Sometimes it's good to be different

Ok I'm back! Haven't posted in a few days becuase Brad was out of town for the weekend and I don't think anything else needs to be said. So, having survived a very busy past couple of days, I am finally regaining some sanity while the kids are in school and Natalie is at my mother-in-laws (thank God for her!!!) Right before I dropped her off she was talking about all the people she loved. She started with the all stars, me of course, Daddy, Nanny, Gigo(my mom), Riley(the dog), and then finished up with Pug(her stuffed dog) and Mason, with a long list of names in between. There were the usuals and some I didn't expect, but nowhere in her rambling professions of love for people did Camryns name ever come up. I kept waiting, figuring she would be mentioned right after Mason,you know, in the sister category, but no, not a word about Cams."Is there anybody else you love?" I asked, hoping it might alert her to the fact that she forgot to mention her other sister. "Nope, that's it!" she replied, perfectly content with her list. "What about Cams? You didn't say you love Cams!" "I don't wuv Cams! She hurts me and she hurts Mason and Mason is my best fwend,so I don't wuv her!" she said emphatically and then went back to brushing Pug. Now this isn't the first time I have heard her say something like this. She often times talks about how much she loves Mason and how Mason is the bestest friend she ever saw, regardless of the fact that Mason vocalizes on a daily basis how she wishes Natalie didn't exist.Yes, it's very endearing. While I think it is so sweet and incredibly precious that Nat feels this way about her older sister, I can't help but wonder what she feels for her other older sister, the not so bestest friend she ever saw, the one that tends to be a little more on the aggressive side. "What about Cams?" I would ask, "Is she your bestest friend too?" No,she pulls my hair, I don't like her! I know, Mason can be my best friend and you can be Cams best friend!" "Okay", I say, thinking well that works out great as I already am Cams best friend seeing as I'm pretty much the only one she can pinch, scratch, bite, kick, and pee on and I will still want to hang out with her. The other kids? Not so much.
And it's not just Natalie that feels this way. Mason also has a hard time dealing with Camryn's aggression and screaming, and who can blame her? I am 34 and still have to stop short of hurling myself off the roof when Cams is in her room screaming and "growling" for what seems like an eternity. So how can I expect a 9 year old child to have any more patience than I do when she is trying to watch T.V. and her sister is creating so much commotion that even at the highest volume, the show cannot compete with Camryns vocal cords. Or in the middle of the night, let's say at about 3:00 a.m., when Camryn wakes up for no apparent reason, as she often does, and doesn't just wake up, but wakes up screaming at the top of her lungs, standing at her gate, waiting for me to let her out. I'm way on the other side of the house and these outbursts startle the living crap out of me, so I can only imagine how it must feel to be just across the hallway when this happens. And sometimes I go get her, and other times I let her scream, knowing she will eventually lay back down and I can't let her think that she can keep doing this. But while we wait it out, it is comparable to seven inch nails scraping down a chalkboard, basically pure and utter torture.And again, I am on the other side of the house, 34 years old and her mom. So why should I expect her older, but not by much sister who did not carry her in her womb for nine months and therefore has no maternal affection for her AND has to get up bright and early for school, to wait it out calmly, understanding the need to teach Camryn that when she wakes up she has to learn to quietly go back to bed? I don't know why, but I do. Often times Mason will get so frustrated that she starts screaming too, which then wakes up Natalie, who also chimes in, which then aggravates Brad who has to get up in a few hours, which then has me completely crazy out of my mind and on the war path to Mason's room where I yell at her for yelling at Cams who is yelling at who knows what. And while the words are coming out of my mouth, I am thinking to myself, "How can you demand this little girl to have any sort of self control when you don't have any yourself?" But at three o'clock in the morning, with three kids screaming and a frustrated husband wanting you to shut them up,that's as good as it gets, so forgive me if I don't stroll into the bedroom twirling a pink parasol,sit on the edge of the bed and have a heart to heart talk about feelings and then curtsy on my way out the door. Eventually the screaming stops and we manage to salvage a couple more hours of sleep and the next morning I feel like a major contender for the title of "Worst Mother of the Year." I always make sure to talk about it with Mason on our way to school though, when Camryn is on the bus and we can have an uninterrupted conversation. I apologize for yelling, explain to her that it wasn't the right way to handle it, that I understand how she is feeling and how frustrating it can be to be Camryn's sister. I acknowledge all that she goes through and all that she has to sacrifice because her sister has Autism. I let her tell me how she feels and let her know that no matter how ugly her thoughts, they are normal. Even kids with "normal" siblings have days when they wish they would disappear off the face of the earth never to return again. Why, I had many a day when I would have been perfectly happy with aliens abducting my older brother, whom we now refer to as "Uncle Tommy". He drove me insane with his incessant gas and adoration for giving wedgies. But at the end of the day, he was my brother and for all the annoying things he did, I loved him, after all somebody had to. And I try to explain that with Cams, most of the things she does are not intentional. She is not trying to jolt us all out of bed in the dead of night just to see us all in a tizzy. She wakes up and get's startled herself, and not being able to walk out of her room because of the gate, she screams, because she is not able to put into words how she is feeling. Whereas if Mason or Natalie were scared they would simply come to my room and tell me. Mason nods in understanding. She's a very smart girl and I know she already knows all this stuff I'm telling her. I just kinda have to say it, it says so in the Mom book.  And then we talk about how when Camryn pulls her hair or pinches her, it's not because she dislikes Mason, but because she is obviously frustrated or upset, or sometimes even excited and when Autsim has her tongue, she lets her hands do the talking. Again, Mason will nod, because again she knows all this and everything else I go on to say. And while it is comforting to know your mom understands, it still doesn't take away the anger, frustration and resentment of a nine year old little girl, who has been forced to grow up in a non-traditional manner. She often says, "None of my other friends have to deal with a sister like Camryn! I hate Autism! Why do I have to be different?" And it's true, none of her other friends have sisters who scream and bite themselves in the car on the way home, or who cause the whole family to leave a restaurant early because they can't take the stimulation anymore, or who pinch their skin and pull their hair when they are trying to read them a book. And for those reasons, my heart breaks for her. But, then I remind her how none of her other friends have a sister who says some of the craziest things you will ever hear that make us roar in laughter, or a sister who runs over to them in the cafeteria at school calling "Sister Mason, sister Mason!" biting herself out of sheer joy that her sister is there. But most importantly, none of her friends have a sister who, despite how far Cam has come and hopefully will continue to, will need them for the rest of her life and because of Mason (and Nat) will always have someone watching out for her, taking care of her, and never being alone. And that, I tell Mace, is something really, really special. And she knows that too, and she smiles a proud smile, because I know that makes her feel important, and special and... different than all her other friends. Only this time, it's in a good way.