Rain, Rain Go Away, But Please Come Back Another Day

Your own perception is your own reality. Not quite sure who "coined" this, but it is so true.

I am a deep thinker. Always have been and probably always will be, which is funny because I am also such a "blonde" at times. I remember laying in bed in elementary school,trying to wrap my mind around what was here before God. If God created the world then where did God come from and what does nothing look like if there was nothing here in the beginning and what will it be like to live for eternity and all other kinds of crazy things that would twist my intestines into a knotted mess and leave me wishing I could just hit the pillow and fall asleep. My best friend Anna can tell you some stories from our youth of outlandish questions I had for my mom that most kids couldn't have cared less about knowing. Maybe it's because I am a writer that I ponder such things. Maybe it's because I'm nosey that I want to know all the details. Or maybe I'm just crazy! But most likely a combination of them all.

Today, on my morning walk I was running the weekend back through my mind. Brad had to work on the machine early Friday and all day Saturday and was going to spend  Thursay through Saturday night at his moms because she lives close to the plant, which meant I would be flying solo with the kids. When my co-pilot is gone it can become quite turbulent so I asked him if he would mind taking Cam with him to his moms for the weekend so I could do some not-so-Cam-friendly things with Mace and Nat. Brad picked Cam up early from school Thursday and the two of them headed down to Port Charlotte for a weekend with Nanny.

I know it sounds terrible but Thursday morning I woke up with an extra spring in my step knowing I would only have Mason and Natalie for the next three days and was excited for the "ordinary normalness" that would come with it. I knew that once Cam got on the bus our house would be "Autism-free" for a short while and it made the day so much easier to face. I kissed her goodbye and put her on the bus and I swear my posture improved immediately! I felt lighter, it was easier to breathe and I couldn't wait to pick up my other two girls after school and have a normal afternoon. Now I say normal, but actually what I mean is not-so-normal because a normal afternoon for us is Cam and I going to get her sisters from school and not even getting in the door before Camryn has hurt one of them, trying to help Mace and Nat with homework while Camryn either destroys the house or is locked in her room screaming, Mason crying out of frustration, Natalie crying out of frustration, Camryn crying out of frustration, me crying out of frustration and the dog once again asking herself "Do they really consider this "rescued?" Cam usually poops or pees on herself at some point, I put her in the bath while preparing dinner only to come back and find that she has flooded the bathroom floor splashing water everywhere, then once everyone is seated down to dinner although our table is long and has six seats Camryn somewhow finds a way to kick her sisters under the table or steal their food when they aren't looking, which is never a good thing. I pray for the clock to strike 7:00 which means time for jammies and winding down, then 7:30 for brushing teeth and then the glorious hour of eight o'clock when peace feels it's safe enough to come back into the house. It's pretty crazy.

But when it's just Mason and Natalie, things are sooooo much different for me, for us. I was not half as stressed when I picked them up in the car circle because I had not been trying to keep Camryn out of the glove box for the past ten minutes. We talked about their day on the way home and I didn't have to be concerned Camryn was going to close the car door on their hands when we got out, as she can't stand for doors to be open and slams them shut with no regard there might be a peron behind or in them. I made them a snack, they sat at the table and noone kicked them or grabbed their grapes. They played together before homework and I sat and watched them, I sat!! That is unheard of at 3:30 on a school day! Then time for homework, Mason satat the table and Natalie and I went into the sunroom. It was quiet, we could think, it was a beautiful thing. If Mason needed me I helped her as well, it was such a nice change.
A good friend of the family was returning home from a trip that evening and my Mom was picking her up at the airport and then having us all over for pizza. The girls wanted to go to the airport as well and so we did. We all went to the airport in my Mom's Sonata!!!! Sounds indcredibly ordinary doesn't it? I know, it was, but for us it was so extraordinary because we don't all go anywhere together in a vehicle with less than three rows! Anything smaller would leave way too little space between two of my girls and their sisters armspan. And going to my Moms for pizza on a schoolnight? Ha!! With her two little dogs the perfect size to be snapped in half by Cam before the first slice was served? Not likely, too much work! But we did and we had such a great time. The girls colored, I drank wine...drank wine!!! Sat at the table for thirty consecutive minutes and drank wine! It was frickin' incredible!

The next day was Friday and I told the girls we were going to do all the things we wouldn't normally do while we had the chance. After I picked them up from school my Dad called to see if we wanted to have gelato with him downtown. Why of course we did! We picked him up and when we entered the gelato place and saw there was a line of kids before us, instead of panicking and grabbing both of Camryns hands in mine, I stood there both arms limp at my sides,lost in the flavors to choose from until it was our turn. Amazing! We ate outside and as usual there were several people walking their dogs past us on the sidewalk. Never did I jolt from my seat to protect an innocent pooch from Cam's "eternal sleep squeeze". Nope, I just sat there, leaned back in my seat, legs lazily crossed, licking the Meditteranean Sea Salt Caramel gelato from the spoon and thinking to myself "This is the good life."
After the gelato we took the girls across the street to the waterfront park so they could run and swing on the Banyan trees. The group of kids that had been in the gelato place had also crossed over to the park but hey, no worries, in fact I actually told my kids to go play with them. Play with them! I would NEVER tell Camryn to go play with a group of young children unless I held a deep hatred for them and wanted to see them injured,which of course I would never do. I stood there talking with my Dad while the girls ran and played and never once did I worry they were pulling someones ear off or etching their initials in someones skin. It was so, so nice.

That night I invited one of my best friends and her kids over for pizza and play. We haven't seen them for several months and haven't had them over for even longer. Playdates and Camryn don't jive. She loves to see our friends but she just cannot control herself around them and always, always ends up hurting them and I'm sorry, but that's just not fun. And when she is there, my girlfriend and I can forget visiting because I am constantly up following Camryn making sure she is not doing something she shouldn't be which of course she almost always is. But not this time. Friday our friends came over at six, we had pizza, they played, my friend and I sat on the couch and talked, the kids watched a movie in the other room...in the other room!!!! That never happens!! It was a great, great time and I was so happy for Mason that she finally got to have her friends over with no worries of Camryn attacking.

Saturday my Mom and I took the girls to the beach. It started out a very rainy, stormy day but the radar showed it would eventually clear up so we got subs and drinks and drove out to Fort DeSoto. Well, two hours after we got there we were able to actually get on the beach. The storms were a bit more plentiful then we originally thought, but no big deal. We had our food so we parked by the water, got out our subs and had a car picnic. The girls loved it and except for Natalie asking "Are we going to the beach now?" every thirty seconds the girls did great. If Miss Cams had been there forget it. Cam's doesn't sit in a non-moving vehicle for more than um, let's say fifteen seconds at best. It would have never happened if she had joined us, in fact we never would have tried it and turns out I'm so glad we did because when the rain finally did stop it was a beautiful afternoon!
Saturday night I got an impromtu invite to the movies to see "The Help". With Brad out of town this was a perfect time to see it with my Mom and another friend, as I didn't think Brad would be real keen on seeing it. I called my Dad to see if I could drop the girls off at his house while I went to the movie and he said yes. My Dad has always been real good about having Mason and Natalie come over. But with Cam it's different. He has a smaller dog and of course Camryn tries to "kill it with kindness",so that's kind of a negative. Also, I don't think he knows what to do with her so he doesn't have her over and while I wish he would, he doesn't and that's just the way it is.We got home from the beach, the girls changed while I showered and I took them to my Dads. It was such a treat for them and me and I was so glad I got to go. It wasn't lost on me at all that had Cam's been home, going to the movie last minute would have never happened because my Dad was the only one available to watch the girls. I was thankful for the time.

Sunday morning my girls like to go to the Flea Market. They bring their small allowance and bargain for trinkets and treasures. They usually go with my Mom, who  never misses a Sunday, but this time I took them knowing we could walk the aisles and pass by small children and pets with no concern. We meandered up and down the paths looking over the merchants ware's. Mason picked up two owls and Natalie got two elephants and a necklace. It was so nice to have that time with them and as I looked around at other families I wondered did they do this every Sunday or was this a special occasion for them too.

Everything we did this weekend seemed so special. I had such fun with them and I felt like such a good Mom. I didn't yell, I had more patience, I was able to listen and laugh and just be their mom and it felt amazing. Camryn and Brad got home Sunday around noon. We pulled in about five minutes later. When I walked in the door Cam grabbed me around the neck and pulled me right up to her mouth to "smooch" me. I gave her a big hug and kiss and told her how much I had missed her and I had, but secretly I didn't miss her as much I think I should have. And I feel like such dirt for writing that. But I vowed to tell the truth, ugly as it is, when keeping this blog and that is how I truly felt at the time. While of course I missed my baby, my daughter, I so enjoyed the way things were while she was gone. While her sisters and I did nothing of great excitement, everything we did felt so good because we were doing it as we rarely do, out from under the shadow and darkness of Autism. The rest of Sunday was hard. Even though Camryn has an amazingly fun time at "Nanny's" the change is hard for her and getting back into routine is painful. She was extremely whiny and agitated. She was more aggressive than she's been for quite some time. She was screaming and keeping her out of the refrigerator was damn near impossible as she perseverates on food,always looking for it even though she usually ends up giving it to the dog. We put her in the bath to calm her and when I passed by on my way to the garage I noticed she had gotten to the handsoap, emptied it into the bath, thrown out all the toys onto the floor, ripped the plastic cup I use to wash their hair into pieces and splashed about an inch of water onto the tile. My eyes filled up with tears. Brad cleaned it up, got her dressed and took her for a ride while Mason worked on her school project, Nat took a bath and I sorted socks. For forty-five minutes life was "normal" or "not normal" again and I said out loud as I often do "They just don't know. They have no idea" referring of course to parents of normal children. The kids were in bed at eight and I breathed again at 8:01. Having that weekend with the girls was nice, but I wondered if it only depressed me more to see what I was missing.

Today on my walk I started thinking about it. Thinking about how much I enjoyed being a regular lunch making, laundry folding, homework helping, grocrey shopping, beachgoing, pizza eating mom. The things we filled our weeked with to some may seem  mundane, so ordinary because to them they are always an option. I wondered, would I enjoy my time with my girls like that if I didn't know the other side? Has being Camryn's mom made me more appreciative of the "little" things and moments than mothers of typical kids or do they feel that way all the time. Do other mom's wake up on Friday and look forward to spending the weekend with their kids? Do they get such a kick out of sitting still and drinking wine while over at their moms house for dinner? Would I be a better mom if I only had Mason and Natalie, more patient, less stressed and more fun? Or would I be less attentive, bored with the monotony and think going to the beach in the rain is ridiculous? I don't know and I never will and that's because my reality is my perception and my perception as a Mom of an autistic child is very different than that of my peers.

Because I know my life is what it is and I have to make the best of it and for the sake of my sanity, I have to believe that I would not treasure my "normal mom time" if I did not know of times so different. And I have to believe that my kids would not be so thankful to have it had they not spent far more time in a less rosey environment. And I also have to believe, like I always have, that I was chosen to be Camryn's Mom for a reason. A reason that has yet to reveal itself but I know it someday will. Even on the darkest days, the most tearful nights I keep believing it's making me stronger, making us stronger and that I have to go on because one day it's going to get easier, better. Kind of like going to the beach in the rain.