Caution! Steam Ahead!!

So, if Maya Angelou knows why the caged bird sings, do you think there's any chance she might have a clue why the autistic child screams? Can you help me out Maya? Please?? Oh the screaming and the crying!!! And the screaming and crying from the other two about the screaming and crying from Camryn. If ever there were a cause for a mother up and leaving the family, I think this is a very justifiable one!! Of course I'm not going to run off in the night, though dreams of it play out in my head on a daily basis, but if I may be disturbingly honest, I don't know how much more of this I can take before I get out my overnight bag and set it by the door, just in case.
This is a vent session pure and simple. I have to get it out and now that Natalie is home with me all day again since Pre-K has ended, walking it out to the beat of my Ipod isn't an option. Therefore all of my pent up frustrations are now being fiercely typed out on the keypad. I know this is my life, I know I have to find a way to deal with it, and I'm trying to make lemonade, really I am, but dear God these are some sour a**  lemons!!
Since it has been a while since I last blogged, there have been several occurrances that have pushed me into this downward spiral. About three weeks ago I  asked Mason to pull Camryn in the wagon outside while I tended to Natalie and her freshly skinned knee. I ran a warm bath for Nat and left Camryn in Mason's care for a few minutes. As I passed the door I saw Mason doing her best to entertain Cam and my heart felt warm as I watched her dance around and sing to her sister. I quickly checked on Nat and then peered outside again to see Mace trying to swat something off her arm. Probably a spider I thought but then heard piercing screams and saw her running towards me in complete horror. "Mommy, mommy!!! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! Camryn.....the bees, they're on Camryn!! They're all over her!! I'm so sorry! I didn't know!" I raced outside to find Camryn buckled into the wagon, crying and covered in yellowjackets! I screamed and batted them away as I tried to get her unbuckled. They were swarming all around and I don't even remember actually getting her out. I ripped her clothes off and ran inside. A few followed us in and I was screaming hysterically, Mason was screaming hysterically and Camryn was crying and yelling. I stripped down to nothing, stripped Mason down and searched all of us for any remaining hornets. Standing there naked as can be, I threw Camryn down on the bed and began inspecting her to see how many times she had gotten stung. She was crying and kicking and twisting. I couldn't get a good look. She kept taking my hand and putting it to her eyes saying "Sting. Hurt". I looked at her face and sure enough she had been stung mulitple times directly under her eyes. They began to swell as did the bridge of her nose and she looked like she had been in a bar fight. The skin beneath them was purple and red. I noticed her middle finger on her left hand was three times its' normal size, obviously she had used that hand to try and protect herself and got stung in the process. I rushed her to the ER where they gave her steroids for the seven stings. I got out of it with just one and Mason by the grace of God had none! They told me to watch her for signs of further swelling, like in her throat and tongue. And watch her I did because one of the dangers of Autism is not being able to say when something doesn't feel right with your body. Camryn had no way of telling me if her tongue felt funny or her throat felt tight. It was a scary night. So after three days on the Prednizone, I thought we were in the clear. Two days after she finished the meds, her bus was extremely late coming home. I was just about to call the school when I spotted it turning the corner. As the doors opened I asked if there had been a problem to which the driver and the assistant answered simulaneously "Yes, a big problem!" They then went on to inform me that Camryn had bitten a small kindergarten student as she passed by Camryns seat. The bite broke the skin and really upset the child and her grandmother who called the school to complain. While I felt horrible for the child, at this point in the game the wow factor is gone. I am no longer shocked, stunned or overly emotional about anything Camryn does. I am constantly anticipating bad news, so when I hear it, I feel the appropriate emotions inside, but they rarely make it past my brain and heart to my face, I just don't have the energy anymore. "I'm really sorry that happened" I told them. I took Camryn inside and was in the process of taking off her dress when I noticed a large patch of red bumps on her chest. After getting her dress off completely I saw that they were also on her belly, her shoulders and under her chin. They looked like hives and she was putting my hand on them and saying "Itchy". OMG what was this now?? I called the Dr. and they said to give her Benadryl and watch to make sure they didn't get worse. Mayeb that was why she bit the girl. Maybe she was uncomfortable and so she bit someone. We'll never know. So for three days I gave her Bendaryl and put cream on her hoping they would go away. Well they didn't so I took her in to see the Dr and was told that they weren't hives, but a rash and that I needed to take her to an allergist. For real? Well I guess it makes sense seeing as that is the only specialist we haven't seen in this journey. That was a week ago and the rash is just now starting to fade. However it has been hell because Camryn has been so itchy that she is waking up at night crying saying "Put cream on it honey!!!" Yes, I am feeling so rested. And so is she. HA!
 I now transport Camryn to and from school and that has taken a toll on the kids and me, as our mornings were fairly calm once Camryn left on the bus and afternoon pickup was pleasant when it was just Mace and Nat. Now I have to keep Camryn separated from her sisters while they get ready for school so she doesn't pinch them. She gets past me every now and then though and then the crying and yelling from everybody starts.

School is out in two weeks and my blood pressure gets higher as the count gets lower. Sure, there's summer school and camp but I want before care and after care, a live in nanny and an on call therapist (that one's for me) ;) Actually I'd settle for a day without screaming. Twenty four hours of normal motherhood. Fighting over toys, name calling, stuck out tongues? Bring 'em on. I can take it. But the head banging, the biting and pinching and scratching and the screaming! Why? Why it this happening? Why is she doing it? And why is this our life? I don't know. The Dr.'s don't know. Probably not even Maya Angelou knows. Maybe we shoud have just gotten a bird.