Nothing Wrong With That!

With everything in life there is the good and the bad. The pros and cons, benefits and drawbacks, highs and lows. And so it goes with Autism as well. You've got your good and you've got your not so good. And when it seems like there is way more crap in the not so good scale, I like to balance it out by weighing in on the good stuff.

Camryn Faith Walker wakes up in a good mood every single morning. Every single morning!!! Doesn't matter if she's in a deep sleep snoring, or laying in bed lazy staring at the wall. Every morning I go in to get her I always know I am going to get a smile and a giggle and some crazy saying in a silly voice. I love waking her up because it is one of the few times I can snuggle to her without having her in a full head and body lock. I put my face in the back of her neck and her skin is so warm and smells like slightly sweaty maple syrup, sounds gross but I love it. She giggles and I give her smooches and it is one of my favorite things to do with her. It never lasts long, maybe two to three minutes, but I get so much enjoyment and fulfillment out of that short time it is totally worth it. By then my other two sleeping beauties have risen and with those two you never know what you are going to get! There can be whining and grouchiness, rolling eyes and bickering and it is one of the rare times I think "Why can't they be more like Camryn?"

This year Mason entered fifth grade at a new school and Natalie started kindergarten. Both of them were excited, but also equally nervous about their new surroundings, not knowing anybody and would they like their teacher. As a parent it is so hard to send your kids off into the sometimes hostile environment of school, knowing how cruel kids can be and thinking back to your own schoolday horrors. I felt for them the first day as I kissed them goodbye and watched them disappear into the great unknown. Camryn however, first day she was like "Whateva!". I woke her up, got her in her uniform, put her backpack on her and walked her out to the bus where a total stranger was waiting to drive her to school. She had no fears of not knowing the driver, no nervousness of the first day and no concern whatsoever that I would not be on the bus with her. In fact when I kissed her she pushed me away and said repeatedly "Bye, Bye, be good, drive carefully, bye!"waving like a wild woman. I watched her climb the bus steps and hold hands with the assistant who would lead her to her seat. Cam was just smiling and loving life! I waved goodbye as they pulled off and thought "What a beautiful blessing! The child knows no feelings of the fear of not knowing or the worry of not being good enough." Ahhh, the innocence!

Last week our family said "See you soon" to a much loved member of the family. We didn't say goodbye because we plan on visiting her in the not too far future, so see you soon sounded much better. "Aunt Jackie", while not a blood relative, is as much a part of our family as if she were born from my mom. She has been such a huge part of my girls lives, literally since the day they were born. She was in the delivery room for Mason and Camryn, and not for Nat only because we had moved at that time. My kids absolutely adore her and because she has no kids of her own, my girls were her "surrogate" kids. They would spend the night with her all the time, go to the movies, Disney, swimming, get ice cream, hang out with her and her two golden retrievers, and just made a ton of fabulous memories with her. We were so blessed to have her in our life for as long as we did. But life changes, as we all know and a new opportunity came up for her in her homestate of California. It was going to be a real positive move for her, as not only would she have a new start but her parents, and brother and nieces would be nearby. While my heart broke into a million pieces when she told me she was leaving, I was also so happy for her because she is a beautiful person and deserves the best.
Telling my girls was literally painful. I had a knot in my stomach for hours before I finally decided the right moment would never be and I sat them down and broke the news. Mason was upset, but I think she's secretly a man as she hides her emotions like a pro. Natalie crawled up in my lap and bawled. And Camryn, well I didn't even tell Camryn because she wouldn't understand what I was saying anyway. She doesn't communicate like that. When we said our goodbyes to Jackie, I could tell by the way Mason was behaving that she was very sad.We were at a yogurt shop downtown and she gave Jackie lots of hugs, which is not her nature in private let alone public and it broke my heart to see her holding onto the "Aunt" she loves so much knowing she wouldn't be hugging her again for quite some time. Natalie took it one step further and refused to let go of Jackie. She told her "I'm never letting you go!!!" and clung to Jackie's legs. Of course when it came to my turn, I started sobbing as we embraced. And then there was Camryn, totally oblivious to the somber mood. She was in the stroller tweaking up a storm ,trying to attack small dogs whose owners let them wander dangerously close to her. As we watched Jackie walk down the street Mason said "I wish I was like Camryn. She doesn't know to be sad about Aunt leaving. She doesn't even know she won't see her again for a long time." I hugged her and kissed her head. She was right.

In two days it will be the tenth anniversary of September 11th. The day the world changed Mason was eight months old and pointed to the television at the plane flying into the building saying "bird, bird". Today she is a ten and a half year old girl who has come to learn the ugliness of what really happened that day and that was no bird. We have been talking about it alot the past few days because of all the talk about it in the media. I don't want her to be afraid but I want her to know the real story so she will not be led astray by other kids versions or perceptions. It is a difficult conversation to have with the little girl I just took to Disney World last month. I want so much to protect her from all the ugliness in the world, but I know that is an impossible feat. And Natalie, while only five, she also hears things at school and has said a few things about 9-11 and oh it breaks my heart to see my baby with her big blue eyes and soft round cheeks talk about "bad people" who want to hurt us. Why is this world so ugly?
And then there's Cam. Sitting on the floor with Rileys face squished between her hands. She has her mouth wide open and the dog is licking her face. She is laughing and tweaking and loving it. She has no idea that the Trade Center fell. She knows nothing of bombs or guns or terrorists. There are no "bad guys" in her world and there is no boogeyman in her closet. And when I long for her to be like a normal kid with normal kid thoughts and normal kid dreams, I have to remind myself that normal is not always better. She may not know how to read or write. She may not know how to tie her shoes, ride a bike, or jump rope. She may never have a tea party or a sleepover or a best girlfriend. And for that I am sad. But I find peace in the fact that she lays down at night without a worry or care. That she wakes up every morning ready for a new day. That she knows nothing of people starving, horrific floods, homeless families,ugly wars or missing children. She only knows what is right with the world and that is what's right with autism. And for that I am so thankful!