The Walk

So this Saturday is the Walk Now For Autism Tampa Bay in downtown St. Petersburg, and for obvious reasons, we will be attending. We went to the one for Southwest Florida last November in Estero and had a great time. We raised over $300.00, had beautiful weather and enjoyed family time in a non-judgemental environment. And this Saturday, I look forward to the same positive experience. There will be one difference however because this time, the walk will be personal. Personal? You're probably thinking..."Of course it's personal! You're daughter is Autistic!!" Well, yes and it is always personal in that respect. But I am talking about personal on a different level. As in my own personal feelings and perceptions. When we walked in November, it was in a foreign environment, a place I had never been. Southwest Fla has only recently been the place I call home and if I can be completely honest, it has been more of a location. As beautiful as it is and with all it has to offer, there are no childhood memories here, nothing that can take me back. So when doing the walk for Autism, it was just that, a walk for my daughter's disorder. But in 2 days I will be walking for Camryn in St. Petersburg's Straub Park,a place that knew me when I was very young, when my dreams were big and my hands were small. A place where I would tag along with my mom to Mainsail Art Festival every spring,strolling up and down row after row of bright,white tents filled with artists creations, each one more beautiful than the last and staring with wonder at the giant trees (which I now know as Banyan trees) that grew "upside down". I just knew fairies lived somewhere in their shadows and oh, how fun it would be to swing on those dangling vines! A place where I would run on a warm summer night, wind in my face, bare feet on the lush,green grass, while my parents listened to a concert in the park, or watched the boats rock in the harbor. On cool December nights, we'd all pile into the car to look at the lights in the park and the lifesize Christmas Cards display. I remember begging my Mom to take me to the Straw Goat, a store just across from the park that specialized in European gifts. They had these wonderful, gigantic rolls of the bestest, shiniest stickers any nine year old girl had ever seen and if my Mom would just buy me enough to fill a page in my sticker book I would never be bad again, ever! As I grew older, the park became less a place of imaginary creatures and more of a refuge in changing times, a safe haven..After my parents divorce when I was about eighteen, my mom and I would take long walks along the waterfront in the evening, often circling the park and admiring the beauty of the downtown. And when Brad and I started dating,we never missed the annual symphony in the park.We'd meet up with family and friends, spread a blanket under the October sky and share wine, pate and lots of laughter all to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth. Fourth of July, New Years Eve, those too were spent in the park as booming fireworks lit up the sky. And even after Mason and Camryn were born, we were lucky enough to live close enough to the downtown that I could put them in the stroller and take off on my five mile loop, which always included a walk around Straub Park. And when I think back on all those memories, I can't think of a single time I have been in that park and haven't been happy to be there. But that is about to change. While I won't be "sad" when I walk there this Saturday, it will certainly be a different experience. For I am grown now and the trees, while still big, aren't nearly as gigantic as I once thought them to be. And the grass is still lush and green, but won't be felt under the hard, rubber soles of my sneakers. The "Straw Goat" closed it's doors forever. And the fairies,well, I know better now. And even if they were there, hiding somewhere in the shadows, all the fairydust in the world couldn't change the fact that my daughter has Autism. But this is my life, this is the woman the little girl who grew up here became. And although things turned out so very different from the dreams I had back then, my faith assures me things are just as they should be. So I will walk this Saturday for Camryn and the thousands like her, around the park, past the harbor and underneath the banyans. And I'll be sure to be extra careful, because even though I know better, I wouldn't want to step on a fairy :)