A Garden of Eden It Is Not

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
For any of you wondering how it's been going lately, there's your answer! This past month has been horrendous! Hence the lack of blogging.
I love my daughter dearly, but if I could send her away for a while all expenses paid the girl would be on a bus outta here! I am not sure how much more screaming, head banging and aggressive behaviors I can take before I leave out on a bus myself!
Camryn has always had issues, that's nothing new. But the past several weeks she has taken them to a whole new level and it is really wreaking havoc on the rest of the family. Mason and Natalie are being assaulted by Camryn on a minute to minute basis and I'm sure Riley is wishing she could go back to the pound. Our neighbors say they don't hear the screaming, so I'm assuming their homes are soundproofed. Yes, it's been bad....very,very bad.
Brad is still having to work long hours at our business, so it is I who get's the privilege of keeping Miss Cams busy before and after school and lately it is getting harder and harder to find things to hold her attention longer than a nano-second. It used to be that bath's would keep her subdued for a good thirty minutes or so. She insisted the faucet be on the entire length of her bath, and at the risk of being hanged by the water conservationist's of America, I kept it flowing relishing that thirty minutes of peace. The past year or so though, Camryn seems to have lost her fondness of leisurely bathing and we haven't been able to find an activity to take it's place. I mean nothing! It is such a luxury for me to tell Mace and Nat to go read or play Lincoln Logs and actually have them do it, whereas I could tell Camryn those very things and she would look at me as if I had a third eye in the middle of my forehead and then go tug on Riley's jowels. She requires constant supervision and if I have anything to do after 2:30 in the afternoon then I may as well put it on the next day's to-do list because once Cam get's home, the umbilical cord re-attaches. I follow her around as she transfers juice from one cup to another, unsuccessfully I might add, and wipe her mess before I take her hand off the refrigerator door for the ump-teenth time, then into the bathroom where if I'm lucky she'll go IN the toilet, wipe her, back to the refrigerator, into her sisters room where she single handedly destroys their Tinker-Toy TajMajal, leaving a wake of wheels and rods strewn on the floor and her sister's screaming and crying. Oh yes, I adore afternoons! Love them, wish there were more than a mere five hours to fill before bed!
And to add to the chaos, Camryn has begun to engage in self-injurious behaviors more than ever,as well as non-self injurious behaviors, which means everyone around her. She has always been known to bite her own arm and hand, whether it be out of excitement or frustration. And she also has a history of banging her head against the wall or floor, but not on a daily basis. These past couple of weeks have brought about more of both of these behaviors than we have seen in a while. And while it breaks my heart (and my skin) when she scratches and pinches the girls and me, it smashes it to smithereens to see her stand in front of the mirror on her wall screaming and repeatedly banging her head against it and all I can do is watch through teary eyes. Last Saturday I sat on her bed and cried as she banged her head against the mirror. She would do about five, then come to me crying, taking my hand and putting it to her head saying "Hurt. Did you hurt your head honey?" I tried to hold her but she didn't want to be touched and so I let her continue, remembering that I had once heard an autistic child say through typing that they hurt themselves because it felt like their skin was on fire. Is that how Camryn was feeling? I don't know. I hope not.
On top of the head banging, she has also begun screaming more. I have no choice but to put her in room when she hurts us. I put the baby gate up and she sounds as if I were hammering nails through her palms. It is so loud and it usually coincides with Mason doing her homework. Mason begins crying and shouting out how she hate's Camryn and how this is so unfair that she has to live like this and I just stand there, the screams shredding my eardrums, looking at Mason knowing she is so right, it is so unfair. It is then that I tell her I understand her frustrations, that I know how hard it is, but that this is the family God gave us and there has to be a reason, though it may not be revealed for many years. She is a baby and a young lady all wrapped up in one freckled face and she nods in agreement as tears wet her cheek and she scowls at her sister. "Bloom where you're planted" I tell her, thinking to myself how hard it is to bloom when you are constantly under the darkness of Autism.
Nat told me the other morning that it would be better with just two children, her and Mason. Wow, I thought to myself. Four years old and she already sees the stress and hardships her sister can bring. I laughed and said "It would probably be easier but Camryn brings us so much laughter and happiness, so I don't think it would be better". Truth is though, I have that very same thought on a daily basis. Only difference is, I'm too old to say it out loud.
I get in these moods where I think about sending Camryn to a group home. I fantasize about life without the screaming and the aggression and the heartache. Brad and I took Mace and Nat out to dinner the other night while Cam was with a babysitter and I had such a wonderful time! This was what it would be like if it were just the four of us. Brad ordered fajitas since Camryn wasn't there to touch the hot skillet. We took our time because we weren't under the constant threat of a meltdown. No plates were thrown across the table, we didn't even blink as little kids passed by within arms reach and we laughed and talked with our kids uninterrupted. It was great! And for a while I mourned again all over the loss of a normal life for us. But then I realized, I may not appreciate this time with my other two girls as much if I didn't know a life without it. I brought myself back to earth and reminded myself my life is what it is and I have to find the best way to deal with it.
I love Camryn so much and I know without a doubt I would not be half the woman I am today without her presence in my world. She has demanded that I change, that I grow. She has humbled me, broken me and fixed me all at once and I cannot ever forget that. She is a victim, a prisoner and I have to remember that when she is expressing herself in the only ways she knows how. If I couldn't write I would no doubt be banging my head and screaming. All these words inside and no way to get them out!
I have an appointment with the neurologist this month. I have spoken with an ABA clininc and am even trying to get on the payroll at Home Depot, as their insurance covers ABA therapy. I am trying to do whatever I can to make this life we've been given the best it can be. I'm trying to bloom where I'm planted, and in the end I should be one gigantic flower, 'cause Lord knows I've had plenty of fertilizer!