I kind of got sidetracked with the Busch Gardens trip,but I really do want to go back in time to the beginning of this Autistic journey, so hopefully I will be able to stay on track this time. I left off with me working in the special needs Pre-K. After 3 years at this job, although I loved it, I needed to make more money so I went to work for the Healthy Families program as a Family Support Worker. My job was to be a support and resource for families who were expecting or had just had a baby. I would make weekly homevisists, at which time I would talk with the mom about her baby's development, bring out literature on infant care and get the families in contact with any local resource they may be in need of. I also took mothers to doctors appoinments, the WIC office, health department, etc. Basically, whatever these families needed as far as their pregnancy and children were concerned, they called me and I helped them. It was a great job, very rewarding, and I learned a lot! And at the time, it never really crossed my mind that although I had the social skills, the educational requirements and all the "training" necessary, I was in no way, shape or form qualified for that position. I was 22 years old, renting an apartment with one of my good friends, going out every weekend. My biggest worry at the time was that my hairdryer would burn out on Friday night. I had never been married, never been without food, or medical care or transportation and ummmm, oh yeah, never had a child! And here I was in all my early twenties cuteness, pulling up in these peoples driveways in my shiny Corolla, a canvas bag full of papers on how to breastfeed, the best way to discipline and what foods are best for your pregnant body slung over my shoulder! I can totally laugh at it now, but I also look back and really want to slap myself! And not just myself, but the numbskull who hired me! He was the nicest person with good intentions ( are you shocked that it was a man?) but hello?? A twentysomething, size 7, stretchmark free, blond haired, blue eyed, no cares in the world girl as a "counselor" for women who were either really, really pregnant or had just given birth, with floppy bellies and empty cupboards? If I was them and I showed up at my door I would cuss myself out! But back then, I never thought about it and thankfully none of the women ever showed any animoscity towards me. They sat patiently while I went over what they should be eating to provide the best nutrients for their unborn baby. They nodded their heads in agreement when I stressed over and over how important it was that they got their child immunized. They trusted my answers to their questions of was it normal to feel frustrated and helpless with a newborn who wouldn't stop crying. And they counted on me to give them accurate opinions on their childs development and if I thought they were meeting their milestones as they should. They believed that because I wore a badge and had a printer that I knew what they were going through, that I could relate to how they were feeling and that I had been in their shoes,when in fact, I wouldn't have been caught dead in them.
After I had Mason it really hit me that I should have never been sent to those womens homes. And after I had Camryn, it made me feel even worse because, my God, I had no clue what it was like to have a child, let alone a child who isn't growing as they should be, and certainly not while worrying about how I would pay my electric bill or who would take me to my babys checkup. And the irony of it all! I used to preach to women the importance of immunizations,follow that shot schedule! Then years later wonder if immunizations had made my baby different. How laughable it was that I would help set up behavior plans for these women to follow with their kids and then pull out my hair and lock myself in the bathroom while my own darlings temper tantrummed themselves into a coma outside the door.
I just find it so amazingly coincidental, so cruely ironic and so strangely amusing that my fate would turn out not much different than these womens, regardless of our economic or social differences. I knew what to do, where to go, what to eat, when to push, how to nurse, when to immunize, what to look for. I had a badge for God's sake! And yet, there I was, a new mother with a floppy belly and a screaming baby that wasn't meeting her milestones, feeling so helpless and frustatrated. My size 7 jeans pushed to the back of the closet and my shiny car replaced by a dull grey minivan, my worries so much greater than that.
I really felt for those women and I hoped so much that they knew although I didn't know what I was doing, I did care about them and their babies. And whether or not I could relate to their stories of all night screaming or ill behaved children, I really was listening. I hope I was able to bring them some sort of kinship at a time in their life when they felt so alone.
Turns out though, that my employment with Healthy Families was not a total staffing error. Because of my previous job in the Pre-k and largely because of what I learned in my time as a Family Support Worker, I was much more vigilant and knowledgeable when it came to my own childrens development. With Mason, there were no worries, but with Camryn the flags were a flyin' and I saw them because I was trained to. And when my fears were confirmed, I knew there were places to go, people who could help me, because I had pointed others in their direction years before. Life is so funny and so unpredictable and ever a learning experience. You just never know where it will take you, who it will make you or how it will change tomorrow.
And so my journey began. Now that I knew that yes, something wasn't as it should be, I needed to find out why. And "why" can be an elusive little bugger. I would start with my pediatrician, a trusted family friend in hopes that he could shine a little light on my daughters abnormal behaviors. But in 2003, Autism was merely a word at the beginning of the medical dictionary and the end of every doctors list of what could be wrong. The diagnosis would not come easy or quick. There would be appoinments and referrals and specialists and test after test after test. Are her eyes okay, is she hearing alright, does her brain have a tumor, are her chromosomes all in tact? These are the questions we had to answer before we could determine why she wasn't babbling at 6 months or why she arched her back when I tried to hold her close. The process was exhausting and heartbreaking and I don't know if I could have gotten through it without the amazing love and support of my best friend Anna (I love you girl!!!) She was, in fact, the first to notice that at four months old, her second born God- daughter wasn't holding her head up as she should. A busy young mom, trying to juggle a toddler and an infant, I noticed her neck strength wasn't going to win any awards, but I just chalked it up to her big, bobbly infant head and still being so young. Though I didn't know it, Anna was concerned and took her worries to a friend of hers who was an Occupational Therapist. The OT confirmed that Camryn should definitely be holding her head up and that she may have a condition called Torticollis, which could easily be corrected with Physical Therapy. Anna stopped by the next day and told me she wanted to tell me something. She then started to tear up, as she loves me girls as if they were her own and the thought that something could be wrong with Camryn upset her. She told me what she had learned and I was shocked! I looked at my baby and sure enough, her wobbly head was resting on her left shoulder,as it usually was. Thank God for Anna! I called the pediatrician, brought Cams in and walked out with a diagnosis of Torticollis and a script for PT. I was heartbroken that something was wrong with my child, but so thankful that it could be fixed. Little did I know, a tight sternocleidomastoid muscle was to be the least of my childs problems. I really just had no idea...
NOTE: I want to make it clear that I think the Healthy Families program is a wonderful resource for new parents. The program provides amazing support to families and is a blessing to those it serves. My only flaw with the program was that at the time I was hired it was not a requirement that you have a child to work there and it is my own personal opinion that anybody giving advice and support to a new mother should be a parent themselves, as it is virtually impossible to understand their feelings if you have never been in their shoes.
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