I haven't posted in quite some time. Lots and lots going on in life and the inspiration to write got buried under the to do list. But the other day I heard a comment that lit a fire under me and smoked that inspiration right out of my ears. While talking with a friend of mine, I learned that one of our mutual friends husbands made a comment to his wife that, as a stay at home mom, she "has never worked a day in her life". I was so infuriated when I heard this I thought my head may explode, because as a stay at home mom myself, I know first hand how much work raising a child can be, let alone multiple children at one time.Our job requirements may be different from the traditional employee, but we are definitely part of the working world and our boss(es) can be a real #@*!
Do we stay-at-homer's have to get up and put on a suit to start the day? No, but I can tell you it sure would be nice to put on a skirt and heels for once instead of a t-shirt and yoga pants, knowing there's no use in wearing anything different as it is difficult to do laundry in heels. Do we have to be at the office at a certain time? No, and that is because we never leave the office, a,k.a. , the home. Oh sure, our clients may be gone for part of the day at school, but that doesn't mean that we aren't busy. In fact, even when we are completely alone in the silence of the house, we are still on duty, planning the evenings meal, staggering up a mountain of laundry and sweeping up messes that will reappear in a couple hours, only to be swept up again. We are ALWAYS on call, as NOBODY can replace a mother. There are no subs, or temp's. that can do what we do. When the kids are sick at school, who gets the call?? When the kids are scared in the middlde of the night, who gets the call?? When there is an important project due, who "stays late" to make sure it's finished? We do, that's who!
I have been a stay at home mom for a little over eleven years now. I was twenty five when I gave birth to my first daughter and kissed my own life goodbye. Because you see once you become a mother, you are no longer your first priority. Your hair goes months without a snip from salon scissors. Your amazing wardrobe hangs lifeless in the closet, practically molded to the shape of the hanger it clings to. Your hobbies, your passions, your talents....they all get thrown into a pot and placed on the back burner, simmering for years, morphing into steam and escaping into the atmosphere. Your social life consists of playdates, where holding a conversation with your friend that goes beyond thirty seconds is unheard of, with all of your sentences interrupted with " Hang on...quit hitting your sister, go play with your friends, take turns!!!"
People who don't have kids or parents who let their spouse take on most of the load often think "What's so hard about taking care of kids? You feed 'em, you wash 'em and you spank 'em when they're bad". And to those people I say "You're so clueless!!" Being a parent is not only grueling in that the physical demands are tremendous, but the emotional aspect of it can completely drain even the most stoic of souls. Raising a child is not just about making sure they eat their brussel sprouts and brush their teeth, it is about doing everything you can by the eighteen year deadline to make sure you have produced a kind, generous, smart, honest, responsible, happy, empathetic individual who has the tools they need to live a successful life and be a productive member of society. And let me tell you, it ain't easy!! With every adult who has issues in their life pointing the finger at their childhood, it is with no grain of salt that we do our job. Every other day there is a study in the news that shows how by doing things we thought we should be doing we may in fact be damaging our kids psyche and so we do something different only to see the following week that this new approach damages their psyche even more than the previous one. If you put any heart at all into raising your kids, the stress of "Am I doing the right thing?" can just about make you bald! There is a very fine line between raising a confident child and an entitled adult. You have to know the difference between a performance worthy of a standing ovation and a performance more deserving of kudos for trying. Then there is the issue of discipline and what approach will be the least likely to land your kids in a psych ward. I have a joke that we save for therapy instead of college. While spanking your kid can now land you in jail and rubbing bars of lye on your kids tongue is largely frowned upon, a parents bag of tricks is not the satchel it once was. It is now more like a clutch, stuffed with a few politically correct, socially acceptable choices. I'm sorry, but asking my child to "please stop hitting mommy" doesn't really sit right with me. And when I choose to go the old fashioned way and smack them on their bottom as I sit them in the corner and they bawl their eyes out I wonder, "Are they losing grey matter due to this trauma?? Will they be on welfare because I made them feel inferior?"
As stay at home moms, there is no glamour, no sexy. My husband often comes home to find me in jogging shorts and a loose fitting tee, my hair piled on top of my head secured by one of the kids hair ties. I'm sweaty and my clothes are crusted with boogers and tears and whatever I made for dinner. It's a somber reality knowing the woman he married was fresh and sweet scented with flowing hair and skinny jeans. And knowing that out in the business world there are women who still wear makeup on a Tuesday at noon and have a job that requires them to laugh at clients corny jokes makes insecurity rear it's terribly ugly head.
I often will drive to get gas at 9:00 at night, just so I can listen to the radio without having to answer why there are homeless people and how chickens eggs are fertilized. Pathetic, yet so very true. There is no commute to work, which I realize is not as glamorous as it may sound, but driving in the car to a destination that has nothing to do with housework and kids sounds really good some days. And being able to shut off the "Are the kids ok? Are the kids ok?" part of my brain and focus on something else would be really nice.
Dinner time, or should I say meal time, is always an event. You cannot have a fragile sense of self and expect to get through serving a meal unscathed, because the kids will rip you apart. "Ewwww, what is this?? This smells like barf. Why do we have to eat this?" I can't tell you how many times I have prepared a dinner that I actually had to use measuring cups for only to have my kids talk about how gross it was and how they wanted macaroni and cheese. Oh yeah, there is no glory in my kitchen.
Homework, do not even get me started about homework!! First of all, since when did half the school day get assigned to the parents to teach? I haven't had to do math for a very long time and the last time I did it was a fairly simple process. But how things have changed! I try to help my fifth grade daughter do a division problem and I am completely clueless as to how to do it the way it is now taught. I am supposed to be the smart mom and I look like an idiot unable to complete an elementary equation. My daughter gets frustrated, then I get frustrated and before you know it 105 divided by 6 turns into "Uggghhhhh,Mom you just don't understand!!!!!!!! I hate you!!!!!!!!" followed by a slamming door. Yep, this job is not for the easily offended.
Now this is just with one kid, add on another one, or two if you're really adventurous and the odds of making it eighteen years without being admitted go way, way down. Kids need attention, undivided attention. One divided by three equals something like .33333, which basically is thirty three percent of a mom, which is not nearly enough to take on one hundred percent kid. But what are you gonna do? So you give what you can give and you take turns with each one keeping in mind their own special needs and completely ingoring yours so by the time the day is done, you have a remaining one percent of yourself left and that is about enough to get you through brushing your teeth and climbing into bed. BUT, your husband has been off work for a couple hours now and he needs attention too. Ahhhhh, yes, stay at home moms work two jobs.....mom and wife and they have COMPLETELY different job descriptions and requirements. Take off one hat, put on the other, time for second shift. Not that we don't love our husbands and want to spend time with them, it's just that after hours on end of straight unselfish giving of everything we have to the kids, we really need a break!
Once the lights go out and your head hits the pillow, it would be a dream to think that you don't have to be at work until 8 or 9 the next morning. But the reality of it is, if anybody has a bad dream, a stomach ache, a wet diaper, there's no night shift...YOU are the night shift. And working a double is often routine.
And so goes the life of a stay at home mom. We are not miserable, bitter women jealous of other's in suits. We are not lazy, lounging ladies who live only to spend all our husbands money. We are professional,working women. Nobody has more experience in our field than we do.Nobody has spent the time and put the energy into our kids that we have. We have dreams that we keep secret and talents nobody knows. We are hot, sexy women, hidden under comfy clothes. We are still the women our husbands married and when given the chance to slip into that dress and prance around in those heels they remember why we have their last name. Becoming a mom is a sacrifice. The biggest sacrifice that has ever been. You give your life to your kids in hope that when they are grown, they will make this world a better place because you showed them how. It is THEE most important job of all time. Doctors save lives, presidents rule nations, teachers give knowledge, but parents grow people and what could be more incredible than that?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment