Call me Cindy Lou Who

So the holidays are here. Thanksgiving is under our belt (literally) and Christmas is fast approaching. This morning was spent in a whirlwind stuffing bags with tissue paper and truffles for teachers and cookies shaped like chocolate covered stars for the kids. There was hustle and bustle trying to get each of my kids ready for their last day of school before the dreaded and often feared Christmas Break. And I know why it's called Christmas Break, because at the end of it you want to break everything in your house and then have a major breakdown. Well at least I do, but maybe that's just me! For while I do truly enjoy not having to adhere to a schedule and love taking the girls out to do Christmas-y things, it is always with the grinch like character of Autism lurking in the shadows, as the spectrum knows no holiday.
During the month of December, one of the things most families do is take the kids to see Santa Clause. It's in the parenting handbook...you must take your little ones to sit on the big guys lap or you're a terrible parent. So, every Christmas that is what we do. But keep in mind, we are taking two little girls that know who Santa is, what he is all about and that we are going to have to wait patiently in line because all the other kids at the mall want to see him too BUT we are also taking along one little girl who knows the jolly fella's name but doesn't comprehend the whole sleigh full of presents thing, will pout and cry without a care of who's watching and really just wants to touch his beard and eyebrows and wants to do it NOW!!!! Yep, so while Mace and Nat wait with  the typical ancy-ness of children, Camryn waits for no man, not even the one in the red suit and so as Santa's helpers, the entire mall and even Santa himself watch in horror, Brad and I do our best to restrain our daughter while she bites her hands and yells out " I like his eyebrows!!" all the while trying to yank the Christmas bow right off the head of the kid in front of us. By the time we get to the front of the line, we are drenched in sweat and Camryn's Christmas dress in wrinkled, her hair is a mess and Santa looks very, very scared. It's a very merry time!
This year, I received a memo about a Santa setup designed specifically for children on the spectrum. It was called "Sensitive Santa" and basically it was Santa at the mall before shopping hours, lights were dimmed, the mall was completely void of music or piped in sound and all along the line there were areas for waiting kids to color or take a break from standing in line.In a nutshell, it was completely sensitive to the ensory issues of kids on the spectrum. It was a fabulous idea! HOWEVER....it was a fabulous idea that needs to be available more than one morning of the year because you know how statistics show every 1 in 100 kids is on the spectrum? I think they were ALL there that morning to see Sensitve Santa! The memo said it was from 8-10 a.m.so I figured Cams and I would go around 9 to avoid the crowd of early arrivers. And I almost didn't go because everything that could work against us that morning did and it would have been so much easier to stay home, but because I am the mother of an Autistic child and Westshore Mall was making an effort to offer this to my daughter I knew I had to go and support it in case nobody showed. So as we pull in the parking lot I see a few kids and their parents coming out with goodie bags and pictures. Maybe a handful of people. I figured we would be in there twenty minutes tops. HA! When I turned the corner to where Santa was, I could not believe the line! No lie, it had to have been seventy five deep! OMG! A line of seventy five plus parents with their autistic kids infamous for lacking patience waiting to see Santa? I knew I had entered hell. But we were there and Camryn was showing surprising interest in seeing Santa. She kept shouting out "I wanna see Santa! I wanna pet him! I wanna pick him up with two hands!" And while normally that would be the part where the crowd stared in judgement, that day we were amongst friends, though we knew not a single one of them, because they too lived on the spectrum and I didn't have to say a word. We took our place in line and the wait began. And I have to give Cam props because the girl did good! We only had two incidents of walk-by scratchings and one close call of a bowel movement that took her by surprise. But other than that I was so impressed with how well she waited in the line. And I was so shocked to see the excitement in her eyes as she shouted out about seeing Santa. She really wanted to see him!! It made me so happy to see that glimpse of "normal kid behavior". Because Camryn did so well and because I was in an atmosphere where I could let my guard down a bit, I found myself looking around at everybody there. Normally when we're out I am so tuned into Camryn and not taking my eyes off her I am oblivious to the surrounding crowd. But today I knew there would be no judging stares or pointed fingers and for once I was able to be out with Camryn and just be. It was so nice! While I was standing there I began to look around at all the other parents in line. And although they were from all walks of life they all had that same look on their face. The same look I see everyday when I look in the mirror. And I can't even explain what it is, but I recognized it immediately. Something between a look of desperation, exhaustion and deep,unconditional love. I watched all the kids. Autism is such a custom disorder. It is different and unique to each of it's host's, which is why they have the saying "If you've met one child with Autism, you've met one child with Autism". I studied them all, looking at their faces, their expressions, their movements and sounds. Some were very alert and verbal while others were lost deep within themselves. And I knew that for those this event, this waiting in this line, this was for the parents more than the child. For the parents who want their child to be like other kids and have what other kids have even if they don't even know they should want it. I know because I waited in that line for the very same reason.  I saw many parents who only had the one child, no siblings and were doing at Christmas what parents of typical kids do every year and take for granted. Going to see Santa, making Christmas cookies, wrapping dolls and legos and video games to be torn open by eagerly awaiting little hands. But for these parents, who have an only child who does not experience the magic of Christmas, who does not understand baking cookies or looking at lights or setting out milk for Santa, Christmas is not the same. Many Autistic kids don't play with toys. They don't hold a baby doll or play with army men. They don't long for the latest Nintendo game or beg for an iphone. But us mom's and dad's of Autism, we still know what Christmas is and we want to experience it with our children. So we go to the store and we buy toys in vain that maybe, just maybe our kids will play with instead of throw around and we decorate the tree and we read the stories and set out the cookies and go through the motions of Christmas as we know it and hope that behind that vacant stare they are getting it.
 I am so blessed that I also have two other children that are totally healthy and are typical kids. They know what Christmas is, they can't wait for Santa to come, their list is a mile long and I LOVE IT! We bake cookies and go looking at lights and watch every Christmas show ever made and sing the songs, buy the presents, leave food for the reindeer, etc. You name it, we do it! And I thank God I get to experience this with my kids because standing in that line I saw so many parent's who had just one child and that child was trapped inside his body, a prisoner of Autism and the joys of Christmas as a kid would not be the same and my heart broke for them.
So, Cams and I waited for....are you ready...drumroll please........an hour and a half!! Yes, one hour and thirty minutes my friends and then finally it was our turn. The last one hundred and eighty minutes of Camryn pining to see Santa was over and now it was her turn. The "elf" helping Santa came up to Cams and reached out her hand. "Come on sweetie, it's your turn to see Santa!" And the look of fear on Camryn's face was almost comical! She wanted nothing to do with that elf and now that she was within reach, she wanted nothing to do with Santa, his beard or his eyebrows! BUT I did not drive us all the way over here, wait in line for all that time, apologize to two moms for my daughter scratching their kid,and run like the wind to the other side of the mall before Camryn pooped her pants for us to not see Santa! I grabbed Camryn by the hand and led her to Santa's "throne". Santa looked very tired, as I'm sure this was much different from his usual gigs. Cam was digging her heels in the ground, but I managed to pull her up on my lap as I sat beside the big guy. "I haven't seen you in a very long time!" I joked with him. The man in front snapped our picture, Camryn jumped off my lap and in about nineteen seconds our visit with Santa was over. They handed us our picture and a candy cane and we were out the door. One hundred and eighty minutes of standing in line for that? Really?
 I wasn't sure if Cams got the whole thing, part of the thing, or any of it all, but I did and for now that's good enough. This wasn't about Camryn begging me to take her to see Santa. This wasn't about her writing a long list of wishes and asking Santa to bring them all Christmas Eve. This was about me as a mom of a little girl at Christmas time and not letting that mean, ugly Grinch called Autism steal Christmas!

Is This For Real?

I try to stay positive, you all know I do, but mornings like this one really leave me struggling to see the good in our situation. Last night was another rough one, with Cam's getting up twice, each time with a soaking wet pull up. She was screaming so loudly, even after I had taken her out of her room and changed her pullup. Not wanting to wake the rest of the house any more than we already had, I took her into the kitchen hoping the sight of the dog might quiet her. She was distracted by Riley only for a moment and then continued with ther ear piercing wails. Mason yelled from her bedroom," Be quiet Camryn!!!! I wish you could just move out!!!! I don't deserve this!!!!" 
I felt horrible because she is so right! No child deserves to grow up in this chaos. But then again, no child deserves to grow up in an abusive home, a shelter, a war torn country, a hospital ward, etc. This is what we have been given and compared to some other situations, it's a piece of cake, a really stale, dry piece of cake.  But when you're nine and it's two in the morning and your sister is screaming through the house, the self control to stay calm and tell yourself she is not doing it to be hateful just isn't there. I understand her frustration but I also have to let her know there is a different way to handle it. I had about a two second talk with her and she was back to sleep.
Cams finally went back down for good the second time and slept till six forty-five.
All was okay for about the first ten minutes, but then she started to get whiny and agitated. She was all dressed for school, looking so cute in her pleated skirt and zebra knee highs. But she wasn't acting cute so I put her in her room to look at books while I got the other two girls ready and not two minutes passed when I heard the dreaded phrase "I need the wipes honey". Oh sh**,literally!! Again she shouted out "I need wipes honey!" Everyone in this house knows that if Cams says she needs wipes it means she crapped in her pants.
She does this now alot and I don't know why! She knows how to tell me she needs to go poop, but does she tell me? Not when she's in her room. I guess she figures if I have the nerve to put her in her room she'll show me and sh** her pants. Uuuuggghhhh!!! Why?????????????????
I take her out of her room and start the stripping down process. First I take a peek in her panties to see what consistency we are dealing with. Mush, complete and total mushy, squishy poo just sitting there ready to ooze out the sides any second. And now it's my job to figure out how I am going to get these packed panties off Cams without creating a total mess. By the way, at this time there is about five minutes left before they need to leave for school. Brad is helping the other two while I take Camryn into the hallway and map out a plan in my head. First, shoes and knee highs off. Then skirt. Taking her shirt off will make her think she is getting in the bath and we have no time for that. I try to fold it up around her midsection in the hopes it will remain completely white. I have her down to her panties and they are sagging big time. She is very agitated and keeps trying to rip them off, which is exactly what I am trying despertately to prevent her from doing as taking them off in a rush would surely fling wet poo all over the house. Oh the glamor of my life!
She keeps pushing my hands away from her as I am trying to slip the panties off as carefully as possible. Somehow I managed to get them down with only minor smearage on her legs. I know, it's so gross! Brad and the kids are holding their breath trying not to inhale the stench and I am trying to kep her from stepping in the mess which is now on the floor on a plastic bag. She is wriggling and fussing the whole time I am trying to wipe her. I get her clean and get her dressed, AGAIN. Brad is ready to take them to school but Cams hair looks like rats have taken up residency in it so I decide to twist it into loose braids. Well, one of Cams sensory issues is that she does NOT like to have her hair brushed at all! It's an issue every morning, some worse than others and today was going to be one of the worse ones. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can but she is screaming and thrashing her head around. I am trying to remain calm and sing her a song about Uma going to the barbershop (it's a  character from Oobi, her favorite show). Now mind you, while all this was happening this morning, my right wrist is in a brace. Turns out it wasn't fractured, but tendonitis, which let me just say is equally painful. I removed the brace for the blowout, for obvious reasons, but put it back on before I did her hair. Btu does Cams know why I have that thing on my wrist or does she care? Nope! She is whacking my hand and wrist tryng to get me to stop and finally I just say "I give up!" Brad takes Camryn and scolds her for hurting me. I manage to get her hair into something that resembles braids and send her out the door. She is still whining and screaming as she gets in Brads truck, but at least the wails will get fainter and fainter as he drives away. I could not wait for them to leave! Horrible I know, but true! Nat is the only one left in the house and I give her a big hug and kiss and let her know I love her. She says she loves me too. That girl is such a blessing to this family. She is a sister for Mason the way a sister should be and she is a little girl for us the way a little girl is imagined. I love Camryn with all my heart, issues and all, but to look at my youngest daughter and see her playing with dolls and drawing rainbows and flowers brings my heart so much joy. Joy that is often shadowed and marred by the ugliness of Autism.
So all my girls are at school now and I can finally breathe. The house is completely silent except for the tapping of my computer keys. In three hours I will pick up Nat and then an hour after that Mace and Cam. Yesterday Camryn bit my arm and screamed all the way to the car so I'm guessing today won't be much different. I'll try to listen to Mason's day as we drive home while Camryn pinches my arm and screams in the front seat. This is my life and even though I don't understand why, I know there is a reason and I have to keep going.I have to believe that someday I will look around and say "Aha, so that's why!" and then all of the chaos and heartbreak and struggles will make sense. Until then I will continue to clean up blowouts, dodge flying hands and plug my ears up with cotton. It's not pretty but somebody's gotta do and for whatever the reason may be, that somebody is me.

You Are What You Eat....We'll See

Well, I caught one....a dream that is. Just one but thank God because I really wasn't sure how I was going to keep going if I didn't sleep for at least four consecutive hours. Cams slept from eleven to six thirty Monday night and it was fabulous! I felt like a new woman Tuesday morning! Tuesday evening however she was back to her old shenanigans and last night too, so not really sure when my eyelids will have that much downtime again. It's so frustrating because I have no idea what was different about Monday night than the other nights. She didn't eat anything different, do anything different, it was just a typical day. I keep looking back to see if I can pinpoint any little thing that may have been the reason she slept so well, but so far, I got nothin'!
But anyway, I really wanted to talk about something else. Last Friday Brad and I attended the National Autism Conference at the Tradewinds Resort on St. Pete Beach. The conference was from Thursday to Sunday with various speakers scheduled each day. There were several presenters on the agenda including Dr. Bradstreet, a nationally recognized DAN! doctor. For those of you who aren't familiar with DAN! I'll explain. It stands for Defeat Autism Now and is based on the belief that biomedical medical intervention is the route to take when treating Autism. The belief is that by following a certain diet, adding various supplements and spending time in a hyperbaric chamber many of the "symptoms" of Autism can be greatly alleviated.
I have heard about DAN! for years, but have never looked into as an option for us, number one because of the expense and number two because is seemed incredibly involved. And it is.
Being a parent, as we all know, is a 24-7 deal. There's never any time off, or end of the work day. We are constantly on and between doing the laundry, helping with homework, grocery shopping, housecleaning, picking up, dropping off, bathing, feeding, etc. you are lucky if you yourself have a shower and a meal. If my kids eat a dinner that I didn't pick up at at a drive thru and are in bed by eight o'clock, then I consider it a highly successful day. So when I first looked into the DAN! protocol and saw that diet played a huge part in the treatment I immediately thought "No way!" We have been down the diet road before, back when Cams was about three. I was still a mother of just two and a relatively new resident of Autismville. I was desperate for a way to "fix" my daughter and after doing much research online decided I would try the GFCF diet. Gluten free Casein free is a diet that basically removes anything that tastes good or is easy to find  on the basis that the reason some Autistic kids have Autistic behaviors and tendencies is because they have an allergy to gluten and casein, which in case you didn't know is contained in just about everything! I was seriously motivated and immediately ordered the GFCF diet and all it's accessories, ecstatic that I had found a way to cure Camryn.
About seven days later when the book arrived and I started reading down the list of foods Camryn could no longer eat I wondered what in the hell I was thinking! I knew that bread was going to be a no-no, but virutally everything on the "bad" list could have been found in my pantry and refrigerator at that very minute. I was overwhelmed to say the least, but still hellbound to fix Cams, so I threw out the bread and milk and cheese and cereal and yogurt and chicken nuggets and crackers and pasta and pretty much everything else in our house and replaced it with Boars Head lunch meat, Quinoa "pasta", a very dense and expensive loaf of something called bread, but it wasn't and many other strange supposedly edibles that I had never heard of. If we went out to eat it was always " Hamburger, plain with steamed broccoli, no butter" and Cams ate it, because unlike a lot of other kids on the spectrum, Cams will eat just about anything. It was a very intense intervention because until you remove everyday food from your diet you don't realize how much a part of your existence it is. And as a mom of two kids under six with a husband who worked insane hours, I relied very heavily on things that were convenient. Happy meals?See ya! Pizza? Miss you old friend! Pop tart? I don't think so! Uuugghhh! It was hard!
Now if I was a different type of person, the type who always has a sprig of fresh herbs in the crisper in case I want to make homeade vinegarette that night or  whole sticks of cinnamon in the spice rack just waiting to be shaved into a brew of hot cider, then maybe this whole GFCF thing wouldn't  have been quite so hard. But I do not prepare homemade anything and I certainly wasn't going to start at thirty with a busy five year old and a three year old on the spectrum. Somehow, we stuck it out for about six months with Cams on the diet. Did we notice a change? Yes, but a slight one. She didn't seem as aggressive towards other kids,but I still couldn't let her wander in a toddler crowd without me being right beside her, because she still had incidences of biting and pinching. If we had kept her on the diet longer would it have gotten better? Maybe,but we would never know because by that time I was pregnant with Natalie, sick as a street dog and popping nuggets in the microwave like nobody's business. I felt like a failure.
So here we are four years and several medications later and the only thing that has changed about Cams aggression is the size of her weapons. Her fingers are bigger and stronger and her teeth have a much higher PSI. Things are bad. She is assaulting her sisters at home and we are getting calls every week from school. Natalie doesn't even want to walk past Cams room to get to her own for fear Camryn will hurt her. Mason is trying to be a good sister and daughter and offers to go into Camryns room while she is screaming and throwing things to try and calm her down so I can prepare dinner only to come out seconds later crying because Camryn hurt her. It breaks my heart!
In desperation, Brad and I attended the NAC hoping like hell we would come across some sort of treatment that would improve all of our's quality of life. There were aisles of vendors, everything from specially designed carseats to tracking devices if your child wanders off, both of which caught our attention, as Camryn frequently unbuckles her seatbelt while we're driving and will follow a dog miles and miles, with no worry of getting lost or abducted. The speakers that day were a neuropsychologist, a woman featured on HBO for her ability to teach Autistic kids to communicate, a speaker on Autism and puberty and Dr. Bradstreet's presentation on biomedical interventions. We made it to the neuropsychologist and Dr. Bradstreet. After hearing everything he had to say and looking at the research to back it up, Brad and I made a decision to try a natural approach one more time. It all makes sense and even though it doesn't work for every child, what if Cam was one of the kids it did work for? Back at the vendor section we stopped at several booths selling enzymes and vitamins. Dr. Bradstreet spoke of the importance of these and also a substance called secretin. In fact, from what Brad and I got out of it, secretin was one of the key components of his treatment plan.We were definitely going to do it! We left feeling inspired and as soon as we got home I looked online for the Feingold diet and ordered the literature.This diet is a bit different from the GFCF in that is focuses mainly on removing artificial dyes, preservatives and nitrates. It seems almost as strict, but maybe a tad more do-able with young kids. Supposedly the results are pretty significant and from what I have read, fast, with some reporting visible changes in as little as four days. I am hopeful,but cautious.
Along with implementing this diet, we have decided to take Camryn off the medicine Risperidone, which her neurologist prescribed a year ago for her aggression.  We have never been thrilled with the results and after talking with a friend of mine the other night and learning that her daughter was also put on this drug and had horrible side effects that included insomnia,urinating all over the floor and extreme hyperness, we decided right then to get this drug out of Cams system.
So, any day now the diet should arrive. I am excited but also fearful.What if it's too big of a comittment at this stage of our life? What if it's too overwhelming? What if it doesn't work? What if it does?
I hope in a month I will write a blog giving my testimony to the miraculous benefits of the Feingold diet. I hope that once the Risperidone exits Cams body she will be different, in a good way. I hope that in six months my kids,all three of them, will sit at the beach together and build sandcastles and bury each other in the sand, the way sisters do. But most of all I hope that if none of these things happen, I can look at my daughter, in all her Autistic splendor and know that I tried everything I knew to make her better,only to see that ironically she was the one who made me better, and did it just by being the way she is.

Chasing Dreams....

My kids are ages 9,7 and 4. They are that age for a reason, because four and a half years ago I birthed my last baby and made a promise to my body to never put it through that again. I cherished the times baby Natalie woke in the night for me to feed and hold her because I knew that was my last round of night duty and it would go so fast. And when she began to sleep through the night, I sang a round of "Hallelujah's!" before snuggling into my cozy bed for a full eight hour slumber.
Well....about a week ago all that changed. Apparently Camryn has been  feeling nostalgic for her early years and has called her inner child out to play, and because she is still a child herself that would make her inner child about six months old. So last Friday baby Camryn revisited the family, making her first appearance at the glorious hour of one a.m. Brad was out of town and I had just entered the good part of sleep, you know the part where you are perfectly positioned in your bed, the covers are tucked in at just the right places. The room is dark and cool and you are just about to be crowned Miss America and then "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I nearly jumped out of my skin! She does this alot,so you'd think I'd be used to it, but most times if I lay very still and ignore her she ends up going back to bed. I was as still as a leaf on the forest floor, hoping, praying I would hear her feet pounding on the wooden floor as she got back in bed. But nope, again "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh, Mamaaaaaaaaaa!" Camryns bedroom is directly next to Mason and Natalies so when Cam screams, we all hear it! And with no carpet in the house to muffle the wails, it's enough to make your ears bleed, really.
As I am making my way down the hallway, I hear Mason shout out "Beeeeeeee Quiettttttttttttttt!!!!" which only makes Camryn scream louder and harder which wakes up Natalie who starts crying which gets me wondering "Why did I have kids again?"
I open Cams gate and it's like letting a bull out of it's chute. She pounds through the darkened house in search of one thing....RyRy. I give Mason a quick lecture about how her screams only make Cams screams worse, tuck Nat back in bed and run off to find Cams, who is up in Rileys face saying "Cube cubes".
I check her pullup and sure enough, it's soaked. I put a dry one on her, give her a drink and take her back in her room. I go through the blanketing ritual...first the sheet, then the fleece blanket, then the quilt and last but not least the weighted blanket. I make sure she has her little blankie she's had since birth that she chews on and white tiger and then close the gate and tip-toe back to my room, desperately trying not to make a single sound. I climb toward my pillow like a leapord stalking it's prey and when I reach it, lay my head down as quietly as I can. I cover up, roll over, get comfy and then........I hear the crinkle of her weighted blanket being kicked off, her feet on the wood floor and I brace myself for the piercing screams. "Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! I need help!!!!!!!!"  OMG!!! It's nearly two a.m. now. I repeat the actions I had taken just moments earlier and get back in bed only to be awakened at three and then four. By this time I am livid! I feel so bad because I have no idea what it wrong. Her forehead is cool, her pullup is dry, she has been fed and watered and tucked and patted and whatever else I can think of to get her to sleep. The only thing I haven't tried is meds. She takes Clonidine before bed to help her get to sleep and the half a pill lasts for three hours, by which time she should be in a deep enough sleep that she won't wake until morning. Well, that night it just wasn't happening and knowing that in three hours her sisters would be up and I was on duty all weekend while Brad was away was enough to make me grab that bottle and slip her another half a pill while feeling like a total loser, drugging my kid so I can get some sleep. Desperate measures, but let me tell you, these were some desperate times.
So I give her the Clonidine, layer her with blankets and lay down in hopes of sleeping more than one hour at a time. Well, she slept till seven, which gave me about two hours of uninterrupted sleep. She seemed none the worse for having the night from hell and during the day she didn't seem tired at all. I on the other hand was dragging and I was determined to sleep in peace that night so I took the girls to a nature park where they could run and play and basically use up any energy they had. Mason and Natalie walked the trails and ran around and Camryn pulled the wagon. We were there for three hours and then went to dinner. I let Camryn stay up late, sure that she would be nearly in a coma by ten and sleep through that night. Once the kids were all tucked in, I got this burst of energy at around eleven p.m. Had to be one of those so-tired-you're slap happy moments and in this impaired mental state I decided I would do all the laundry! Yep, all eight loads of it. So there I was just a washin' and a foldin', never mind that it was midnight and I had a serious deficiency of shut-eye. Surely Cams would sleep through, there was no way she wouldn't be exhausted after the previous night and the active day. I was totally counting my chickens before they hatched, only they were sheep and they were supposed to jump.
So one in the morning, the last load washed and folded I decide to get to bed. As the night before,I get super comfy in my bed, REM starts kicking in and then.....you guessed it! Crinkle,Pound, Wail! The Rice Krispies guys have nothing on Cams. And so my night went, much like the night before and for no reason I could see. And this pattern has continued, with last night making it six in a row. And the strangest thing is, Camryns teacher has commented every day what a wonderful day Cam had! What? She did so well she got to go to treasure box twice! Okay, so is the solution to Cams aggression that we never sleep? Is this a cruel joke? I know I have been praying for a solution to her behaviors but this really isn't what I had in mind.
I'm sure it's a crazy coincidence, but again, it's another one of the mysteries of Autism I'd love to decode.
Until we find out what the culprit is, I will be taking whatever preventative measures I can think of to get this girl in a serious slumber.
I'm going today to buy her flannel sheets and snug pajamas in the hopes that she is waking because she is cold and because of her sensory awareness issues she doesn't cover herself back up and this way she will stay warm and not awake from the chill.
I am also going to buy a sound machine and turn on some white noise tonight. Maybe it's too quiet at night (which by the way is the ONLY time it is ever too quiet around here).
And I will be stocking up on anything lavendar.... bath soap, lotion, fresh leaves to scatter on her pillow...whatever will get this child to sleep tonight! I am a very tired woman!
Hopefully tomorrow I will be writing about how I climbed Mt Everest and was on the Today Show to talk about it and when I showed up for my interview with Matt Lauer I was naked and then a tiger came on the set and chased me all the way back to my gingerbread house where a witch was waiting with dinner on the table because then it will mean I had a dream which means I'll have slept!! I already have my hiking boots ready!

Oh Crap!

I want to open this post with a prayer:

Dear God,
Remember all those times I prayed to you asking for fortune and fame and a perfect body? Well I have finally realized that those things are not what matters most in life, which must be why I have never received them, as you wanted me to appreciate the true blessings in life such as health, family and friends. And I do. But Lord, can you help me out with the whole Cam pooping in her pants thing now? I mean, it's been almost eight years!! I get it, no Mercedes, no talk show, no size two jeans. Okay, I'm cool with that. But please God, please, just a day without throwing another pair panties in the garbage  and scrubbing poop up off the floor would be such a blessing! Thank you Lord. Amen!

For those of you who may be thinking I am mocking prayer. I am not. I am truly thankful for the blessings in my life. I am healthy, surrounded by amazing friends and supported by a loving family. And I am so thankful. But people, seriously, I have been wiping butts for going on ten years now! I'm ready for a change, and I don't mean a new diaper!
Now in all fairness to Camryn, she has come a long way as far as the toileting issues go. While her having bowel movements in her pants is still a problem, thank God the days of using it as body paint and wall accents are over. Every parent has a story of when their kid had a blowout and then decorated their crib with the stuff. But I think if you ask around, most of the parents will say it happened when their kid was a toddler. I really don't come across too many moms telling stories of six year old Johnny playing with Lincoln Logs and then come to find out they weren't really "Lincoln" logs.
Camryn has only had one incident in the past several months where the poop made it out of the panties and onto places it should never,ever be. And for a while there, Cams was going days at a time with only using the toilet during day and waking up with just a wet pullup. But lately, there hasn't been a day go by without Camryn saying "Do you need a wipe honey?" while walking around with a big pile of poo in her pants. And this has been most interesting as my right arm, my good ole' wiping arm, is in a splint for my fractured wrist. With two good arms, getting the panties off without the poop smudging her legs or splatting to the floor is a real challenge, so having only one fully functioning hand takes it to a whole new level. And the whole time, Cam is squirming around, legs going everywhere, hands picking out remnants from places I really wish her hands wouldn't go. Me trying to avoid getting smeared while trying to get her feet out of her panties and keeping the poop in them. On a good day, with two good hands, I'm actually pretty good at keeping the glob in tact and transferring it from panties to toilet bowl, leaving nothing a good splash of bleach can't get rid of. But throw in the fact that one of my arms is wrapped to a plastic board and it would be easier to get Oprah and David Letterman together than my thumb and pointer finger and the whole smooth transfer thing goes down the drain, but not nearly as literally as I'd like.
Cam knows how to use the toilet. She knows how to say "I need to go poop" and she does it quite often. I can understand if we were out somewhere with no access to a restroom and she had an accident, but just yesterday she was at the table with crayons and then got up saying" I need a wipe honey" which means "I crapped in my pants and you're gonna need not just one wipe but several to clean my butt." Sorry, but that's what it means. And of course I do it without getting mad because that's my little girl and she doesn't do it to gross me out or buy her a pony. For whatever reason, be it she is learning a new skill so her toileting is taking a backseat ( no pun intended) right now or she is stressed about something and not able to be at her best for the moment. I don't know. I just really wish we could get this part of her delay over with as the bigger she gets the bigger her poop gets and I mean really...do I have to explain?
Because necessity is the mother of invention, I have been coming up with some pretty good ideas of contraptions that could be used in the cleaning up process and I must say, some of them are quite creative and I could probably make millions in the right market,which would be the answer to my prayers of fame and fortune. And because of the nature of the work my appetite would surely diminish, shrinking me down to my pre-baby size. Funny huh? I'm tellling you, God has got a great sense of humor. Yes Eve, you can  have everything you always thought you wanted, but you're gonna have to go through a whole lot of crap to get it! Well in that case, no thanks! Perspective changes everything.

So for today this is my wish, my desire, my prayer. If I cannot have a million dollar mansion, if I cannot have buns or thighs or something of steel, then Lord please, can we at least work something out where I don't have to duke it out with Cam's bowel movements every day and call it even?
 Whatever the answer, I will continue to deal with the accidents and clean them up the best I can. I will even continue to see the humor in it all, as without laughing I would surely be a permanent resident of the local loony bin. Just gotta face it. We all have **it to deal with. There's even the saying..."**it happens". I just happen to be dealing with the literal interptretation of it and boy does it stink!

Lions and Tigers and...Vampires?

Well October is finally over and we are now in the first few days of the month to give thanks and let me start by giving thanks that October is finally over!! While it is always a crazy busy month, this year October tried to kill me! Between my birthday, the Halloween party, ZooBoo, trick-or-treating and countless other things that went on in those thirty-one days, it is no wonder I had to literally drag myself out of bed this morning after hitting snooze seven times! And if I was that tired, imagine how the kids felt! In fact, they were so tired that...get this....I had to wake Camryn up! Now that's tired!
Like I said, October is always a busy month for us, but this was the first year we had a Halloween party and also the first year we did ZooBoo and trick-or-treating back to back. For those of you going ZooBoo???, what's ZooBoo?, it is an anuual event held at the Lowry Park Zoo in Tampa at night during the month of October. The zoo is transformed into a Halloween wonderland, with orange twinkle lights, animated skeletons, inflatable pumpkins and just about any other thing that falls under the category of Halloween.  They have several themed Haunted Houses and the kids can wear their costumes. We have been going since Mason was three and because Halloween is Mason's favorite time of year, going to ZooBoo is more important to her than going trick-or-treating. So even though we were booked solid up until the very end of the month, and going to ZooBoo the night before Halloween was not really what I wanted to do, we squeezed it in for the sake of our daughters happiness.
Camryn enjoys it too, but always from the confines of a stroller, cause that's how Cams rolls (pun definitely intended). She has always been perfectly content to buckle herself in and be pushed around the zoo, taking it all in at about two mph. There is always much talk about going days before, so Cams has a heads up. I tell her we are going to see ghosts and spooky things, but I have no idea if she even knows what spooky means because when your kid can't tell you what they're thinking it's kinda hard to know. She is just happy to be in a costume and be with our family and friends, really doesn't matter what we do or where we go. She's easy.  What's funny is that because she doesn't say much about it, last year we didn't even think about her possibly being scared in the haunted houses. And because I am a major wuss when it comes to spooky dark places, I always make Brad go first. Which is fine, BUT last year he was pushing the stroller, so really the first person to enter the tunnel of darkness was completely unaware of what she was about to do Camryn! I was at the back of our group so at first it never occurred to me that my little girl, the one who I have no idea if she understands Haunted Houses, would be the first one shaking skeletons and giant spiders would leap out at. I know, terrible! And I guess it never crossed Brad's mind either, because he just pushed her on in. Now again, we have NO idea what Camryn is thinking when she sees a glowing skeleton or creepy clown. Last year, she really showed no fear when we would go to the Halloween store to see all their spooky wares.In fact, there was an animated zombie that actually crawled on the floor when it was activated and Camryn grabbed it by it's strangly gray hair, picked it up off the floor and said "She needs a hug. I wanna give him a hug"! It needed more than a hug, but the innocence! At six years old, she wasn't afraid of this bloody rubber person with yellow eyes and stringy hair because she didn't know she should be. And that's how she was with every other scary object in the store. At ZooBoo however, it was a different story because the haunted houses were mostly dark and there were strobe lights, loud sounds and creepy things popping up and out and every other direction as you walked by. And me being such a fraidy cat, I kept to the back of the line figuring there was nothing I could do if she was scared that Brad couldn't do, so there was no need for me to make my way through the dark creepiness to find them. I know, I know, I'm terrible! When we finally made it through the fog and the darkness, I exited to see Camryn sitting in the stroller, looking just the same as when we went in. Brad said the only thing she said was an occasional "All done" as they were walking through. It really didn't phase her.
So fast forward three hundred and fifty something days and we are at the Halloween store for our annual walk through. The first display we come upon are some freaky looking clowns that turn their heads when you push the button. I had Camryn's hand,not because I thought she would be scared but because I was scared of her getting in a random scratch at passers-by. I walked toward the clowns and was shocked that Camryn refused to follow. She was staring at the clowns as if they were...scary! She was scared!! I was so excited! Now I know that sounds crazy,but Camryn showing fear is a sign that she is maturing, becoming more aware, progressing!!! I tried to make her go up to them to see they were pretend (another concept I have no idea if she gets) but she would not move. We took a detour around the clowns toward the back of the store. I wanted to see if she was afraid of anything else. This year a popular theme for Halloween was zombie babies and kids and I get where they got their inspiration from because kids are totally scary!! There was a "playground" set up with zombie kids on a teeter-totter and merry-go-round and to me it just looked ridiculous. But Natalie had no interest whatsoever in making friends with them and Mason just said they looked creepy. Camryn stared at them for a while and then decided all they really needed was a hug. "I wanna give him a hug. Him needs kiss. Muwah!!" Obviously, the fear thing would be a slow process.
So, knowing the clowns freaked her out, I knew to keep her away from them and women with too much makeup, but nothing else seemed to scare her. Things shouldn't be much different at ZooBoo this year then.
Because a year has passed Camryn no longer fits in the stroller, so we upgraded to a wagon. It was nice because she was more out in the open, but it was bad because she was more out in the open. Brad pulled and I walked next to her, protecting any little arms and faces that got too close. The night was beautiful and the zoo was packed as usual. When we approached the first haunted house, we were told the wagon coudn't come through. Ohhhhh, okayyyyy. Because Nat was scared, Brad carried her, which left me to hold onto Camryn (this was before I knew my wrist was broken,yep). There were other adults with us, but Cam is her Momma's girl and if Daddy wasn't going to carry her then Mommy would be her escort. We entered the dark room and I kept a tight grip on her. She was walking with me, but keeping a much slower pace. I think what scared her the most was the fact she couldn't see where she was walking and she has major issues with feeling unsteady. Our group is one of those groups with people running ahead and jumping out, so Mason and my brother were being crazy, Nat was wrapped around Brad like a vine and my mom and I were making sure to stay in between the group so nothing could grab us. About two minutes into the hauntedness, Camryn shouts out "Game over!" Hahahahahaha! We all laughed so hard! Game over? Where had she heard that? Wherever it was, she knew what it meant and when to use it! I tried to make the walk thru funny,pointing out silly skeletons and such. Cams didn't look scared, but obviously she was feeling unsure because after the "game over" comment, she kept waving at everything saying "Bye, have a good day! Drive carefully!" LOL! That is her way of saying "I am outta here!"
We made it through the first house, and Cams was fine. As were approaching the next one a littly boy about Masons age and his grandmother walked over to Cams and me and asked if we had just come out of the Haunted Shipwreck. I told him yes and he asked was it scary? "Yes, it's scary, but not horrible." He asked if things jump out at you to which I answered that things pop out, but nobody jumps out and that it is all pretend. He was so cute and serious with his inquiry. "I'm scared of things jumping out at me" he said. And as soon as he finished his sentence Camryn, who had been standing nicely holding my hand, reached out with the speed of light and pinched his cheek. "Ohhh honey, I am so sorry!" I said, completely moritfied. His grandmother just smiled and said it was alright. He looked shocked but okay and I said "Now that was scary! That was worse than the haunted house!" He laughed and we moved on. Cams, Cams, Cams!
We went throgh four haunted houses all together. Camryn did good and only assaulted one other ZooBooer, this one a teenager who was using her cell phone as a light in the darkness. Cams saw it and because she loves her some cellphones, she reached out and grabbed it out of the girls hands,throwing in a pinch for good measure. Brad was with her at the time and he gave it back to the girl and apologized.Moving right along!
During ZooBoo, all of the animal exhibits are closed except for the manatees and stingray touch tank. My kids love to pet the stingrays! Brad bought some shrimp to feed them and while Mason and Nat placed it in their hand and let the rays eat it, Cam  didn't really get the whole palm flat concept and just threw the shrimp in the water. Whatever! While my other two gently rubbed the rays backs, Camr reached in and tried to lift them out of the water! At one point she got so excited she splashed her hand hard in the tank and completely soaked Mason's ladybug dress and Natalies little mermaid gown. Mason screamed out at Camryn and Natalie started bawling. Cam was "growling" and tweaking up a storm! The crowd looked over and I just gave them a big smile as if to say  "HI!!!"
We toweled the girls off and moved on to the carousel. Yes I said it, the carousel. And what better place to take on such a scary expedition but ZooBoo? Anybody who reads this blog knows what an undertaking the carousel can be when Camryn is involved. It is her absolute FAVORITE thing to do and the fact that you must wait in line and only ride once doesn't sit so well with her. At this point in my mother of autism career though, I am so past not doing something because people will stare, so Cams and I got in the line while Nat waited next to us with my brothers girlfiend. Cams was excited but.....she waited so well!! She was tweaking and squealing out loud, but no meltdowns whatsoever! I held both her hands up as we made our way to pick her horse and I made sure to stand in between her and the little girl next to her. I had to hold on to her while the carousel turned because you know Cams is too cool to hold on. She was grimacing, biting her hand and shrieking in joy, but no bystanders were injured and there were no fall on the floor screaming tantrums when we had to get off. I was impressed!
Last stop was the petting zoo, which was closed but you could still feed the goats. Again, Mason and Nat got that you had to put the food in the palm of your hand to feed the goats while Cams just threw the pellets over the fence. The goats didn't care, it was still food. Cams was more interested in any physical contact she could get with the animals and at one point she was on the ground trying to lick an eating goats tongue! Ewwwwww! Not enough toothpaste in the world!
By this time it was eleven, ZooBoo was over and we headed out. All in all it was a success! A little boy was pinched, a girls cell phone grabbed, Mason and Nats costumes soaked and a goat was slightly molested, so yeah, in our book that's a good night!
I can't wait to see what happens next year. Unless Radio Flyer comes out with a larger model, I'm thinking Cams is going to have to two-foot the whole thing, which will be a welcome change. Hopefully we can exit dry and without DNA under Cams nails and on her tongue. But whatever it will be, I know it will be interesting because with Camryn, life is always interesting and that's just how we like it!

A Conscious Decision

So... I have  many things I want to write about, but before I do, I just have to write this little post about an experience I had this weekend that is even more proof that God has a great sense of humor.
Anybody who knows me knows I love a good clearance sale. I can see those little orange tags from a mile away! And anybody who knows me also knows how much I love Target. Love it, looooooove it! And when Target is having a clearance sale, and they always are having a clearance sale, I am higher than Lindsay Lohan after a court date.
This past Saturday I was at Target getting last minute costume accessories for our annual outing to ZooBoo (I'll get to that in the next post). Mason needed some black shoes, so while I was picking them up in the shoe aisle I spotted an endcap overflowing with shoes, each of them dangling a little,orange tag! I was in a hurry and really had no time to be looking for shoes for myself but I mean really, there is always time for a shoe sale. I rummaged through the lot of zebra sequined flats, some God-awful furry flip flops and then to several pair of blue and white tennies. They were super cute and just what I had been wanting, as my current sneakers are great for exercise, but not so much for show. The tag read a normal price of $27.99 on clearance for $19.27. Too much, that's not clearance. I tossed the pair back on the shelf and happened to see a pair on the bottom that were priced at $8.74, with a normal price of $34.99. They were the EXACT same shoes and out of about fifteen pair, they were the only ones with the $8.74 and $34.99 pricing. Hmmmmmm, this totally looks like a case of a price mix-up and clearly these shoes were not supposed to sell for $8.74. But they were soooo cute and they were my size and if the price tag says $8.74 then I should get them for $8.74 because it's not my fault someone messed up the pricing gun and anyway I spend so much money at Target they should give me the shoes for free, plus a pair of socks because I deserve it! I'm sick, I know. So, after I told my conscience to pipe down, I plopped the sneakers in my cart and headed off to the cosmetics section. I needed to get Mason some red nail polish for her ladybug costume.
Up at the register, I felt like I was trying to smuggle a bomb onto a plane or something. I nervously placed the shoes on the conveyor and tried to make small talk with the cashier, hoping she wouldn't sense that I was a horrible, terrible person about to get one over on Target. I kept watching the scanner to see if maybe by some chance the shoes would ring up at $8.74 on their own, but they didn't. $19.27 showed up on the register in green digital numbers and just as she was tossing them in the bag I said "Oh, I thought those shoes were $8.74? The tag says $8.74". She checked them and said "You're right. I'm sorry!" She said she was sorry! I pictured the devil getting my room ready in Hell. I paid the bill and hurried out before the pricing police got wind of what had just transpired and hurried home to get ready for our evening.
I showed Brad the shoes, leaving out the part that they weren't REALLY $8.74. There was no need to tarnish his image of me."Aren't they cute? I love them!" I said as I danced around the kitchen with my prize in my hands. I took them into the bedroom and laid them on the bed. Mason came in to get her nails painted with the fire engine red polish I bought earlier at Target. I alternated red and black to go with her ladybug outfit. They looked so cute!When I was done, I set the nail polish on the nightstand and proceeded to get myself ready to go. Camryn was in her room screaming from behind the gate so after I had Mace and Nat ready to go, I let her out. She came galloping into our room, tweaking and biting her hand. She was in her zebra outfit and hyped up because she knew we were going to the zoo that night. As usual she was taking whatever was in her way and flinging it here and throwing it there. I had planned on going as a vampiress and was in deep concentration in the mirror, lining my eyes just right with jet black liner when out of the corner of my eye I saw it. It was like it was in slow motion, me turning around, my hair flying in the direction of my head, my eyes like saucers and my mouth forming a perfect O, shouting "Noooooooooooooo!" as I watched Camryn,bright red nail polish container in one hand and the lid with brush attached in the other, fling a splash of cherry lacquer on my brand new sneakers! My should have been $19.27 but I'm so slick I got them for $8.74 sneakers! "No Camryn, no, no, no!!!!!" Brad grabbed the polish out of her hand and put her back in her room. I grabbed the shoes and immediatley started dabbing them with acetone soaked cotton balls. Our bedspread was also streaked with red, but I didn't care, I just kept blotting the white mesh with nail polish remover, but it was all in vain. There was no way those shoes were coming clean.
I was so mad! Brad kept saying "Don't worry about it,just go back and get another pair. They were only eight bucks." That's when I figured if the shoes weren't going to come clean, at least I should. I told him the whole story and we both had a good laugh at how quickly karma responded. She may be a bitch, but she's an efficient one. We headed out to the zoo and I actually forgot about what happened until one of our friends said "What is on Camryn's shoe? Is that supposed to look like blood?" I glanced down and sure enough, somehow Camryn had assaulted her own shoes in the process. I just looked at her shoes and then turned to my friend and said "It's not blood, it's Wet and Wild #27...long story, I'll have to tell you later!"

And In This Corner.....

Sometimes I SWEAR I am on Candid Camera! I just got a call from the school. It wasn't to tell me one of my kids felt ill and needed to come home, it wasn't Mason asking me to bring in her math book she forgot, and it wasn't the cafeteria letting me know the kids lunch money was low. No, it wasn't any of these normal, run-of-the-mill kinds of phone calls every parent gets now and then. It was the behavior specialist calling about, you guessed it, Camryn and how because her pinching and scratching has gotten out of hand and all attempts to curb this behavior have failed they have decided that from now on Camryn will have to wear gloves at school! I didn't know whether to burst out laughing or crying! Gloves? GLOVES?!
Now I have to admit, Brad and I have pondered this solution as well. But we have never taken this approach because we figured all she would do is take them off anyway. We even joked about getting her boxing gloves that lace up, but figured that could present a whole other array of problems. And Mason suggested handcuffs,seriously thinking in her nine year old mind that she had come up with a way to solve this problem. We are perfectly aware that her five fingered assaults are on the rise and we have the scabs to prove it. And we also knew that she was doing this at school, but have had no idea how to stop it.
I have had to call the office several times to let them know that Camryn needs an adult waiting for her as soon as I pull into the car circle in the morning because the safety patrols are getting attacked when they open the door to let Cam out. And despite the abuse, they all fight over which patrol gets to walk Camryn to class, as they can't help but love her, even if she leaves them bloody and wounded. And while I think it's great to see other kids accepting and loving my daughter, as a mother, if that were my patrol coming home with scratches, I wouldn't care if the kid was autistic or not, I wouldn't want my child in charge of walking her anywhere. And then, once Cam gets in her classroom, her classmates run for their lives. She has gotten them all, but has taken a liking (or maybe disliking) to one little guy in particular and pinches and scratches the heck out of him. Thank God his mother understands the obvious situation, but her son deserves to go to school and be in a safe environment and if you are in a class with Cam, there is nothing safe about it!
So, like I said, I have called the school several times to discuss this issue and FINALLY a woman from the office is coming to meet Camryn in the morning and walk her to class. BUT, in the afternoon, it's a different story. Up until now, the way dismissal has been handled is Mason leaves class five minutes earlier than her classmates and walks to Cams room. She waits there with Cams and listens to Cams classmates tell her how her sister hurts them until the bell rings and then walks Cam to the car circle, where they wait with the other kids. For the most part, I guess you could say Camryn has done well. She has been pinching and scratching but, and I know this sounds horrible, at least they are fifth graders and not as vulnerable as the little guys. However, she did get a little kindergartner a few weeks back, hooking the side of her mouth with her finger. She steals other kids food if they happen to have crackers or something while they wait, but again, nothing horrible. Lately though it has been getting worse and if that isn't bad enough, the worst thing is that when she sees me pull up, because she has no sense of danger, she runs into the parking lot towards our car with only Mason to hold her back, which may as well  be a feather tied to a lead balloon. I was so upset at the latest incident of this and let the school know again an adult MUST be with Camryn at all times when she is outside.
So, we got that straightened out and the girls were sitting away from the other kids at pick up time, close enough where Mason could still talk to her friends, but far enough away that other kids weren't within Cams reach. Well, when I got the phone call about the gloves, I was also told that dismissal was going to be handled differently with Cam as well. Instead of Mace picking Cams up and taking her to car circle, now Mace picks Cam up and they walk to the front office and wait in the conference room till Mace sees me pull in and they walk out to the car. I felt so bad for Mason when I heard this because car circle is a social time for her and she enjoyed sitting out with her friends talking till I came. Even though Cams caused problems that Mason was unfortunately left to handle, she liked being outside. Now she is forced to be different AGAIN and wait alone with Camryn. She told me yesterday that Camryn discovered the school phone in the conference room and ran over and was trying to use it until Mason wrangled it out of her hands. Although the office staff is right outside the door, Mason is still basically in charge of Camryn and it makes me so mad. Mace says she wishes she were back outside, but she will do whatever works for Cam. But it's not her problem and I plan on letting the school know that we need to come up with another plan, a plan that would have to be put in place if Camryn didn't have a regular ed sibling at school. If Mason wasn't there, then what? Unfortunatley, kids like Mace, brothers and sisters of special needs kids, often end up taking the role of an adult when they are still little themselves. I realize that in some respect, Mason will never totally be able to escape this responsibility, as this is the hand she has been dealt. And she handles it with such maturity and grace most of the time. But she is a little girl, with her own friends, her own ideas and agendas and I don't want her sisters Autism to overshadow thoses things.
I have a meeting with the school tomorrow, and I will be addressing this situation. But for today, I guess I will wait and see how the gloves thing is working out. Everytime the phone rings, I am sure it is the school calling to let me know the gloves aren't staying on and Cam will be getting fitted for a straight jacket. And if they do I will tell them to wait for me to be there, not so I can hold my daughters hand, but so I can get fitted for one too!

Welcome to our Spooky House

I haven't posted in a while as this month has been crazy! Halloween is Mason's favorite time of year and we always try to make it fun and memorable for her. This year she wanted to throw a Halloween party and had been planning it since last Christmas! Brad  decorated the back yard like a spooky graveyard with lit up skulls and personalized tombstones. He strung caution tape along the fence and swingset and covered the trees in spiderwebs. He even built a "haunted tunnel" out of a black tarp spread over the clothesline and a fog machine. I was in charge of the inside decor, stringing cobwebs and adorning the doorways with tinsel pumpkin garland. I hung cutouts of witches and skeletons, lined the front walkway with mini ghost stakes and played a CD of seriously spooky sounds. It was a total success from the green "swamp juice" punch with floating gummy eyeballs to the pin the eye on the one eyed monster game. Although it was a little less grand than Mason had envisioned in her dreams, she was thrilled with the outcome and I was so happy that we were able to do this for her.
Raising kids with an autistic sibling presents certain problems that a typical family setting does not encounter. And although we try our hardest, I consantly feel guilty that most of what we do on a daily basis revolves around Camryn,which is why we wanted to have this party for Mason because it didn't have anything to do with Camryn or about Camryn or anything Autistic at all. And for children who deal with Autism 24-7, times like this are so, so necessary.
So we had the party, the weekend came to an end and Monday was back to reality, even though we never really left it in the first place.I was so happy to get the kids back in school because although the party turned out so well, the preparation nearly killed us,not because it was so much work, but because it was so much work to do while also taking care of Camryn. We couldn't keep her in her room all day while we set up, so we would let her out to play in the backyard while Brad was putting the tunnel together. But she wasn't out there two seconds and she was pulling skull stakes out of the ground, picking the spiderweb off the trees, just basically undoing everything he had just done. He'd send her inside and it wasn't any better. Same thing, ripping things off the wall, throwing decorations on the floor. Mason was frustrated beyond belief which made her scream at Camryn, who then responded by scratching Mason, who then responded by hitting Camryn, which I then responded by putting them both in their rooms. So then while I'm running around like a maniac trying to get everything done, Camryn is in her room screaming at the top of her lungs, biting herself, yelling out" Get-In-Your-Room-Right-Now-Honey!!!!"Things are coming flying over the gate, first small items like books and stuffed animals, then larger flying missiles like a heavy plastic magna-doodle and at one point a handmade wooden rocking chair, which thank god survived it's collision with the hardwood floor. All this time, I am stringing garland, humming to try and drown it out and laughing to myself at the sick, sick humor of the situation. In the midst of all this, sweet, snot nosed, seal coughing, under the weather Natalie walks past Camryns room to go to the bathroom and Camryn reaches out past her gate and grabs Natalie by the hair, pulling her to the ground. Naturally Nat starts screaming, which sets Cam off even more and she is trying to scratch Natalie, I am yelling at Camryn, trying to soothe Natalie, and listening to Mason wail about how the house is never going to be done in time for her party. I told her people could show up right then and would be scared out of their minds, and it would have nothing to do with the decorations! She did not see the humor. By this time we had about three hours till the party and I was at my wits end of what to do with Camryn. I called my Dad in desperation and begged him to come get Camryn and take her for a ride, which he did. Because Camryn is so unpredictable in public, my family is,shall I say "concerned" with taking her places. And rightly so! I shudder at the thought of taking her within arms reach of other kids and small animals, but I have to. So, instead of putting the locals in harms way, my Dad takes Camryn for long drives, as Camryn is all about the pressure of a taut seatbelt and the lulling vibration of a moving car. She sits up front with my Dad, makes him turn the music up loud, pulls down the visor,opens up the lighted mirror and watches herself open and close her mouth and move her tongue around while my Dad drives. They usually go for about 40 minutes or so and end up at Steak and Shake for a drive thru treat. There is not much conversation, which is no surprise, but the time is treasured by both and is worth it's weight in gold, silver and any other precious jewel or metal to me! While they were gone, I used the time to frost  ghost cupcakes and help Mason make beanbags. It wasn't long,but we all were so thankful for any reprieve of screaming and abuse.
We somehow managed to get everything in place. Mason dressed up like a witch girl, Natalie wore her Halloween shirt and Cams wore Masons zebra bodysuit from last Halloween. She liked it because it was velvety and snug. Although it was black and white striped, Camryn kept saying " I wanna wear the ba-cheetah!"
The guests arrived and there were plenty of people to help amuse Camryn while Mason took the limelight and hosted her party like a pro. The last guests left at 12:30 and by that time we were exhausted. The house we had worked so hard to clean was trashed and the food I took so much time to prepare was scattered around on skull patterned plates.
Because Cam  was up way past her bedtime and so hyped up she had a very hard time going to sleep. While Mason and Nat crashed in their beds, Cam would come to her gate screaming every two minutes, yelling "I need help". Brad or I would lay her back down, and withing minutes we would hear the crinkle of her beanfilled weighted blanket being thrown off her and feet pounding towards the door. Finally after about five tuck-in sessions she went to sleep. I felt so bad because I knew she was off her schedule and routine, but she couldn't communicate that to me in words and I couldn't communicate to her that she needed to stay in bed.
Sunday morning the kids woke up at of course 7:30! Brad and I were dead tired and looked as though we had dressed as zombies the night before and still had our makeup on. Mason was already planning her party for next year, talking non-stop about some changes she would like to make and how to improve on some things! Nat was still recovering from her cold and sat like a soft stone on the couch. And Camryn was Camryn. Grimacing, running like a five legged bull through the house,sticking her finger in the dogs wet nostrils and pinching the poor things back saying "Riley eats meat food. She wants cube-cubes". I just took a look around at the mess and the chaos and thought to myself, "I can't believe we thought we needed to decorate to make this place look scary!"

Can you say "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!"

So, last week Cams and I drove south and this week we drove north in our ever-continuing search of specialized treamtent. This time it was an appointment with a pediatric dentist for children with special needs. Our lovely insurance company (smooch smooch guys) gave me a wide array of two dentists to pick from. One way out in Timbuktu and one even more way out in Timbuktu. I chose the latter, not because of my love for driving, but for the fact that they provided sedation if necessary and I felt positive that sedation would be necessary for Cams and possibly for me as well.
So, 7:30 a.m. we got in the old Suburban and headed up to New Port Richey, a city about an hour north of St. Pete. We had an 8:30 appt and leaving only an hour for travel during morning rush hour was risky, but I am known for having a slightly heavy foot and just as I had hoped, we rolled in the parking lot at 8:35. The office was totally set up for kids, with four plexi-glass encased televisions equipped with Nintendo handsets and a wall lined with colorful childrens books to amuse the nervously waiting kids. And it did, as there were several of them furiously pushing buttons and jerking joysticks, and a few stretched out on beanbags thumbing through kids magazines, which of course meant Camryn and I would be sitting on the other not so fun end of the office next to the bathrooms and water fountain, clear of any child not old enough or big enough to physically defend themselves against Cambo (as I affectionately refer to her in these times). Now anybody who has ever been to a medical/dental appointment of any kind knows that the appointment time is never, ever the time you will actually be seen and that to get a  more accurate idea of your actual meeting with the doctor you should tack on at least a good thirty minutes in the waiting room ,then an additional ten minutes of waiting in the exam room. I knew this and figured Cams and I would be sitting by that water fountain for quite a while. I did not however foresee issues with the insurance company that I had just spoken with days earlier to confirm this very appointment, yet there they were...insurance issues. And because it was 8:45 and the insurance company did not open until 9:00 I would have to self pay or reschedule. Reschedule? Ummmmm, no, that will not be happening. Unlike my drive down south on open highway, this drive was mostly on U.S. 19 which if you live locally then you know it as the road from hell, plus I had to keep Camryn out of school for the whole day for this appointment, so there is no way I was going to do this again anytime soon. I self paid, got a receipt which I will be submitting for reimbursement and then took Cams back to get her "sedation". Now, when I think of sedation, I think of sedated as in not moving, as in asleep with an I.V. in your arm. Camryn has never been able to be examined by a dentist EVER because she will not let you in to see those chompers of hers unless you plan on leaving them in there permanently, like bitten off permanently. Brad and I have struggled her entire enameled life to get in there and give her teeth some sort of chance of survival, but if the girl doesn't want you in her mouth, then you're not getting in her mouth...end of story. With Mason and Natalie, brushing morning and night has always been the routine. But with Cam, I am gonna be honest here and say that there have been days that her teeth didn't see a bristle of any means and I just prayed that crunchy raw carrots or super crisp apples would be on the school lunch menu to pick up the slack and slough off some tartar. I have taken her to two "regular" dentists whom I forewarned about Camryn before setting the appointment and it was always the same response.."Oh you never know, we may be able to do the exam" and I just thought, "Oh no, I know, but whatever you say...". Cams insurance requires she be seen by a regular dentist who must then try to do a regular exam until they come to the conclusion that Camryn's mother was right when she said that  a regular exam was not going to happen at which point a referral to a pediatric dentist with an option of sedation would be written and all staff involved in the attempted regular exam would then take a five minute break to wipe the sweat off their brows and redo their hair. I told you so.
 So, here we were at the sedation dentistry office finally and the hygienist walks over with a paper cup that she is stirring some sort of mixture in. I secretly hoped it was a cocktail for me, but of course it wasn't. "Here Camryn, here is some cake icing! Do you like cake icing? Yummy!" She then explained to me that this was no ordinary cake icing, but cake icing with crushed up Valium mixed in! I'm not sure this is what Betty Crocker had in mind, but Betty, you really should have. What a fabulous concoction! Unfortunately, I would be having none of it, but Ms Cams, she would be having several spoonfulls before she took a little nappy-nap. I've never had a dentist appointment like this! The hygienist said that we had to wait an hour for the Valium to take full effect, so in the meantime we would wait in the "Sedation Room", a darkened exam room with a leather couch, a blanket and a Disney movie. And coffee, please say coffee...but she didn't. She said that Camryn would get sleepy and could go to sleep if she wanted, most kids do. Okay, but Cams is not most kids and I immediately thought back to the time she got an ABR test for hearing when she was a year and a half. The nurse administered a liquid that was supposed to make Camryn go to sleep for an hour. But forty-five minutes and an extra dose later, the nurse was in shock that Cams was still awake and we had to do the test with me holding her still. So when this girl told me most kids went to sleep, I knew Cams and the sandman would not be hanging out that morning. It was 9:08 at this time and we would stay in the room until 10:08. It was so dark and the air was so cold and the blanket was so warm and fuzzy and the couch was so comfy. My eyes started to droop and I wondered how I would ever stay awake after getting up with the sun to drive all the way up here and then just sit here with my drugged up daughter who was showing no signs of getting sleepy at all. I managed to stay conscious till 10:08 and of course so did Cams. Just as I thought. The hygienist came to get us and we walked back to the exam room. Cams crawled up into the big chair and then shoved white tiger in the hygienists face and demanded that she smell him and then smell him again and then again. After she had sniffed him up and down, she gave the tiger back to Cam and put the big heavy lead apron over Cams body so she could take X-rays. Perfect! Cams loves "weighted" things, such as blankets and vests. They are often used in therapy and at bedtime, as the pressure of the extra weight makes kids like Cam feel good. Every night when I tuck Camryn in, I cover her with a sheet, a comforter and then top her off with a three pound weighted patchwork quilt. So, beneath the pressure of the lead apron, Cams was laying reasonably still. I was given the job of pressing the X-ray button just outside the exam room when I got the okay from the hygienist, who was going to be trying her darndest to hold Cams head still long enough to get a picture. Even with a Valium circulating through her system, Cams was wide awake and very mobile. I doubted I would be pushing any buttons that day and was completely caught off guard when I heard "Okay Mom, push the button". The hygienist had gotten Cam to hold still long enough to get an X-ray! "Okay Camryn, bite down on this again." Ohhhhh I thought to myself, that's how this is going so well, Camryn is being told to bite!
We were able to get three X-rays total. Not as many as we needed but three more than we thought we'd get. So far so good. Then it came time for the cleaning. The hygienist took off the lead apron and started to hang it back up. I didn't want to tell her how to do her job, but was sure she wouldn't be against me trying to make it a little easier so I chimed in "You may want to leave that on her. The weight of it is helping her stay still." Without a seconds hesitation she draped it over Cams body again.
 Then came  the part I had been dreading. The part where my daughters underbrushed,rarely flossed,never fluoridated teeth would be on display for dental professionals to view in awe and disgust. The part where disapproving glances would surely be cast my way, heads shaking in disbelief that a parent would neglect their childs dental health in such a way. I wanted to shout out " But you don't understand!!! She doesn't let us get in there. And she's so strong! She kicks and bites and pushes us away! Please! Listen to me, you have to believe me!" As the hygienist looked my way and opened her mouth to speak, I scrunched up in my chair and braced myself for the worst. Okay, bring it on, lay it on me,scold me, lecture me, belittle me. "Well, her teeth look great!"
Her teeth look great? Look great???? HER TEETH LOOK GREAT??????
"You have GOT to be kidding me!" She shook her head. "No, they look good! It may be a battle, but you're winning it." Winning it? We hardly even get the chance to fight it! I was in complete shock! There was my daughter, laying in a dental chair, having her rarely really brushed good teeth examined for the first time in seven years, valium swimming through her veins and the hygienist is telling me all looks good? Did I take some acid this morning and forget about it? This was just too freakin' weird!
The hygienist looked at me and said "Let me ask you something....is she Down's?" I could not believe she just asked me this because you may remember from my previous post that Brad and I have suspected Camryn could have a mild form of Down Syndrome and are having her tested. "Why do you ask that? Does she look Down's to you?" The hygienist explained that children with Down Syndrome rarely get cavities due to the excess of saliva they produce and possibly something in the acidic make-up of their saliva as well. She thought Camryn had a mild look and was wondering if that was why, in spite of our inability to clean her teeth well, her oral health was good. I told her how we were getting her tested and how funny that was that she would have asked that. I also told her that Down's or not, Camryn definitely had an excess of saliva, which I'm sure has something to with the hypotonia, or low tone, of her mouth. Whatever the reason, praise Jesus!!! I really was not looking forward to driving all the way back up here for another cup of icing and a mouth full of metal. Still in shock, I thanked the hygienist and the dentist who had also made his way into the exam. I was given instructions to watch Cams the rest of the day, as the Valium would still be in her system for several hours. No running, no stair climbing and no riding a bike. Okay, no problem, especially seeing as Cams doesn't ride a bike on non-Valium days either! I scheduled her a for a six month checkup before we left and then Cams and I climbed in the car. No cavities, nooooo cavities! I just couldn't believe the girl known to suck on three balls of sugar on a stick ( or Tootsie-pops as they are more formally known) at one time had just been given a clean bill of oral health by the dentist! Will wonders never cease?
The rest of the day, Cams was Cams. I don't know where that Valium went or what it was supposed to be doing, but it certainly wasn't affecting Miss Camryn. Of course, everyone we know was awating word of how bad the news was. How many cavities, root canals, etc. And of course they were as shocked as I was to hear the reults.
I would love to end this entry on a positive note, however I feel it would not be complete without the following information. The same week I took Camryn to the dentist, I also took Natalie for her first dental exam. Natalie, four year old, I brush my teeth twice a day, Natalie. I sat in the waiting room as the hygienist took her back without a care in the world. I even read the paper and a gossip magazine to pass the time. When the dentist peeked out  and called me back to let me know how it went, I yawned as I walked through the door. "Okay so how did it go?" I asked, ready to schedule her next check up and get on with my day.
 The dentist opened up Nat's chart and pointed to a print-out of her mouth. "Well, unfortunately Natalie is going to need some fillings. She has five cavities." I swallowed hard, put my eyes back in my head and thought to myself  "Okay wow, I am going to need some icing!"

The Road to Recovery...Well, Not Really

Last Monday I drove two hours down to Fort Myers for Camryn's annual neurology appointment. Living in Port Charlotte since Cam was diagnosed, we picked a neurologist closer to our home than All Childrens and I have to say that I LOVE this woman! Dr. Morales has been seeing Cam for the past three years and she has been such a wonderful doctor.BUT, although I adore her, I do not want to have to drive two hours south everytime we need to get a refill or re-evaluation, so we will definitely be finding a doctor in St. Pete. But we needed to be seen so that Camryn's medicine could be refilled, and believe me we and all of Cams classmates want her medicine refilled, so Cams and I headed south early Monday morning. I always approach these appointments with mixed emotions. I am hopeful that the Dr. will say there is a new drug on the market that will take away all of Camryns issues and I am also scared to death to say that she will say there is nothing more they can do.
Driving that far gives me a lot of time to think. Even though Camryn is with me, the car is silent, as Camryn rarely talks in the car if it is just us. I love long drives for this very reason, for as a mom, extended periods of silence are few and far between. The ride down, I went over all the things I wanted to discuss, mainly the fact that despite being on a medication prescribed solely to curb aggressive behavior in Autistic children, Camryn continues to be aggressive at school and home. Four out of five days we get a note home from her teacher saying she has scratched her classmates and made them bleed and could we please cut her nails. Ummmm, I cut her nails ALL the time, but as you can imagine, if a sixty seven pound seven year old does not want her nails cut, and Brad isn't home to hold her down, then chances are it's not going to be the smoothest of manicures. Every day there are stories from Mason of Camryn grabbing kids next to her at car circle or pinching the patrol helping her to the car. And then of course there are the multiple incidents at home where Natalie is most often the target. And Riley, we cannot forget poor, poor Ry-Ry. I know that dog thinks to herself "Rescued my a**! I would have been better off at the shelter!" But don't worry, she gets LOTS of treats and belly rubs to make up for it!
So, of course, my main reason for this visit is to see if in the last year some miracle drug has come out on the market with promises of taking away all aggressive behaviors. Oh please!!! We walk into the office and as always I am immediately reminded that our problems are so little compared to what could be. A pediatric neurology office will always will do that. The Dr. calls us back and we head to the scale. Dr. Morales does not have a nurse. She does everything herself, weigh in, height, blood pressure,etc. And because Camryn is on medication that alters her blood pressure, it is extremely important that her weight and vitals are precise so that the correct dosage can be prescribed. I know this, and the Dr. knows this, but Cams? All she knows is she does not like to get up on the scale without holding on. She has major balance issues and even though it is just a few inches off the floor, doesn't matter, she doesn't like it.To get her exact weight, she must stand on the scale with her hands to her side for at least five seconds, which may have well been five hours becasue the girl was not going to do it! The Dr. is very understanding of kids like Cam, but she is also very stern and expects no less from them than a "typical" kid, so she was instructing Camryn over and over to put her hands to her side. Meanwhile Cams was trying to hold on for dear life, whining and looking very confused. "She doesn't like to be up on anything without holding on" I kept telling the Dr. " I know, but she needs to do this. Now Camryn put your arms down." Who would think weighing your kid could be such an ordeal? Several, and I mean several minutes later, the doctor took her best read and then we moved on to height. Ugggh! Again, Camryn didn't understand and she does not like to be touched on her head, so trying to get her to stand directly up against the wall with the measuring instrument flat against her scalp was not an easy task,but we did it. Height and weight on the chart, next was blood pressure. This is the most important of all the stats for her medication and to get an accurate number Camryn must sit COMPLETELY still for a whole minute! HA! And get this, to get her blood pressure taken, the Dr. sat her in a swivel chair! A swivel chair! What?? Well, if you know Cams or any Autistic child for that matter then you know how they adore a good spin! So of course Camryn immediately put her feet to the floor and pushed off for a whirl around the office. Dr. Morales was saying "Camryn, stay still!" and although I tried to keep quiet, I finally just said "Well, a swivel chair probably wasn't the best thing to put her in if you want her to stay still." The doctor gave me a  high five and laughed at her poor choice of seating. Finally, I was able to distract Camryn long enough to get a good blood pressure reading. It was fine, mine however was through the roof I'm sure. Whew! Vitals are done, moving on to the exam room.
For some reason, Cams loves a good exam table with a crisp sheet of white paper draped over it. She climps up on them like she's mounting a horse and then lays down and says "Take your temperature sweetie". The paper gets torn to shreds in the process, but Cam is in one place, so who cares?
The doctor sits down with me and I tell her my frustrations with Cams aggressions. I tell her how I don't think the medicine is working and that if it is, I can't imagine how aggressive she would be if she weren't on it. I tell her how we get notes home all the time. I start to cry, as I usually do at these appointments and I tell her how I can't go anywhere with Camryn where there will be other kids because I am so fearful she will hurt someone and that she scratches and pinches her sisters to pieces and that it breaks my heart. Dr. Morales is so kind and she took my hand and said "I know honey". "I can handle her not talking normal. I can handle her throwing fits. I can handle that she will live with us for the rest of her life. But I cannot handle not being able to go places that other moms go without a care."
The doctor looked at me with sad eyes and told me that unfortunately the aggression would get worse as she got closer to puberty and that we needed to find a medication that curbed it before it got to that point. She also told me medicine was just part of the solution, that Camryn should be receiving at least 20 hours of ABA therapy a week to really get her behavior in check. Wow. ABA is an intense one on one therapy that is supposedly very successful with Autistic children. It is also very expensive and usually not covered by insurance. I have known about it for years, but because of the expense and the intensity of it, I have never gone that route. I asked her about diet and metronome therapy, both of which she didn't seem to think would work with Cam. I value her opinion,but as far as trying the the diet and metronome therapy, I'm still going to try them. I have heard too many positive things not to.
After discussing her medication, it was time for the physical exam. Keep in mind that Camryn does not like to be touched. Brad and I have noticed Camryns right shoulder protruding more than the left. I asked the doctor to take a look and as she went to lift Cams shirt, Cam pinched her. Wrong thing to do. The doctor, who is of a bigger build, looked Camryn straight in the eye and said "No Camryn! No pinching! Unacceptable!!" Camryn's lip curled up and I thought I would die. She knew she had done something wrong, but the doctor was lightly touching her bare skin and she didn't like it and because she can't say "Hey doc, would you mind not doing that?" she did the next best thing and pinched her.
The doctor proceeded to take off Cams shirt and Cam pinched her again. Why oh why Cam? "No pinching Camryn!!If you pinch me again I am going to pinch you back!" Again Cams lip curled up and her eyes were wide as saucers. One last time Dr Morales tried to lift Cams shirt and well, she pinched her again. This time, the doctor said "That's it! You are in time out for five minutes!" and took Cam by the hand, led her to the corner, put her nose towards the wall and stood back to back with Cam. The room was silent and very awkward. It broke my heart to see my little girl be reprimanded so harshly by someone else, but I also knew that Camryn knew better and that she could not behave like that. When the doctor let her out of the corner, Camryn walked over to her and as if in slow motion leaned forward and kissed the doctors nose. It was so stinkin' cute! Dr Morales looked at me and said "Does this kid know how to work it or what?"
She finally got to look at Cams back and agreed that there could be an issue. She ordered a spinal study to determine if there was curvature. We then talked about how Camryn has always had a "look" about her, ever since she was a baby and that in several of her pictures she almost looks as if she had Down's syndrome. It is something that Brad and I have discussed several times, but I never said anything about to ther doctors. But today I thought I would put it all out there, so I asked the Dr. if it was possible that Camryn could have what is called "Mosaic Down Syndrome", which is a very mild form of Down's. I had heard about it years ago and kept it in the back of my mind. She nodded and said that she had always thought Camryn had a "look" about her as well and that even though Cam had been through genetic testing when she was a toddler that they now have better, more precise testing that can detect things the old tests couldnt. She wrote out a script for a test I cannot prounounce let alone spell, with a warning that insurance was probably not going to want to pay for it without a fight. Efff-ing insurance!!
And then, the last thing on the agenda, was my question of all questions.....What do we do when it comes time for menstruation. I apologize if this is too much info. but you know I like to keep it real.  I worry about it all the time because if you think changing a seven year old's poopy pullup is bad, well.....yeah.
The doctor told me that they put kids like Camryn on the birth control pill when that happens, which is what I figured. Another medicine! I hate that! Hopefully we still have a while before that happens....please God!!
We finished up the appointment and left with four scripts...one for a new medication for aggression, one for a spinal study, one for genetic testing and one for ABA. I really should have asked for one for Valium...for me!
Cams and I climbed into the car and started our journey back home. Again, the ride would be quiet which again, gave me plenty of time to think. Driving down I cherished the silence and chance to run through all the things the doctor might say. "There is a new drug out that takes away all aggressive behaviors! There is also a new drug out that will make her be able to have a normal conversation! And there is a new drug that will take away her Autism!"
But the doctor didn't say any of those things. And who knows what I would do if she did. I looked back at Cams, sitting in her seat, deep blue eyes staring out the window and I thought about how much I loved her. I merged onto 75 and turned on radio. Sometimes silence is over-rated.

Both Ends of the Candle

Every day I get on this computer and write about raising an Autistic child. The in's and out, trials and triumphs. I do it to vent, I do it to educate and I do it because I love to write. But I am not only a mother to an Autistic child, but to two other neuro-typical children as well, or without being politically correct, normal kids and co-exisiting in these two worlds can sometimes be a real challenge
Anytime there is more than one child in a household there are bound to be times when one feels neglected or jealous,it's normal. But when children grow up with a sibling of special needs, the scales are almost always tipped unintentionally in favor of the child who needs more help.
Mason was an only child for almost two years. The first and only grandchild on my side of the family, she was perched high above the rest of the world on a golden pedastal. She was beautiful, intelligent, and totally gifted, I mean come on, aren't all firstborns? To ask my parents there had never been a smarter, sweeter more adorable baby born, ever! And of course she had Brad and I wrapped so tight around that pinky I'm surprised it didn't cut off circulation. For two years, the world revolved around her.But of course she remembers none of it.Why is it that when we are the cutest and most adored in our lives we are unable to have any recollection of it?
When Cams was born, of course the attention shifted to the new baby, but Mason rolled right along with it, never showing any resentment or jealousy toward her sister.
As time went on and it became evident that Camryn had some issues, more and more of my time was taken up with doctors visits and therapy appointments. Mason never suffered believe me, my family was more than happy to watch her, but a pattern started that continues to this day and it makes me feel so guilty.
Because of Camryns Autism, many of the activities that toddlers enjoy were not on Cam's to-do list. She didn't sit through movies, didn't play nicely with others and for a long while, going out to eat with her just didn't happen. However Mason was a typical little girl who begged to see every animated film advertised and loved to run free at the playground. Because of Brads work schedule, I was often alone with the two kids all day. I had Mason attending Pre-K twice a week when she was 2 and then five days at 3 and up, but still she got bored at home with a sister who didn't interact with her as she wanted. My family and Anna, who lived very close by at the time, was so good about helping with Mason. They would take her to the movies, to the circus, out to eat, to festivals and I would stay home with Camryn. I was so happy that she was able to experience those things and spend time with the people who loved her so much, but I was also very jealous of them for getting to share those times with my daughter when it should be me. Mason will be ten years old this February and I have been to the movies with her maybe five times, five times! She has seen every movie that has come to the big screen for kids, but that was courtesy of my brother. He is very good about spending time with the kids and going to the movies is their thing. He even takes Nat along too, which again, I so appreciate, but still feel sad that I am not there. Chuck E.Cheese, every kid goes there right? It's like the law or something, if you're a kid you have to go to Chuck E. Cheese at least once. Mason and Nat have been there a bazillion times. I have been with them once. Camryn doesn't do Chuck E Cheese. Before we moved  back to St. Pete, my mom would take Mace to the Santa Clause parade downtown every year. I have been twice. Another thing Cams doesn't do is parades. I am not trying to sound like a whiner though I probably am, just a kind of "venting" session to say that I feel guilty about not being there with my other two girls for experiences that I feel a mom should share in. I am so thankful and know how blessed I am to have such an involved family and that is something I have always acknowledged. But Mason has told me on more than one occasion she wished I could come to these things.
I plan special days with her. We go out shopping for something she likes or get a bite to eat. The times are few and far between but I always try and let her know how much they mean to me and how much I enjoy her company. She has grown into such a responsible, young lady and a very cool kid. Having Cams for her sister has presented so many challenges in her life, but has also given her a perspective of the world I just don't think she would have had she not been forced to look through the eyes of a sister of the spectrum. She is extremely caring, generous and very emapthetic to her peers. She is non-judgemental and openminded and has an amazing sense of humor. She has become Camryn's protector at school, looking out for her and keeping her amused and out of trouble at car circle. It's a huge responsibility and I have told her more than once that she does not have to watch Cams at school, there are teachers for that. But she wants to do it. "No Mom, I can handle it" she said. And she can, I watch her from the car line and she is keeping a close eye on her sister, doing whatever she needs to do to keep her occupied and happy. There have been several incidences already where Cams has "assaulted" a child sitting near her and Mason takes the appropriate action, whether it be scolding Cams or taking something away from her. The principal has told me on more than one occasion that Mason is an amazing girl and a wonderful big sister. It makes me so incredibly proud of her.
I know that having Cam for a sister cannot be easy. The screaming is sometimes so loud you'd swear your ears were bleeding. The constant scratching and hairpulling. Cleaning your room only to have hurricane Cams come through. Having to decline invitations to certain events or leaving early because it's not working for Camryn. It's rough and my heart breaks for Mace and Nat every time I see them fall on the sword for their sister.But I know in my heart that two incredible women are being molded and shaped by the very sister who often brings them to tears. I cannot wait to see what strong, good hearted people they will grow into and how they will change the world.