a child with autism raised our chances of having another on the spectrum, not a dramatic amount but enough to be concerned about. We also knew that it would be a tremendous amount of work adding an infant to the mix, as Camryn was like a baby herself at that time as well as very aggressive and having a newborn in the house was going to be risky. On the other hand we felt for Mason being the only other kid in the house and dealing on a daily basis with the ugliness and stress of autism. For her to have another sibling to play with, talk to, create memories with and to understand what she goes through would make such a difference in her life and so with that idea we decided to put our money down and place our bet. Nine months later we won big with the birth of Natalie Eva Walker.
Mason was five when Nat was born and Camryn was three. And even at three, Camryn was still very much a baby. With her not really talking that much, still in diapers and sleeping in a crib, she was like an infant herself and I worried how this was going to work out. I will never forget when my mom brought Mace and Cam to the hospital to visit their newborn sister. I was holding Nat, so tiny and petite swaddled nice and warm in the crook of my arm and Brad in the chair next to me, when the hospital room door flung open and in clamored Camryn. She looked as if she had eaten one of Alice's mushrooms and grown a few feet taller overnight. For the past three years she had been my little baby. Though chronlogically a preshooler, she had seemed so tiny and needy and felt so small in my arms. But now with a little less than seven pounds of newborn in my arms Camryn looked like Godzilla trapsing through the room, knocking over the table tray and tangling my I.V. Perception is such a funny thing. And although it was obvious to me that Cam was no longer a baby, to her she was still my baby and this little wrapped up thing I was holding would need to move so she could jump into my lap. It was chaotic and stressful, making sure she didn't hurt the baby and trying to get a family photo without Natalie getting injured. I was of course emotional with all my hormones going haywire and it wasn't long before my mom took the older two girls and left. Although I was so happy to have Nat, I did have what I guess you could call "buyer's remorse". Did we do the right thing? Is this really what our family needed? I just wasn't sure.
The first couple of months were hard, as with any newborn. But when you have a newborn AND Cam-a-rama things can be downright dangerous. I had to be on watch every nano-second that Camryn was never alone with the baby. Even trying to be nice and kiss her could very easily seriously hurt Natalie, as Camryn knows nothing about "soft touches". There was alot of crying, from Natalie, Camryn...me. But seeing Mason interact with Nat was so cool and also seeing that Camryn was kind of forced to become more independent the best she could and that she was actually capable of it. I might still be babying her to this day had I not had another actual baby to tend to.
So here we are five years later and I know without a doubt we made the right decision. I'm not going to lie, it has been difficult with Camryn being the middle child. Natalie has been hurt more times than I can count by her big sister, but now that she is bigger she is able to start defending herself, which helps. Mason and Nat are super close, despite the five year age difference and I am so happy for Mason that she has a playmate at home. Seeing Natalie grow and develop has been bittersweet. Of course I held my breath for months, anxious to see her meet each milestone and constantly checking that she made eye contact. She is exactly where she should be for her age and I am so thrilled, yet it has been sombering to see her pass her older sister developmentally,doing things with ease Camryn has yet to master.
She actually helps with Camryn now, talking to her like she is the older sister and "reading" to her, trying to help her calm down when she is in a tantrum. She has been a God send literally and I cannot imagine what life would be like without her.
And so when she and Mason are grown and their friends are reminiscing with their own siblings about the time they snuck out or stole a lollipop, Mace and Nat can turn to each other and say " Remember all the babygates in the house, the lock on the refrigerator and how we couldn't keep liquid soap out?" And they will both know exactly what the other is talking about! And that was the plan all along!
Happy Birthday Nat!! We love you :)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Just Another Day At The Farm
The last time I was brought to tears while out shopping with Camryn was 2005. An elderly un"gentleman" in Publix let me know how annoying my daughter's screams were, special needs or not. I was still a lightweight at the time and broke down crying as the cashier proceeded to scan my items. Dry spell ended today, but ya gotta have rain sometime right? Any good farmer will tell you that!
It started clouding up about four o'clock this afternoon during an impromptu, should have known wayyyy better, trip to Target. Camryn had been at camp all day and Mason and I spent the day shopping for school clothes and presents for Natalie's birthday next week. Nat is spending a few days with my mother-in-law so it's just the two girls. Brad called to say he'd be late and since I had already achieved super cool mom status for all the cute clothes I bought Mason, I thought why not go for Mom of the month and suggest pizza for dinner? Target has a great fresh pizza so I told Mace after we picked up Cam we would stop off and get one on the way home. Sounds innocent enough right?
We got Cam and she was......Cam. I have gotten smart(er) over the years and had a bag of M&M's and a bottle of water waiting for her in the car. She can be pretty hard to deal with after camp if there is no snack waiting. She ate all but one M&M, a blue one,which she decided to suck on until the shell became soft and then took it out of her mouth, smashed it up in her hand and then proceeded to rub the melted chocolate all over my right arm laying helplessly there on the console. Yep, love those car rides. When we pulled in the parking lot I told Mace we would only be in there for minute as we had been out all day and I wanted to get home. I put Cam in the cart and bravely entered through the automatic doors. I needed laundry detergent and that happens to be located dangerously close to the dog bone aisle and well, you all know what that means. Cam started to stand up in the cart screaming "I wanna give Ry-Ry a treat!!" and I thought "Oh hell, this is going down hill much faster than expected. I handed her a bag of bones and hurried off to the grocery section. Well the pizzas are right next to the Lunchables and it has been my practice for quite some time now to always buy the kids a Lunchable while shopping in Target to keep them quiet. So naturally Camryn saw them and began to shout out "Do you want a lunchable sweetie!!!!!" I grabbed her one, tore off the wrapper and knew I had to move fast. Mace picked out a pizza, I threw some water in the cart and was almost out of the store when I had the brilliant idea of "just checking out" the clearance toy section to see if there was anything Natalie may like. Am I ever going to learn???? Doesn't seem likely. We start winding up and down the aisles and Camryn started to stand in the cart again. She really is way too big to be in the cart but I like her confined when we shop. I tell her to sit but I may as well have been talking to the cart because she is still towering above me lunging for things on the shelves. I got her on her bottom again by handing her a singing Cookie Monster toy. Knowing we needed to leave immediately I wheeled us up to the register and of course the lines were all at least three deep. And there must have been a contest to see who could buy the most "little" things. I swear the lady in front of us had to have had about thirty small items and the lady next to her maybe forty. Camryn was getting very restless and I was trying to prevent a meltdown. But that would be like trying to put a cork in Mt. St. Helens. Camryn was pushing Cookie Monsters hand over and over and over making it sing "Old Macdonald" repeatedly. Mason asked if I was buying it and I said I didn't care how much money it was there was no way that thing was entering our home. Well Cams had a different idea, a very different idea. She wanted that Cookie Monster and not only did she want it, she wanted it right then,as in scanned by the cashier at that very moment which was impossible because the cashier was only on item number fifteen out of thirty belonging to the lady in front of us. But Cams was like "whateva!!" She stood up in the cart again and started fussing " Do you want the lady to pay for it honey?" It was getting sooo ugly. I lifted her out of the cart and she clamored past the lady in front of us and shoved Cookie Monster in the cashiers face. And may I might add, our cashier had a severe personality deficit. I grabbed Camryn by the arm and said the six little words that piss her off more than anything..."You have to wait your turn." Well, Camryn Faith Walker does not wait her turn. Or wait her turn quietly I should say. She started crying and shouting out "Pay for it honey!!! Do you want to pay for it sweetie!!!" The stares started and I held my head high as I have learned to do. But my God, it seemed like the items the woman bought in front of us had multiplied on the conveyor belt. I knew it was going to be a few minutes before it was our turn. Cookie Monster kept singing "Old McDonald" and Camryn kept shouting out that she wanted to pay for it and I pulled every trick I could think of out of my sleeves. I may as well have been wearing a tank top as nothing was working. I felt like the crowd was growing and Camryn's screams seemed to get louder. I would have tried to console her and talk her down but you see, that my friends is like the old pouring gasoline on a fire thing. It only makes it worse, so I just stood there praying our turn would come soon. And it did, but that didn't quiet Camryn. She shoved the Cookie Monster in the cashiers face again shouting "Pay for it honey!!" "I wanna hold him!" Well, remember how I had said I wasn't buying it? Oh I was buying it and you would think that would have solved the problem but Camryn wanted to hold it and apparently it's value is somewhere right up there with the Hope diamond because the damn thing was held into the box with about a million plastic twisty ties wrapped around about twenty times each! And I was still trying to load my items from the cart. By this time I had given up trying to calm Camryn and thought "F*** it!" I just stood there as my daughter thrashed and screamed and cried and shouted and the whole store stared. I paid for my things, grabbed Camryn by the arm and looked everybody in the eye as we walked past. And I probably should have just left it like that, but that would have been way too dignified. Instead, I stopped the cart, announced that "She's autistic for all of you who are staring!" pulled my shades down and cried all the way to the car. Mason didn't know. Cam's didn't know.And Cookie Monster didn't give a rat's a**. He was still singing about Old McDonald. I got everything loaded in the car, composed myself and drove home.
As soon as we opened the door Camryn took Cookie Monster into her bedroom, tossed him in a bucket, told him good night and left the room. What the ????? Uuuugghhhh I wanted to scream!! I texted Brad that I was certain I would be on the news at some point in the near future.
So Cookie Monster is still in the bucket and Old McDonald is nowhere to be found. But let me tell you something. Old McDonald may have had a farm and on that farm he may have had a pig and a cow with an oink oink here and a moo moo there but let me tell you what Old McDonald didn't have. He did not have an autistic child because if he did the song we all know and love would instead go as follows :
"Old McDonald had a funny farm, Crazy,Loony man. With a scream scream here and a poopy pullup there, here a pinch, there a bite, waking up all hours of the night, Old McDonald had a funny farm, Crazy,Loony man.
Sing that Cookie!!!
It started clouding up about four o'clock this afternoon during an impromptu, should have known wayyyy better, trip to Target. Camryn had been at camp all day and Mason and I spent the day shopping for school clothes and presents for Natalie's birthday next week. Nat is spending a few days with my mother-in-law so it's just the two girls. Brad called to say he'd be late and since I had already achieved super cool mom status for all the cute clothes I bought Mason, I thought why not go for Mom of the month and suggest pizza for dinner? Target has a great fresh pizza so I told Mace after we picked up Cam we would stop off and get one on the way home. Sounds innocent enough right?
We got Cam and she was......Cam. I have gotten smart(er) over the years and had a bag of M&M's and a bottle of water waiting for her in the car. She can be pretty hard to deal with after camp if there is no snack waiting. She ate all but one M&M, a blue one,which she decided to suck on until the shell became soft and then took it out of her mouth, smashed it up in her hand and then proceeded to rub the melted chocolate all over my right arm laying helplessly there on the console. Yep, love those car rides. When we pulled in the parking lot I told Mace we would only be in there for minute as we had been out all day and I wanted to get home. I put Cam in the cart and bravely entered through the automatic doors. I needed laundry detergent and that happens to be located dangerously close to the dog bone aisle and well, you all know what that means. Cam started to stand up in the cart screaming "I wanna give Ry-Ry a treat!!" and I thought "Oh hell, this is going down hill much faster than expected. I handed her a bag of bones and hurried off to the grocery section. Well the pizzas are right next to the Lunchables and it has been my practice for quite some time now to always buy the kids a Lunchable while shopping in Target to keep them quiet. So naturally Camryn saw them and began to shout out "Do you want a lunchable sweetie!!!!!" I grabbed her one, tore off the wrapper and knew I had to move fast. Mace picked out a pizza, I threw some water in the cart and was almost out of the store when I had the brilliant idea of "just checking out" the clearance toy section to see if there was anything Natalie may like. Am I ever going to learn???? Doesn't seem likely. We start winding up and down the aisles and Camryn started to stand in the cart again. She really is way too big to be in the cart but I like her confined when we shop. I tell her to sit but I may as well have been talking to the cart because she is still towering above me lunging for things on the shelves. I got her on her bottom again by handing her a singing Cookie Monster toy. Knowing we needed to leave immediately I wheeled us up to the register and of course the lines were all at least three deep. And there must have been a contest to see who could buy the most "little" things. I swear the lady in front of us had to have had about thirty small items and the lady next to her maybe forty. Camryn was getting very restless and I was trying to prevent a meltdown. But that would be like trying to put a cork in Mt. St. Helens. Camryn was pushing Cookie Monsters hand over and over and over making it sing "Old Macdonald" repeatedly. Mason asked if I was buying it and I said I didn't care how much money it was there was no way that thing was entering our home. Well Cams had a different idea, a very different idea. She wanted that Cookie Monster and not only did she want it, she wanted it right then,as in scanned by the cashier at that very moment which was impossible because the cashier was only on item number fifteen out of thirty belonging to the lady in front of us. But Cams was like "whateva!!" She stood up in the cart again and started fussing " Do you want the lady to pay for it honey?" It was getting sooo ugly. I lifted her out of the cart and she clamored past the lady in front of us and shoved Cookie Monster in the cashiers face. And may I might add, our cashier had a severe personality deficit. I grabbed Camryn by the arm and said the six little words that piss her off more than anything..."You have to wait your turn." Well, Camryn Faith Walker does not wait her turn. Or wait her turn quietly I should say. She started crying and shouting out "Pay for it honey!!! Do you want to pay for it sweetie!!!" The stares started and I held my head high as I have learned to do. But my God, it seemed like the items the woman bought in front of us had multiplied on the conveyor belt. I knew it was going to be a few minutes before it was our turn. Cookie Monster kept singing "Old McDonald" and Camryn kept shouting out that she wanted to pay for it and I pulled every trick I could think of out of my sleeves. I may as well have been wearing a tank top as nothing was working. I felt like the crowd was growing and Camryn's screams seemed to get louder. I would have tried to console her and talk her down but you see, that my friends is like the old pouring gasoline on a fire thing. It only makes it worse, so I just stood there praying our turn would come soon. And it did, but that didn't quiet Camryn. She shoved the Cookie Monster in the cashiers face again shouting "Pay for it honey!!" "I wanna hold him!" Well, remember how I had said I wasn't buying it? Oh I was buying it and you would think that would have solved the problem but Camryn wanted to hold it and apparently it's value is somewhere right up there with the Hope diamond because the damn thing was held into the box with about a million plastic twisty ties wrapped around about twenty times each! And I was still trying to load my items from the cart. By this time I had given up trying to calm Camryn and thought "F*** it!" I just stood there as my daughter thrashed and screamed and cried and shouted and the whole store stared. I paid for my things, grabbed Camryn by the arm and looked everybody in the eye as we walked past. And I probably should have just left it like that, but that would have been way too dignified. Instead, I stopped the cart, announced that "She's autistic for all of you who are staring!" pulled my shades down and cried all the way to the car. Mason didn't know. Cam's didn't know.And Cookie Monster didn't give a rat's a**. He was still singing about Old McDonald. I got everything loaded in the car, composed myself and drove home.
As soon as we opened the door Camryn took Cookie Monster into her bedroom, tossed him in a bucket, told him good night and left the room. What the ????? Uuuugghhhh I wanted to scream!! I texted Brad that I was certain I would be on the news at some point in the near future.
So Cookie Monster is still in the bucket and Old McDonald is nowhere to be found. But let me tell you something. Old McDonald may have had a farm and on that farm he may have had a pig and a cow with an oink oink here and a moo moo there but let me tell you what Old McDonald didn't have. He did not have an autistic child because if he did the song we all know and love would instead go as follows :
"Old McDonald had a funny farm, Crazy,Loony man. With a scream scream here and a poopy pullup there, here a pinch, there a bite, waking up all hours of the night, Old McDonald had a funny farm, Crazy,Loony man.
Sing that Cookie!!!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Driving Me Crazy!!
I swear one day I am going to look in my rearview mirror and see a line of patrol cars following me, lights on, bullhorn out the window instructing me to pull over immediately and get out of the car with my hands in the air. Did I rob a bank? No, but if I can't find ABA therapy more affordable somewhere I just may buy a Nixon mask and go for it. Do I have drugs in my car? No, but with the way my rides go it sounds very tempting. No, somebody will have called to report a possible child abduction. What else could be the explanation for the young girl in the front seat next to me screaming and pounding her fists on the window trying to escape? Biting her hands and feet must have been her way of calling attention to our car so someone could call for help, right? I'm telling you, it's going to happen and you know what? I just might go with it! "Umm yeah, I did kidnap her, you are absolutely right! Are you taking me to jail now? Please??!"
I absolutely, positively, with every fiber of my being hate driving Camryn anywhere these days! Used to be taking a drive was one of the only things that would calm her down. I would pile the kids in the old suburban and ride around town for as long as we could stand because it was the only place that Camryn was quiet and peaceful. She would look out the window and bob her head back and forth to the music giving the other girls and I a much needed reprieve from her screaming and tantrums. But for the past several months transporting this child anywhere has turned into pure and utter hell!
When we purchased our very large vehicle five years ago we did it with the thought process that Camryn would not be able to reach her sisters and hurt them. HA!!! Little did we know that unless we were to purchase a bus Camryn would find a way to torture Mason and Natalie while I was behind the wheel. I sit them in the last row and put Cam in the middle row and guess what? She reaches behind her and pinches, hits, whatever she can do to hurt them. I swear I don't know how she does it! Try as I may to rid the car of missiles, they make their way in somehow and go flying through the air aimed straight for little heads and bodies. To make things easier for Mace and Nat I have moved Camryn up front, where she plays out her shenanigans on me while I'm trying to manuever our land yacht through traffic. She pinches me, opens the glovebox and empties it out, screams for gum then hands me a stringy chewed up wad of it two seconds later screaming for a new piece. She tries to unlock her door, she pushes any buttons she can reach on the dash and last Friday threw her backpack at my head as I was making my way down a very wet highway. And they say texting while driving is dangerous!! She bangs her fists on her window and screams at the top of her lungs. After she threw hew backpack at me she slumped down in her seat, pulled her feet to her mouth and pulled her socks off her feet with her teeth! Yes, with her teeth!!!! I just kept repeating out loud to myself "Breathe, just breath, just breathe". It is frickin' ridiculous that I should have to endure this every day of my life just trying to take my kid to camp!
While I'm on the road I see all the other cars passing by. This guy on his cell phone, that woman in a daze sipping her coffee. I have to laugh when I see them do a double take at my car passing by with Camryn banging her head on the back of her seat and biting her ankles. But in all seriousness it can be very depressing. And poor Mason and Natalie! They can't even ride in the car without constantly being reminded that our family is very different from most. The screaming is so loud you can almost feel your eardrum perforating one stitch at a time. Used to be Michael Buble could calm her down but my CD's got scratched and I haven't replaced them yet so I have to rely on a Disney CD and a few stories on CD, but even that is hit and miss. It is miserable, just plain miserable and I have to keep telling myself "Just twenty more minutes and then you have seven hours before you have to do this again."
I see all these cars go by with those little stick figure family decals showing how many kids they have. All the figures are smiling, some are wearing Mickey Mouse ears, and I just want to barf. No offense to anybody who has these, as some of my very good friends do, but when you are driving down the road while your kid is trying to eat the dashboard these things tend to tick you off just a tad! I picture a stick person version of our family...Mom in the fetal position, Dad pulling his hair out, two small figures in triangle dresses with their hands over their ears and the third figure with a huge circle for her mouth screaming, her hair going every which way and a stick figure dog cowering under a table. Seen that sticker anywhere? Didn't think so.
Right now I am getting ready to take Mason and Natalie to the beach and I gotta tell you, I am really looking forward to it. It will take us about twenty minutes to get there if all goes well but if the drawbridge gets stuck and we have to wait for a mother duck and her twenty ducklings to cross and there's a construction detour and a school zone and a ninety year old woman from Canada sitting on phone books in front of us it will all be okay with me because I have driven with Camryn and if that doesn't bring on some road rage nothing will!
I absolutely, positively, with every fiber of my being hate driving Camryn anywhere these days! Used to be taking a drive was one of the only things that would calm her down. I would pile the kids in the old suburban and ride around town for as long as we could stand because it was the only place that Camryn was quiet and peaceful. She would look out the window and bob her head back and forth to the music giving the other girls and I a much needed reprieve from her screaming and tantrums. But for the past several months transporting this child anywhere has turned into pure and utter hell!
When we purchased our very large vehicle five years ago we did it with the thought process that Camryn would not be able to reach her sisters and hurt them. HA!!! Little did we know that unless we were to purchase a bus Camryn would find a way to torture Mason and Natalie while I was behind the wheel. I sit them in the last row and put Cam in the middle row and guess what? She reaches behind her and pinches, hits, whatever she can do to hurt them. I swear I don't know how she does it! Try as I may to rid the car of missiles, they make their way in somehow and go flying through the air aimed straight for little heads and bodies. To make things easier for Mace and Nat I have moved Camryn up front, where she plays out her shenanigans on me while I'm trying to manuever our land yacht through traffic. She pinches me, opens the glovebox and empties it out, screams for gum then hands me a stringy chewed up wad of it two seconds later screaming for a new piece. She tries to unlock her door, she pushes any buttons she can reach on the dash and last Friday threw her backpack at my head as I was making my way down a very wet highway. And they say texting while driving is dangerous!! She bangs her fists on her window and screams at the top of her lungs. After she threw hew backpack at me she slumped down in her seat, pulled her feet to her mouth and pulled her socks off her feet with her teeth! Yes, with her teeth!!!! I just kept repeating out loud to myself "Breathe, just breath, just breathe". It is frickin' ridiculous that I should have to endure this every day of my life just trying to take my kid to camp!
While I'm on the road I see all the other cars passing by. This guy on his cell phone, that woman in a daze sipping her coffee. I have to laugh when I see them do a double take at my car passing by with Camryn banging her head on the back of her seat and biting her ankles. But in all seriousness it can be very depressing. And poor Mason and Natalie! They can't even ride in the car without constantly being reminded that our family is very different from most. The screaming is so loud you can almost feel your eardrum perforating one stitch at a time. Used to be Michael Buble could calm her down but my CD's got scratched and I haven't replaced them yet so I have to rely on a Disney CD and a few stories on CD, but even that is hit and miss. It is miserable, just plain miserable and I have to keep telling myself "Just twenty more minutes and then you have seven hours before you have to do this again."
I see all these cars go by with those little stick figure family decals showing how many kids they have. All the figures are smiling, some are wearing Mickey Mouse ears, and I just want to barf. No offense to anybody who has these, as some of my very good friends do, but when you are driving down the road while your kid is trying to eat the dashboard these things tend to tick you off just a tad! I picture a stick person version of our family...Mom in the fetal position, Dad pulling his hair out, two small figures in triangle dresses with their hands over their ears and the third figure with a huge circle for her mouth screaming, her hair going every which way and a stick figure dog cowering under a table. Seen that sticker anywhere? Didn't think so.
Right now I am getting ready to take Mason and Natalie to the beach and I gotta tell you, I am really looking forward to it. It will take us about twenty minutes to get there if all goes well but if the drawbridge gets stuck and we have to wait for a mother duck and her twenty ducklings to cross and there's a construction detour and a school zone and a ninety year old woman from Canada sitting on phone books in front of us it will all be okay with me because I have driven with Camryn and if that doesn't bring on some road rage nothing will!
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