Sorry Fergie, But Big Girls DO Cry

I am sitting here with blood shot eyes and a tear streaked face. I just let myself have a good cry. Okay, maybe wailing sob would be a more appropriate description. Or quite possibly, it could be referred to as a tantrum. The dog left the room, so it couldn't have been pretty. I threw a metal spoon into the sink like it was a dart aimed at a bullseye. I kicked the kitchen cupboards and pounded my fists on the wall. It was a pure and utter display of days, months, years of frustration being released and remarkably  well
choreographed to Camryn's incessant screaming. She is home today as the result of a rash on her face, which just as I told them, was confirmed to be non-contagious by the doctor.I like my girl to go to school because plain and simple I need it and so does she. Summer break will be here in 9 days and I do not want to see it until then. Right now as I type this she is in her room standing at her gate screaming bloody murder and banging her hands and head against the door. I'm sorry but people with normal kids do not have any idea whatsoever of this private hell. I am so envious of their "normal" behavior issues, what I wouldn't give to have that be my biggest struggle.
With it being the first of June today, I really intended to start out on a positive note. But emotions cannot follow a calendar and Autism doesn't give a f**k what day it is. I know I sound so bitter and truth be told, right now I am. I am definitely at a dip in the coaster. I feel so lost as to where to go from here. Where will we get help? When will things get better? Or will they?? Does anybody know how it feels to love your child so much but also dream of a life without them? The screams are so loud right now that my ears vibrate with each outburst. I cannot give in though. She has to learn to be in her room by herself and "play". I did this with Mason too, but she was one at the time.
I swear if the politicians who make the laws concerning the availability of ABA to families of Autism had to spend one hour in my very uncomfortable shoes they would see to it something was done, that is only after they have slipped back into their fine Italian leather loafers.
Things are flying over the gate now. Her flip flops just whizzed past me and she is beating out a rhythm with her head on the wall. She will be nine next January and is already seventy six pounds. What if things get worse? I can't even go there.
I wonder if Kim Kardashian has any idea what Autism is? Or if Jennifer Aniston has a clue that there are way more important issues than her hair style? They wouldn't last a mintue in my world. Not a f**king minute. And I'll never know a minute of theirs. And so is life. This is mine. More importantly this is Camryn's and I just wonder why?
Okay, so I feel better now, although Camryn is still screaming and banging her hands and head. I usually give her twenty minutes. It's been fifteen and here she is now in front of me with her babygate in hand. She finally broke it,as well as me, down in the process. And it's only 12:30...
 I promise not to be so gloomy next post. This has just been a really trying month. Those who know me know I can always find a way to make it funny. And I have with these trials too. But sometimes I just need to whine and cry and scream and throw things. Basically pull a Camryn. Only difference is I can go back to being Eve and she has no choice but to stay Camryn. And for that I feel so sad for her...