The Million Dollar Question

So today I thought I would address a question that is often asked in our household, mostly by Brad and I and occasionally by Mason. It is a question that could be considered very controversial, evokes incredible emotion, and requires much thought to answer. And no matter how you reply, there is no wrong answer, even though the words you say may be met with anger and objection, which is only normal when you are dealing with a question as powerful as "If you could cure Camryn tomorrow, would you?"
Now, although Brad and I love our daughter just as much as the other,and experience the joys and sorrows of Autism with similar emotion, we are on totally different ends of the spectrum(no pun intended) when it comes to our answer.
If you were to ask him today if he could give Camryn a magic pill that would take away her Autism, I can absolutely, positively guarantee that it would take him no less than a nano-second to say "Absolutely!" And I can say this with such confidence because we have had this conversation more than once. Does this mean he doesn't love Camryn the way she is? Absolutely not! While it was extremely hard for him to accept her diagnosis, he has been the most incredible father to her, holding a very special place in his heart for this little girl, wanting to protect her from the world. Since she was a baby, he has always had a special adoration for Camryn. While he loves her no more than he does Mason and Natalie, it is a different kind of love, and I think any parent with more than one child can understand this, loving each of your children just as much but in different ways. While we watched Mason breeze through her milestones, excel in school and become an incredible little artist, we watched Camryn travel down the road slowly, with no milestones in sight. We watched her struggle in school eventually being moved to a lower functioning classroom when she was three and now at seven years old watch her with a crayon and paper, unable to make even a straight line. And as we watched Natalie rollover, sit up, crawl and walk just as she should, talk and laugh and run with the other little girls, and begin to follow in her oldest sisters footsteps as an artist, we watched Cams hesitate at the bottom of the playground steps, unsure of her balance,her sensory issues kicking in, running over to other children and pulling their hair and biting herself out of frustration. A heartache for any parent, but I think, and this is just my opinion, that men tend to have a harder time dealing with a child who has a disability because it is a mans nature to "fix" things. And I'm not saying Brad saw Camryn as "broken", I'm saying that as a father he wants his children to have everything in life and knowing that Camryn won't have the same experiences and opportunities as her sisters frustrates him to no end, because there is nothing he can do about it. Does his face light up when he wakes her in the morning and the first thing she does is snap (if you know Cam you know snapping is her signature move)? Of course. Is he overcome with love when at the end of the day she gives him a hug, even if it is rigid and quick. Absolutely. And does he display her picture in his office along with her sisters, just as proud of her as his other two daughters? Check his desk, you'll see her silly little face. But, if someone came to him and said they could cure her, take her Autism away forever, it would be a done deal. And this is because, while he loves Camryn for all she is, he wants more for her and wants her to have all the opportunities her sisters will have and that is all any parent wants for their kids.
Now I on the other hand, have a totally different perspective. And again, neither one of us is right or wrong. While I completely share in his wishes for her, I see an incredible beauty in her eternal innoncence. And I am being totally selfish here I know, but Camryn is unlike any other child I have ever met, and I have experienced things with her, both good and bad, that I never would have had she been a "normal" child. I think most moms dread the day when their child doesn't want to be hugged or kissed or tucked into bed. Or the days when you pick them up from school and they are less than thrilled to see you, already sporting an attitude two seconds after getting in the car. Or the day your daughter comes home crying because the boy at school she has a crush on asked a prettier girl to the dance. Or the night your daughter doesn't come home because another boy thought she was even prettier than that girl. All those things are coming my way with Mason and Natalie, and I dread them. But with Cams, because she sees the world differently, those things will never be an issue for us. When she gets off the bus and sees me, it's like she hasn't seen me in months, She shrieks and flaps in joy at the sight of "Mama". When I wake her in the morning, she is never filled with fear of a test or bullies at school. She always, always, always wakes with a smile and laugh, snapping and saying " I like wet food" "Wanna pet Ri-Ri". She has no worries, at least none that I can tell and her only fear is that her sisters will eat the last pickle or she won't be able to spin in the chair at Nanny's house. While Mason and Natalie are always wanting for more toys, more clothes, the usual kid things, Cams is completely content with a plastic tupperware, a few trinkets small enough to fit in it, and a spoon to stir them with. She loves money, but not for what it can buy, as she has no concept of that, but for how it feels in her hands, often holding onto coins while she sleeps and just last week "playing" with a dollar bill for an hour and half in the car, folding it,flapping it and pressing it against her mouth. And I am not at all saying that her Autism is all roses and sunshine, because it so isn't, but it has so many qualities that are beautiful and endearing. And yes there is the biting, the scratching and screaming out of frustration because she can't tell me what she is feeling. And there is the sadness and anger I feel for not having the perfect family I dreamed of. And there is the resentment of those around me who go through life never knowing the struggle of a child with Autism. And there is also the sadness of watching my other girls cry because Camryn has hurt them, or has ruined something of theirs or has caused us to leave somewhere fun early because of her meltdowns. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's hard. But, that's life, Autism or not, and I believe in my heart that my children, as well as Brad and I, are becoming better stronger people for having Camryn in our life. And while the thought of Autism being taken away, hauled off like trash to the junkyard is sometimes enticing, at the end of the day I say "No Thank You!" Yes, she would have a normal life, but who's to say "normal" is better? Normal life, while filled with happiness and joy, is also littered with pain and sadness, and if I can go to sleep at night knowing that one of my children will know nothing of the ugliness of the world, then I can sleep in peace.
And I mentioned in the beginning that Mason has also asked the question, but forgot to mention, she has also been asked it as well. And her answer could not make me more proud. She knows how Brad and I feel about it and she takes from both arguments, but in her eyes, her older sister, nine year old, innocent clear blue eyes, she sees Camryn as just Camryn. And even though Camryns Autism sometimes has her screaming and crying, asking "Why do I have to deal with this?" that is still her sister. Her little sister who says crazy things at the dinner table, making her spit out her drink in laughter. Her little sister who adores her so much that she cries to hold Mason's hand over mine.The little sister who kids at school sometimes make fun of to which she tells them! The little sister who has inspired her to work with Special Needs children when she grows up, already planning a center she wants to open called "Camryn's Corner", where children can come and do all the things that Cams loves to do, particularly pet all kinds of animals. She loves Cam just the way she is and although it is a big question for such a little girl, I truly believe her when she says "I wouldn't trade Camryn for a million dollars!"