The Gift

Last Wednesday my youngest daughter turned five. What does this have to do with a blog about raising autism? Everything, as Natalie may never have even been born had it not been for Camryn being autistic.
When Camryn was three and the label of autism was stuck firmly in place, it was painfully obvious that her future would not be like Mason's and their relationship would be nowhere near what I had imagined. The idea of growing older and not being able to care for Camryn as an adult scared the s**t out of me and the thought of Mason having to take on the responsibility of her sister when we were gone scared me even more. Although she loves Camryn with all her heart, I know she has dreams and plans of her own and the last thing I want is for her to have to put her life on hold to take care of her sister. And long before she was grown I knew there would be struggles and emotions that none of her friends would understand unless they too lived in a house that autism built.
 The decision to have another baby was not made overnight, no pun intended. Brad and I thought about it for quite a while, stressing over the fact that already having a child with autism raised our chances of having another on the spectrum, not a dramatic amount but enough to be concerned about. We also knew that it would be a tremendous amount of work adding an infant to the mix, as Camryn was like a baby herself at that time as well as very aggressive and having a newborn in the house was going to be risky. On the other hand we felt for Mason being the only other kid in the house and dealing on a daily basis with the ugliness and stress of autism. For her to have another sibling to play with, talk to, create memories with and to understand what she goes through would make such a difference in her life and so with that idea we decided to put our money down and place our bet. Nine months later we won big with the birth of Natalie Eva Walker.
Mason was five when Nat was born and Camryn was three. And even at three, Camryn was still very much a baby. With her not really talking that much, still in diapers and sleeping in a crib, she was like an infant herself and I worried how this was going to work out. I will never forget when my mom brought Mace and Cam to the hospital to visit their newborn sister. I was holding Nat, so tiny and petite swaddled nice and warm in the crook of my arm and Brad in the chair next to me, when the hospital room door flung open and in clamored Camryn. She looked as if she had eaten one of Alice's mushrooms and grown a few feet taller overnight. For the past three years she had been my little baby. Though chronlogically a preshooler, she had seemed so tiny and needy and felt so small in my arms. But now with a little less than seven pounds of newborn in my arms Camryn looked like Godzilla trapsing through the room, knocking over the table tray and tangling my I.V. Perception is such a funny thing. And although it was obvious to me that Cam was no longer a baby, to her she was still my baby and this little wrapped up thing I was holding would need to move so she could jump into my lap. It was chaotic and stressful, making sure she didn't hurt the baby and trying to get a family photo without Natalie getting injured. I was of course emotional with all my hormones going haywire and it wasn't long before my mom took the older two girls and left. Although I was so happy to have Nat, I did have what I guess you could call "buyer's remorse". Did we do the right thing? Is this really what our family needed? I just wasn't sure.
The first couple of months were hard, as with any newborn. But when you have a newborn AND Cam-a-rama things can be downright dangerous. I had to be on watch every nano-second that Camryn was never alone with the baby. Even trying to be nice and kiss her could very easily seriously hurt Natalie, as Camryn knows nothing about "soft touches". There was alot of crying, from Natalie, Camryn...me. But seeing Mason interact with Nat was so cool and also seeing that Camryn was kind of forced to become more independent the best she could and that she was actually capable of it. I might still be babying her to this day had I not had another actual baby to tend to.
So here we are five years later and I know without a doubt we made the right decision. I'm not going to lie, it has been difficult with Camryn being the middle child. Natalie has been hurt more times than I can count by her big sister, but now that she is bigger she is able to start defending herself, which helps. Mason and Nat are super close, despite the five year age difference and I am so happy for Mason that she has a playmate at home. Seeing Natalie grow and develop has been bittersweet. Of course I held my breath for months, anxious to see her meet each milestone and constantly checking that she made eye contact. She is exactly where she should be for her age and I am so thrilled, yet it has been sombering to see her pass her older sister developmentally,doing things with ease Camryn has yet to master.
She actually helps with Camryn now, talking to her like she is the older sister and "reading" to her, trying to help her calm down when she is in a tantrum. She has been a God send literally and I cannot imagine what life would be like without her.
And so when she and Mason are grown and their friends are reminiscing with their own siblings about the time they snuck out or stole a lollipop, Mace and Nat can turn to each other and say " Remember all the babygates in the house, the lock on the refrigerator and how we couldn't keep liquid soap out?" And they will both know exactly what the other is talking about! And that was the plan all along!
Happy Birthday Nat!! We love you :)