Is This For Real?

I try to stay positive, you all know I do, but mornings like this one really leave me struggling to see the good in our situation. Last night was another rough one, with Cam's getting up twice, each time with a soaking wet pull up. She was screaming so loudly, even after I had taken her out of her room and changed her pullup. Not wanting to wake the rest of the house any more than we already had, I took her into the kitchen hoping the sight of the dog might quiet her. She was distracted by Riley only for a moment and then continued with ther ear piercing wails. Mason yelled from her bedroom," Be quiet Camryn!!!! I wish you could just move out!!!! I don't deserve this!!!!" 
I felt horrible because she is so right! No child deserves to grow up in this chaos. But then again, no child deserves to grow up in an abusive home, a shelter, a war torn country, a hospital ward, etc. This is what we have been given and compared to some other situations, it's a piece of cake, a really stale, dry piece of cake.  But when you're nine and it's two in the morning and your sister is screaming through the house, the self control to stay calm and tell yourself she is not doing it to be hateful just isn't there. I understand her frustration but I also have to let her know there is a different way to handle it. I had about a two second talk with her and she was back to sleep.
Cams finally went back down for good the second time and slept till six forty-five.
All was okay for about the first ten minutes, but then she started to get whiny and agitated. She was all dressed for school, looking so cute in her pleated skirt and zebra knee highs. But she wasn't acting cute so I put her in her room to look at books while I got the other two girls ready and not two minutes passed when I heard the dreaded phrase "I need the wipes honey". Oh sh**,literally!! Again she shouted out "I need wipes honey!" Everyone in this house knows that if Cams says she needs wipes it means she crapped in her pants.
She does this now alot and I don't know why! She knows how to tell me she needs to go poop, but does she tell me? Not when she's in her room. I guess she figures if I have the nerve to put her in her room she'll show me and sh** her pants. Uuuuggghhhh!!! Why?????????????????
I take her out of her room and start the stripping down process. First I take a peek in her panties to see what consistency we are dealing with. Mush, complete and total mushy, squishy poo just sitting there ready to ooze out the sides any second. And now it's my job to figure out how I am going to get these packed panties off Cams without creating a total mess. By the way, at this time there is about five minutes left before they need to leave for school. Brad is helping the other two while I take Camryn into the hallway and map out a plan in my head. First, shoes and knee highs off. Then skirt. Taking her shirt off will make her think she is getting in the bath and we have no time for that. I try to fold it up around her midsection in the hopes it will remain completely white. I have her down to her panties and they are sagging big time. She is very agitated and keeps trying to rip them off, which is exactly what I am trying despertately to prevent her from doing as taking them off in a rush would surely fling wet poo all over the house. Oh the glamor of my life!
She keeps pushing my hands away from her as I am trying to slip the panties off as carefully as possible. Somehow I managed to get them down with only minor smearage on her legs. I know, it's so gross! Brad and the kids are holding their breath trying not to inhale the stench and I am trying to kep her from stepping in the mess which is now on the floor on a plastic bag. She is wriggling and fussing the whole time I am trying to wipe her. I get her clean and get her dressed, AGAIN. Brad is ready to take them to school but Cams hair looks like rats have taken up residency in it so I decide to twist it into loose braids. Well, one of Cams sensory issues is that she does NOT like to have her hair brushed at all! It's an issue every morning, some worse than others and today was going to be one of the worse ones. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can but she is screaming and thrashing her head around. I am trying to remain calm and sing her a song about Uma going to the barbershop (it's a  character from Oobi, her favorite show). Now mind you, while all this was happening this morning, my right wrist is in a brace. Turns out it wasn't fractured, but tendonitis, which let me just say is equally painful. I removed the brace for the blowout, for obvious reasons, but put it back on before I did her hair. Btu does Cams know why I have that thing on my wrist or does she care? Nope! She is whacking my hand and wrist tryng to get me to stop and finally I just say "I give up!" Brad takes Camryn and scolds her for hurting me. I manage to get her hair into something that resembles braids and send her out the door. She is still whining and screaming as she gets in Brads truck, but at least the wails will get fainter and fainter as he drives away. I could not wait for them to leave! Horrible I know, but true! Nat is the only one left in the house and I give her a big hug and kiss and let her know I love her. She says she loves me too. That girl is such a blessing to this family. She is a sister for Mason the way a sister should be and she is a little girl for us the way a little girl is imagined. I love Camryn with all my heart, issues and all, but to look at my youngest daughter and see her playing with dolls and drawing rainbows and flowers brings my heart so much joy. Joy that is often shadowed and marred by the ugliness of Autism.
So all my girls are at school now and I can finally breathe. The house is completely silent except for the tapping of my computer keys. In three hours I will pick up Nat and then an hour after that Mace and Cam. Yesterday Camryn bit my arm and screamed all the way to the car so I'm guessing today won't be much different. I'll try to listen to Mason's day as we drive home while Camryn pinches my arm and screams in the front seat. This is my life and even though I don't understand why, I know there is a reason and I have to keep going.I have to believe that someday I will look around and say "Aha, so that's why!" and then all of the chaos and heartbreak and struggles will make sense. Until then I will continue to clean up blowouts, dodge flying hands and plug my ears up with cotton. It's not pretty but somebody's gotta do and for whatever the reason may be, that somebody is me.

You Are What You Eat....We'll See

Well, I caught one....a dream that is. Just one but thank God because I really wasn't sure how I was going to keep going if I didn't sleep for at least four consecutive hours. Cams slept from eleven to six thirty Monday night and it was fabulous! I felt like a new woman Tuesday morning! Tuesday evening however she was back to her old shenanigans and last night too, so not really sure when my eyelids will have that much downtime again. It's so frustrating because I have no idea what was different about Monday night than the other nights. She didn't eat anything different, do anything different, it was just a typical day. I keep looking back to see if I can pinpoint any little thing that may have been the reason she slept so well, but so far, I got nothin'!
But anyway, I really wanted to talk about something else. Last Friday Brad and I attended the National Autism Conference at the Tradewinds Resort on St. Pete Beach. The conference was from Thursday to Sunday with various speakers scheduled each day. There were several presenters on the agenda including Dr. Bradstreet, a nationally recognized DAN! doctor. For those of you who aren't familiar with DAN! I'll explain. It stands for Defeat Autism Now and is based on the belief that biomedical medical intervention is the route to take when treating Autism. The belief is that by following a certain diet, adding various supplements and spending time in a hyperbaric chamber many of the "symptoms" of Autism can be greatly alleviated.
I have heard about DAN! for years, but have never looked into as an option for us, number one because of the expense and number two because is seemed incredibly involved. And it is.
Being a parent, as we all know, is a 24-7 deal. There's never any time off, or end of the work day. We are constantly on and between doing the laundry, helping with homework, grocery shopping, housecleaning, picking up, dropping off, bathing, feeding, etc. you are lucky if you yourself have a shower and a meal. If my kids eat a dinner that I didn't pick up at at a drive thru and are in bed by eight o'clock, then I consider it a highly successful day. So when I first looked into the DAN! protocol and saw that diet played a huge part in the treatment I immediately thought "No way!" We have been down the diet road before, back when Cams was about three. I was still a mother of just two and a relatively new resident of Autismville. I was desperate for a way to "fix" my daughter and after doing much research online decided I would try the GFCF diet. Gluten free Casein free is a diet that basically removes anything that tastes good or is easy to find  on the basis that the reason some Autistic kids have Autistic behaviors and tendencies is because they have an allergy to gluten and casein, which in case you didn't know is contained in just about everything! I was seriously motivated and immediately ordered the GFCF diet and all it's accessories, ecstatic that I had found a way to cure Camryn.
About seven days later when the book arrived and I started reading down the list of foods Camryn could no longer eat I wondered what in the hell I was thinking! I knew that bread was going to be a no-no, but virutally everything on the "bad" list could have been found in my pantry and refrigerator at that very minute. I was overwhelmed to say the least, but still hellbound to fix Cams, so I threw out the bread and milk and cheese and cereal and yogurt and chicken nuggets and crackers and pasta and pretty much everything else in our house and replaced it with Boars Head lunch meat, Quinoa "pasta", a very dense and expensive loaf of something called bread, but it wasn't and many other strange supposedly edibles that I had never heard of. If we went out to eat it was always " Hamburger, plain with steamed broccoli, no butter" and Cams ate it, because unlike a lot of other kids on the spectrum, Cams will eat just about anything. It was a very intense intervention because until you remove everyday food from your diet you don't realize how much a part of your existence it is. And as a mom of two kids under six with a husband who worked insane hours, I relied very heavily on things that were convenient. Happy meals?See ya! Pizza? Miss you old friend! Pop tart? I don't think so! Uuugghhh! It was hard!
Now if I was a different type of person, the type who always has a sprig of fresh herbs in the crisper in case I want to make homeade vinegarette that night or  whole sticks of cinnamon in the spice rack just waiting to be shaved into a brew of hot cider, then maybe this whole GFCF thing wouldn't  have been quite so hard. But I do not prepare homemade anything and I certainly wasn't going to start at thirty with a busy five year old and a three year old on the spectrum. Somehow, we stuck it out for about six months with Cams on the diet. Did we notice a change? Yes, but a slight one. She didn't seem as aggressive towards other kids,but I still couldn't let her wander in a toddler crowd without me being right beside her, because she still had incidences of biting and pinching. If we had kept her on the diet longer would it have gotten better? Maybe,but we would never know because by that time I was pregnant with Natalie, sick as a street dog and popping nuggets in the microwave like nobody's business. I felt like a failure.
So here we are four years and several medications later and the only thing that has changed about Cams aggression is the size of her weapons. Her fingers are bigger and stronger and her teeth have a much higher PSI. Things are bad. She is assaulting her sisters at home and we are getting calls every week from school. Natalie doesn't even want to walk past Cams room to get to her own for fear Camryn will hurt her. Mason is trying to be a good sister and daughter and offers to go into Camryns room while she is screaming and throwing things to try and calm her down so I can prepare dinner only to come out seconds later crying because Camryn hurt her. It breaks my heart!
In desperation, Brad and I attended the NAC hoping like hell we would come across some sort of treatment that would improve all of our's quality of life. There were aisles of vendors, everything from specially designed carseats to tracking devices if your child wanders off, both of which caught our attention, as Camryn frequently unbuckles her seatbelt while we're driving and will follow a dog miles and miles, with no worry of getting lost or abducted. The speakers that day were a neuropsychologist, a woman featured on HBO for her ability to teach Autistic kids to communicate, a speaker on Autism and puberty and Dr. Bradstreet's presentation on biomedical interventions. We made it to the neuropsychologist and Dr. Bradstreet. After hearing everything he had to say and looking at the research to back it up, Brad and I made a decision to try a natural approach one more time. It all makes sense and even though it doesn't work for every child, what if Cam was one of the kids it did work for? Back at the vendor section we stopped at several booths selling enzymes and vitamins. Dr. Bradstreet spoke of the importance of these and also a substance called secretin. In fact, from what Brad and I got out of it, secretin was one of the key components of his treatment plan.We were definitely going to do it! We left feeling inspired and as soon as we got home I looked online for the Feingold diet and ordered the literature.This diet is a bit different from the GFCF in that is focuses mainly on removing artificial dyes, preservatives and nitrates. It seems almost as strict, but maybe a tad more do-able with young kids. Supposedly the results are pretty significant and from what I have read, fast, with some reporting visible changes in as little as four days. I am hopeful,but cautious.
Along with implementing this diet, we have decided to take Camryn off the medicine Risperidone, which her neurologist prescribed a year ago for her aggression.  We have never been thrilled with the results and after talking with a friend of mine the other night and learning that her daughter was also put on this drug and had horrible side effects that included insomnia,urinating all over the floor and extreme hyperness, we decided right then to get this drug out of Cams system.
So, any day now the diet should arrive. I am excited but also fearful.What if it's too big of a comittment at this stage of our life? What if it's too overwhelming? What if it doesn't work? What if it does?
I hope in a month I will write a blog giving my testimony to the miraculous benefits of the Feingold diet. I hope that once the Risperidone exits Cams body she will be different, in a good way. I hope that in six months my kids,all three of them, will sit at the beach together and build sandcastles and bury each other in the sand, the way sisters do. But most of all I hope that if none of these things happen, I can look at my daughter, in all her Autistic splendor and know that I tried everything I knew to make her better,only to see that ironically she was the one who made me better, and did it just by being the way she is.

Chasing Dreams....

My kids are ages 9,7 and 4. They are that age for a reason, because four and a half years ago I birthed my last baby and made a promise to my body to never put it through that again. I cherished the times baby Natalie woke in the night for me to feed and hold her because I knew that was my last round of night duty and it would go so fast. And when she began to sleep through the night, I sang a round of "Hallelujah's!" before snuggling into my cozy bed for a full eight hour slumber.
Well....about a week ago all that changed. Apparently Camryn has been  feeling nostalgic for her early years and has called her inner child out to play, and because she is still a child herself that would make her inner child about six months old. So last Friday baby Camryn revisited the family, making her first appearance at the glorious hour of one a.m. Brad was out of town and I had just entered the good part of sleep, you know the part where you are perfectly positioned in your bed, the covers are tucked in at just the right places. The room is dark and cool and you are just about to be crowned Miss America and then "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I nearly jumped out of my skin! She does this alot,so you'd think I'd be used to it, but most times if I lay very still and ignore her she ends up going back to bed. I was as still as a leaf on the forest floor, hoping, praying I would hear her feet pounding on the wooden floor as she got back in bed. But nope, again "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh, Mamaaaaaaaaaa!" Camryns bedroom is directly next to Mason and Natalies so when Cam screams, we all hear it! And with no carpet in the house to muffle the wails, it's enough to make your ears bleed, really.
As I am making my way down the hallway, I hear Mason shout out "Beeeeeeee Quiettttttttttttttt!!!!" which only makes Camryn scream louder and harder which wakes up Natalie who starts crying which gets me wondering "Why did I have kids again?"
I open Cams gate and it's like letting a bull out of it's chute. She pounds through the darkened house in search of one thing....RyRy. I give Mason a quick lecture about how her screams only make Cams screams worse, tuck Nat back in bed and run off to find Cams, who is up in Rileys face saying "Cube cubes".
I check her pullup and sure enough, it's soaked. I put a dry one on her, give her a drink and take her back in her room. I go through the blanketing ritual...first the sheet, then the fleece blanket, then the quilt and last but not least the weighted blanket. I make sure she has her little blankie she's had since birth that she chews on and white tiger and then close the gate and tip-toe back to my room, desperately trying not to make a single sound. I climb toward my pillow like a leapord stalking it's prey and when I reach it, lay my head down as quietly as I can. I cover up, roll over, get comfy and then........I hear the crinkle of her weighted blanket being kicked off, her feet on the wood floor and I brace myself for the piercing screams. "Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! I need help!!!!!!!!"  OMG!!! It's nearly two a.m. now. I repeat the actions I had taken just moments earlier and get back in bed only to be awakened at three and then four. By this time I am livid! I feel so bad because I have no idea what it wrong. Her forehead is cool, her pullup is dry, she has been fed and watered and tucked and patted and whatever else I can think of to get her to sleep. The only thing I haven't tried is meds. She takes Clonidine before bed to help her get to sleep and the half a pill lasts for three hours, by which time she should be in a deep enough sleep that she won't wake until morning. Well, that night it just wasn't happening and knowing that in three hours her sisters would be up and I was on duty all weekend while Brad was away was enough to make me grab that bottle and slip her another half a pill while feeling like a total loser, drugging my kid so I can get some sleep. Desperate measures, but let me tell you, these were some desperate times.
So I give her the Clonidine, layer her with blankets and lay down in hopes of sleeping more than one hour at a time. Well, she slept till seven, which gave me about two hours of uninterrupted sleep. She seemed none the worse for having the night from hell and during the day she didn't seem tired at all. I on the other hand was dragging and I was determined to sleep in peace that night so I took the girls to a nature park where they could run and play and basically use up any energy they had. Mason and Natalie walked the trails and ran around and Camryn pulled the wagon. We were there for three hours and then went to dinner. I let Camryn stay up late, sure that she would be nearly in a coma by ten and sleep through that night. Once the kids were all tucked in, I got this burst of energy at around eleven p.m. Had to be one of those so-tired-you're slap happy moments and in this impaired mental state I decided I would do all the laundry! Yep, all eight loads of it. So there I was just a washin' and a foldin', never mind that it was midnight and I had a serious deficiency of shut-eye. Surely Cams would sleep through, there was no way she wouldn't be exhausted after the previous night and the active day. I was totally counting my chickens before they hatched, only they were sheep and they were supposed to jump.
So one in the morning, the last load washed and folded I decide to get to bed. As the night before,I get super comfy in my bed, REM starts kicking in and then.....you guessed it! Crinkle,Pound, Wail! The Rice Krispies guys have nothing on Cams. And so my night went, much like the night before and for no reason I could see. And this pattern has continued, with last night making it six in a row. And the strangest thing is, Camryns teacher has commented every day what a wonderful day Cam had! What? She did so well she got to go to treasure box twice! Okay, so is the solution to Cams aggression that we never sleep? Is this a cruel joke? I know I have been praying for a solution to her behaviors but this really isn't what I had in mind.
I'm sure it's a crazy coincidence, but again, it's another one of the mysteries of Autism I'd love to decode.
Until we find out what the culprit is, I will be taking whatever preventative measures I can think of to get this girl in a serious slumber.
I'm going today to buy her flannel sheets and snug pajamas in the hopes that she is waking because she is cold and because of her sensory awareness issues she doesn't cover herself back up and this way she will stay warm and not awake from the chill.
I am also going to buy a sound machine and turn on some white noise tonight. Maybe it's too quiet at night (which by the way is the ONLY time it is ever too quiet around here).
And I will be stocking up on anything lavendar.... bath soap, lotion, fresh leaves to scatter on her pillow...whatever will get this child to sleep tonight! I am a very tired woman!
Hopefully tomorrow I will be writing about how I climbed Mt Everest and was on the Today Show to talk about it and when I showed up for my interview with Matt Lauer I was naked and then a tiger came on the set and chased me all the way back to my gingerbread house where a witch was waiting with dinner on the table because then it will mean I had a dream which means I'll have slept!! I already have my hiking boots ready!

Oh Crap!

I want to open this post with a prayer:

Dear God,
Remember all those times I prayed to you asking for fortune and fame and a perfect body? Well I have finally realized that those things are not what matters most in life, which must be why I have never received them, as you wanted me to appreciate the true blessings in life such as health, family and friends. And I do. But Lord, can you help me out with the whole Cam pooping in her pants thing now? I mean, it's been almost eight years!! I get it, no Mercedes, no talk show, no size two jeans. Okay, I'm cool with that. But please God, please, just a day without throwing another pair panties in the garbage  and scrubbing poop up off the floor would be such a blessing! Thank you Lord. Amen!

For those of you who may be thinking I am mocking prayer. I am not. I am truly thankful for the blessings in my life. I am healthy, surrounded by amazing friends and supported by a loving family. And I am so thankful. But people, seriously, I have been wiping butts for going on ten years now! I'm ready for a change, and I don't mean a new diaper!
Now in all fairness to Camryn, she has come a long way as far as the toileting issues go. While her having bowel movements in her pants is still a problem, thank God the days of using it as body paint and wall accents are over. Every parent has a story of when their kid had a blowout and then decorated their crib with the stuff. But I think if you ask around, most of the parents will say it happened when their kid was a toddler. I really don't come across too many moms telling stories of six year old Johnny playing with Lincoln Logs and then come to find out they weren't really "Lincoln" logs.
Camryn has only had one incident in the past several months where the poop made it out of the panties and onto places it should never,ever be. And for a while there, Cams was going days at a time with only using the toilet during day and waking up with just a wet pullup. But lately, there hasn't been a day go by without Camryn saying "Do you need a wipe honey?" while walking around with a big pile of poo in her pants. And this has been most interesting as my right arm, my good ole' wiping arm, is in a splint for my fractured wrist. With two good arms, getting the panties off without the poop smudging her legs or splatting to the floor is a real challenge, so having only one fully functioning hand takes it to a whole new level. And the whole time, Cam is squirming around, legs going everywhere, hands picking out remnants from places I really wish her hands wouldn't go. Me trying to avoid getting smeared while trying to get her feet out of her panties and keeping the poop in them. On a good day, with two good hands, I'm actually pretty good at keeping the glob in tact and transferring it from panties to toilet bowl, leaving nothing a good splash of bleach can't get rid of. But throw in the fact that one of my arms is wrapped to a plastic board and it would be easier to get Oprah and David Letterman together than my thumb and pointer finger and the whole smooth transfer thing goes down the drain, but not nearly as literally as I'd like.
Cam knows how to use the toilet. She knows how to say "I need to go poop" and she does it quite often. I can understand if we were out somewhere with no access to a restroom and she had an accident, but just yesterday she was at the table with crayons and then got up saying" I need a wipe honey" which means "I crapped in my pants and you're gonna need not just one wipe but several to clean my butt." Sorry, but that's what it means. And of course I do it without getting mad because that's my little girl and she doesn't do it to gross me out or buy her a pony. For whatever reason, be it she is learning a new skill so her toileting is taking a backseat ( no pun intended) right now or she is stressed about something and not able to be at her best for the moment. I don't know. I just really wish we could get this part of her delay over with as the bigger she gets the bigger her poop gets and I mean really...do I have to explain?
Because necessity is the mother of invention, I have been coming up with some pretty good ideas of contraptions that could be used in the cleaning up process and I must say, some of them are quite creative and I could probably make millions in the right market,which would be the answer to my prayers of fame and fortune. And because of the nature of the work my appetite would surely diminish, shrinking me down to my pre-baby size. Funny huh? I'm tellling you, God has got a great sense of humor. Yes Eve, you can  have everything you always thought you wanted, but you're gonna have to go through a whole lot of crap to get it! Well in that case, no thanks! Perspective changes everything.

So for today this is my wish, my desire, my prayer. If I cannot have a million dollar mansion, if I cannot have buns or thighs or something of steel, then Lord please, can we at least work something out where I don't have to duke it out with Cam's bowel movements every day and call it even?
 Whatever the answer, I will continue to deal with the accidents and clean them up the best I can. I will even continue to see the humor in it all, as without laughing I would surely be a permanent resident of the local loony bin. Just gotta face it. We all have **it to deal with. There's even the saying..."**it happens". I just happen to be dealing with the literal interptretation of it and boy does it stink!

Lions and Tigers and...Vampires?

Well October is finally over and we are now in the first few days of the month to give thanks and let me start by giving thanks that October is finally over!! While it is always a crazy busy month, this year October tried to kill me! Between my birthday, the Halloween party, ZooBoo, trick-or-treating and countless other things that went on in those thirty-one days, it is no wonder I had to literally drag myself out of bed this morning after hitting snooze seven times! And if I was that tired, imagine how the kids felt! In fact, they were so tired that...get this....I had to wake Camryn up! Now that's tired!
Like I said, October is always a busy month for us, but this was the first year we had a Halloween party and also the first year we did ZooBoo and trick-or-treating back to back. For those of you going ZooBoo???, what's ZooBoo?, it is an anuual event held at the Lowry Park Zoo in Tampa at night during the month of October. The zoo is transformed into a Halloween wonderland, with orange twinkle lights, animated skeletons, inflatable pumpkins and just about any other thing that falls under the category of Halloween.  They have several themed Haunted Houses and the kids can wear their costumes. We have been going since Mason was three and because Halloween is Mason's favorite time of year, going to ZooBoo is more important to her than going trick-or-treating. So even though we were booked solid up until the very end of the month, and going to ZooBoo the night before Halloween was not really what I wanted to do, we squeezed it in for the sake of our daughters happiness.
Camryn enjoys it too, but always from the confines of a stroller, cause that's how Cams rolls (pun definitely intended). She has always been perfectly content to buckle herself in and be pushed around the zoo, taking it all in at about two mph. There is always much talk about going days before, so Cams has a heads up. I tell her we are going to see ghosts and spooky things, but I have no idea if she even knows what spooky means because when your kid can't tell you what they're thinking it's kinda hard to know. She is just happy to be in a costume and be with our family and friends, really doesn't matter what we do or where we go. She's easy.  What's funny is that because she doesn't say much about it, last year we didn't even think about her possibly being scared in the haunted houses. And because I am a major wuss when it comes to spooky dark places, I always make Brad go first. Which is fine, BUT last year he was pushing the stroller, so really the first person to enter the tunnel of darkness was completely unaware of what she was about to do Camryn! I was at the back of our group so at first it never occurred to me that my little girl, the one who I have no idea if she understands Haunted Houses, would be the first one shaking skeletons and giant spiders would leap out at. I know, terrible! And I guess it never crossed Brad's mind either, because he just pushed her on in. Now again, we have NO idea what Camryn is thinking when she sees a glowing skeleton or creepy clown. Last year, she really showed no fear when we would go to the Halloween store to see all their spooky wares.In fact, there was an animated zombie that actually crawled on the floor when it was activated and Camryn grabbed it by it's strangly gray hair, picked it up off the floor and said "She needs a hug. I wanna give him a hug"! It needed more than a hug, but the innocence! At six years old, she wasn't afraid of this bloody rubber person with yellow eyes and stringy hair because she didn't know she should be. And that's how she was with every other scary object in the store. At ZooBoo however, it was a different story because the haunted houses were mostly dark and there were strobe lights, loud sounds and creepy things popping up and out and every other direction as you walked by. And me being such a fraidy cat, I kept to the back of the line figuring there was nothing I could do if she was scared that Brad couldn't do, so there was no need for me to make my way through the dark creepiness to find them. I know, I know, I'm terrible! When we finally made it through the fog and the darkness, I exited to see Camryn sitting in the stroller, looking just the same as when we went in. Brad said the only thing she said was an occasional "All done" as they were walking through. It really didn't phase her.
So fast forward three hundred and fifty something days and we are at the Halloween store for our annual walk through. The first display we come upon are some freaky looking clowns that turn their heads when you push the button. I had Camryn's hand,not because I thought she would be scared but because I was scared of her getting in a random scratch at passers-by. I walked toward the clowns and was shocked that Camryn refused to follow. She was staring at the clowns as if they were...scary! She was scared!! I was so excited! Now I know that sounds crazy,but Camryn showing fear is a sign that she is maturing, becoming more aware, progressing!!! I tried to make her go up to them to see they were pretend (another concept I have no idea if she gets) but she would not move. We took a detour around the clowns toward the back of the store. I wanted to see if she was afraid of anything else. This year a popular theme for Halloween was zombie babies and kids and I get where they got their inspiration from because kids are totally scary!! There was a "playground" set up with zombie kids on a teeter-totter and merry-go-round and to me it just looked ridiculous. But Natalie had no interest whatsoever in making friends with them and Mason just said they looked creepy. Camryn stared at them for a while and then decided all they really needed was a hug. "I wanna give him a hug. Him needs kiss. Muwah!!" Obviously, the fear thing would be a slow process.
So, knowing the clowns freaked her out, I knew to keep her away from them and women with too much makeup, but nothing else seemed to scare her. Things shouldn't be much different at ZooBoo this year then.
Because a year has passed Camryn no longer fits in the stroller, so we upgraded to a wagon. It was nice because she was more out in the open, but it was bad because she was more out in the open. Brad pulled and I walked next to her, protecting any little arms and faces that got too close. The night was beautiful and the zoo was packed as usual. When we approached the first haunted house, we were told the wagon coudn't come through. Ohhhhh, okayyyyy. Because Nat was scared, Brad carried her, which left me to hold onto Camryn (this was before I knew my wrist was broken,yep). There were other adults with us, but Cam is her Momma's girl and if Daddy wasn't going to carry her then Mommy would be her escort. We entered the dark room and I kept a tight grip on her. She was walking with me, but keeping a much slower pace. I think what scared her the most was the fact she couldn't see where she was walking and she has major issues with feeling unsteady. Our group is one of those groups with people running ahead and jumping out, so Mason and my brother were being crazy, Nat was wrapped around Brad like a vine and my mom and I were making sure to stay in between the group so nothing could grab us. About two minutes into the hauntedness, Camryn shouts out "Game over!" Hahahahahaha! We all laughed so hard! Game over? Where had she heard that? Wherever it was, she knew what it meant and when to use it! I tried to make the walk thru funny,pointing out silly skeletons and such. Cams didn't look scared, but obviously she was feeling unsure because after the "game over" comment, she kept waving at everything saying "Bye, have a good day! Drive carefully!" LOL! That is her way of saying "I am outta here!"
We made it through the first house, and Cams was fine. As were approaching the next one a littly boy about Masons age and his grandmother walked over to Cams and me and asked if we had just come out of the Haunted Shipwreck. I told him yes and he asked was it scary? "Yes, it's scary, but not horrible." He asked if things jump out at you to which I answered that things pop out, but nobody jumps out and that it is all pretend. He was so cute and serious with his inquiry. "I'm scared of things jumping out at me" he said. And as soon as he finished his sentence Camryn, who had been standing nicely holding my hand, reached out with the speed of light and pinched his cheek. "Ohhh honey, I am so sorry!" I said, completely moritfied. His grandmother just smiled and said it was alright. He looked shocked but okay and I said "Now that was scary! That was worse than the haunted house!" He laughed and we moved on. Cams, Cams, Cams!
We went throgh four haunted houses all together. Camryn did good and only assaulted one other ZooBooer, this one a teenager who was using her cell phone as a light in the darkness. Cams saw it and because she loves her some cellphones, she reached out and grabbed it out of the girls hands,throwing in a pinch for good measure. Brad was with her at the time and he gave it back to the girl and apologized.Moving right along!
During ZooBoo, all of the animal exhibits are closed except for the manatees and stingray touch tank. My kids love to pet the stingrays! Brad bought some shrimp to feed them and while Mason and Nat placed it in their hand and let the rays eat it, Cam  didn't really get the whole palm flat concept and just threw the shrimp in the water. Whatever! While my other two gently rubbed the rays backs, Camr reached in and tried to lift them out of the water! At one point she got so excited she splashed her hand hard in the tank and completely soaked Mason's ladybug dress and Natalies little mermaid gown. Mason screamed out at Camryn and Natalie started bawling. Cam was "growling" and tweaking up a storm! The crowd looked over and I just gave them a big smile as if to say  "HI!!!"
We toweled the girls off and moved on to the carousel. Yes I said it, the carousel. And what better place to take on such a scary expedition but ZooBoo? Anybody who reads this blog knows what an undertaking the carousel can be when Camryn is involved. It is her absolute FAVORITE thing to do and the fact that you must wait in line and only ride once doesn't sit so well with her. At this point in my mother of autism career though, I am so past not doing something because people will stare, so Cams and I got in the line while Nat waited next to us with my brothers girlfiend. Cams was excited but.....she waited so well!! She was tweaking and squealing out loud, but no meltdowns whatsoever! I held both her hands up as we made our way to pick her horse and I made sure to stand in between her and the little girl next to her. I had to hold on to her while the carousel turned because you know Cams is too cool to hold on. She was grimacing, biting her hand and shrieking in joy, but no bystanders were injured and there were no fall on the floor screaming tantrums when we had to get off. I was impressed!
Last stop was the petting zoo, which was closed but you could still feed the goats. Again, Mason and Nat got that you had to put the food in the palm of your hand to feed the goats while Cams just threw the pellets over the fence. The goats didn't care, it was still food. Cams was more interested in any physical contact she could get with the animals and at one point she was on the ground trying to lick an eating goats tongue! Ewwwwww! Not enough toothpaste in the world!
By this time it was eleven, ZooBoo was over and we headed out. All in all it was a success! A little boy was pinched, a girls cell phone grabbed, Mason and Nats costumes soaked and a goat was slightly molested, so yeah, in our book that's a good night!
I can't wait to see what happens next year. Unless Radio Flyer comes out with a larger model, I'm thinking Cams is going to have to two-foot the whole thing, which will be a welcome change. Hopefully we can exit dry and without DNA under Cams nails and on her tongue. But whatever it will be, I know it will be interesting because with Camryn, life is always interesting and that's just how we like it!

A Conscious Decision

So... I have  many things I want to write about, but before I do, I just have to write this little post about an experience I had this weekend that is even more proof that God has a great sense of humor.
Anybody who knows me knows I love a good clearance sale. I can see those little orange tags from a mile away! And anybody who knows me also knows how much I love Target. Love it, looooooove it! And when Target is having a clearance sale, and they always are having a clearance sale, I am higher than Lindsay Lohan after a court date.
This past Saturday I was at Target getting last minute costume accessories for our annual outing to ZooBoo (I'll get to that in the next post). Mason needed some black shoes, so while I was picking them up in the shoe aisle I spotted an endcap overflowing with shoes, each of them dangling a little,orange tag! I was in a hurry and really had no time to be looking for shoes for myself but I mean really, there is always time for a shoe sale. I rummaged through the lot of zebra sequined flats, some God-awful furry flip flops and then to several pair of blue and white tennies. They were super cute and just what I had been wanting, as my current sneakers are great for exercise, but not so much for show. The tag read a normal price of $27.99 on clearance for $19.27. Too much, that's not clearance. I tossed the pair back on the shelf and happened to see a pair on the bottom that were priced at $8.74, with a normal price of $34.99. They were the EXACT same shoes and out of about fifteen pair, they were the only ones with the $8.74 and $34.99 pricing. Hmmmmmm, this totally looks like a case of a price mix-up and clearly these shoes were not supposed to sell for $8.74. But they were soooo cute and they were my size and if the price tag says $8.74 then I should get them for $8.74 because it's not my fault someone messed up the pricing gun and anyway I spend so much money at Target they should give me the shoes for free, plus a pair of socks because I deserve it! I'm sick, I know. So, after I told my conscience to pipe down, I plopped the sneakers in my cart and headed off to the cosmetics section. I needed to get Mason some red nail polish for her ladybug costume.
Up at the register, I felt like I was trying to smuggle a bomb onto a plane or something. I nervously placed the shoes on the conveyor and tried to make small talk with the cashier, hoping she wouldn't sense that I was a horrible, terrible person about to get one over on Target. I kept watching the scanner to see if maybe by some chance the shoes would ring up at $8.74 on their own, but they didn't. $19.27 showed up on the register in green digital numbers and just as she was tossing them in the bag I said "Oh, I thought those shoes were $8.74? The tag says $8.74". She checked them and said "You're right. I'm sorry!" She said she was sorry! I pictured the devil getting my room ready in Hell. I paid the bill and hurried out before the pricing police got wind of what had just transpired and hurried home to get ready for our evening.
I showed Brad the shoes, leaving out the part that they weren't REALLY $8.74. There was no need to tarnish his image of me."Aren't they cute? I love them!" I said as I danced around the kitchen with my prize in my hands. I took them into the bedroom and laid them on the bed. Mason came in to get her nails painted with the fire engine red polish I bought earlier at Target. I alternated red and black to go with her ladybug outfit. They looked so cute!When I was done, I set the nail polish on the nightstand and proceeded to get myself ready to go. Camryn was in her room screaming from behind the gate so after I had Mace and Nat ready to go, I let her out. She came galloping into our room, tweaking and biting her hand. She was in her zebra outfit and hyped up because she knew we were going to the zoo that night. As usual she was taking whatever was in her way and flinging it here and throwing it there. I had planned on going as a vampiress and was in deep concentration in the mirror, lining my eyes just right with jet black liner when out of the corner of my eye I saw it. It was like it was in slow motion, me turning around, my hair flying in the direction of my head, my eyes like saucers and my mouth forming a perfect O, shouting "Noooooooooooooo!" as I watched Camryn,bright red nail polish container in one hand and the lid with brush attached in the other, fling a splash of cherry lacquer on my brand new sneakers! My should have been $19.27 but I'm so slick I got them for $8.74 sneakers! "No Camryn, no, no, no!!!!!" Brad grabbed the polish out of her hand and put her back in her room. I grabbed the shoes and immediatley started dabbing them with acetone soaked cotton balls. Our bedspread was also streaked with red, but I didn't care, I just kept blotting the white mesh with nail polish remover, but it was all in vain. There was no way those shoes were coming clean.
I was so mad! Brad kept saying "Don't worry about it,just go back and get another pair. They were only eight bucks." That's when I figured if the shoes weren't going to come clean, at least I should. I told him the whole story and we both had a good laugh at how quickly karma responded. She may be a bitch, but she's an efficient one. We headed out to the zoo and I actually forgot about what happened until one of our friends said "What is on Camryn's shoe? Is that supposed to look like blood?" I glanced down and sure enough, somehow Camryn had assaulted her own shoes in the process. I just looked at her shoes and then turned to my friend and said "It's not blood, it's Wet and Wild #27...long story, I'll have to tell you later!"