Poop Diaries....Entry #1057

That's it!!! I give up!!! I am done, finished, over it!! I have made up my mind and noone can talk me out of it! I quit!!! Oh, but wait, I can't quit because I am a mom and mom's can't quit or the world will fall off it's axis, orNiagara Falls will come to a halt, or something catastrophic like that!
The reason for my extreme frustration and hissy fit stems from the usual suspect around here...poop. Ten years people!! Ten years I have been cleaning up poop from bottoms, underwear and grout lines. And okay, if this is to be my fate for years to come than so be it, but dear God can I please take a shower without being summoned to a cleanup???
So yesterday I am in a long awaited shower. It had been a crazy day and after cleaning and laundry, walking out in the sunny weather and running after the kids I really needed a shower. And scheduling a shower while Camryn is home is akin to scheduling a shuttle launch....conditions must be precisely right! It was looking promising though...Camryn had been bathed, had eaten dinner and the most important thing to check off on the pre-launch inspection....she had pooped in the potty, so I felt pretty confident that although there would be screaming and crying when I put her in her room, the chances of a blowout were slim to nil.
Mason and Nat were down in the family room doing homework and for a brief but glorious moment all was right with the world. I stepped into the shower and  lathered myself up. And I'm talking lathered! I have a lot of hair so it requires a lot of shampoo and conditioner and I always use a facial scrub, so the only thing free of suds were my eyes. I was totally enjoying the hot water pelting my shoulders and the tingly feeling of the  scrub creeping into my pores AND THEN....... the dreaded words.... "I pooped. Mommy did you poop?" I was so mad!!! "You have got to be f***ing kidding me!!!" I said to myself as I frantically scrubbed the shampoo out of my hair and cream off my face. "Okay Camryn, I'm coming!!!" I shouted through the curtain. "Pooped.....I pooped honey!" she kept screaming from her room. "Just once I would like to take a f***ing shower without all this bulls**t!" Oh I was mad and had I been Catholic would have needed to go to confession for the amount of swearing that was going on as I rinsed off like a madwoman. Just as I grabbed a towel for my hair I heard Camryn say "Did you pee honey? I peed Mommy." And sure enough as I emerged from the bathroom stark naked except for the towel wrapped like a turban on my head  there it was.....a big, squishy pile of poop swimming in a sea of urine, all with Camryn standing directly on top, like a candle on a really gross cake. I don't cuss in front of my kids, but the words that were going on under my breath would have made sailors blush. I honestly didn't know where to start, so I began with a big shout out to Mason and Natalie that they better stay where they were and if they came anywhere near the scene they would be in big trouble! I did not need any more of my children smeared in feces! I grabbed Camryn by her arm and held onto her as she lifted her feet out of the sticky poop.I led her to the bathroom leaving a trail of poopy footprints, over the bathroom rug which was then covered in poop and soooo going in the trash and into the bath. Before I sat her down I got about two inches from her face and very sternly said "WE DO NOT POOP ON THE FLOOR!!! WE POOP IN THE POTTY!! I AM VERY SAD WITH YOU!!!!" and then I whacked her bottom. She thought the words were funny but when I spanked her she cried, which is good because I knew she was crying that I was mad not because it hurt. I know it may sound horrible, but I cannot let her think it is okay to s**t all over her floor at eight years old. She knows better...I know she does. Either that or it is the biggest frickin coincidence in the world that EVERY time I get in the shower her bowels move. So I put her in the bath and head back to start the cleanup. Now mind you I am completely nude, and it is the middle of the afternoon so the blinds and curtains are open, and I am rushing through the house trying to get something to wipe this up with, but I couldn't have cared less who saw me or what they thought! I started to grab the paper towels but then realized that was never going to do so I grabbed a towel out of the closet and threw it on top of the mess. I checked in on Camryn in the bath to make sure she hadn't gotten a hold of the soap or shampoos and squeezed them all out in the tub as she loves to do and of course she had! Brads "man soap" as I refer to it was in her grip and by that time nearly empty as the surrounding water filled with manly smelling bubbles. Uuuuugggghhhh!! I grabbed the bottle, put it up high and went back to the mess.....and I was still nude. I decided just to cut my losses with the bath towel and the rug and throw them away. There is not enough Tide nor hot water in the world to convince me that all traces of poop would be gone after a couple rounds in the washing machine. I gathered them up very carefully so as not to get the poop on me and walked butt naked past my front window to the garbage can, then back to Cam's room with a bottle of spray bleach. About a hundred squirts later I felt I covered every possible area that might have been affected and then used almost an entire roll of paper towels to wipe up the room, the trail to the bathroom and the toilet seat where Cam had sat down for a brief moment before her spanking. I then walked through the living room again with a handful of nasty paper towels and as I was washing my hands in the kitchen sink, still naked as Lady Godiva, Mason decides to whistle at me and says "Nice outfit". I don't think you will be surprised to hear that I was NOT in the mood for joking and I let her know that as well. I went to get Camryn out of the tub and get her dried off. I put a clean pair of panties on her and told her she had to go in her room because she pooped on the floor and that was sad. She started crying and screaming so I closed the door and locked it, which was a suggestion given to me by a professional when asked what to do when she throws fits in her room. Door closed and locked, she then started banging her head against it screaming and saying "Did you bang your head honey?" I figured that after I got dressed I should also pack a small bag because surely DCF would be arriving any minute and that would be fine because I was so ready!! After about ten minutes the screaming stopped and I opened her door and let her out. I was now fully clothed at the relief of the neighbors and in need of another shower, but there was no way I was trying that again! I managed to keep the poop off everywhere but my hands and with about a half a bottle of liquid Dial I felt sanitized enough until this morning. Now that I was no longer cleaning up a crime scene in the buff, 'cause really that should be a crime, I was able to relax a little and find some humor in Mason's whistling epsiode. The whole time I was running around naked with towels covered in poop, Mason and Natalie were in the family room taking it all in. We don't save for college around here, we save for therapy because these little ladies are going to need lots of it!! We managed to salvage the evening by going for a drive over the famous
"thrill hill" and down by the waterfront. It was nearly dark by that time, but Camryn had her sunglasses on and a candy necklace stuffed completely into her mouth, string and all, just sitting there looking out the window sucking on the sugary beads. I looked over at her and laughed. At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, all the poop is cleaned and the urine mopped up, I know why I don't quit and it's sitting there right beside me and behind me, my three girls. As crazy as it gets, as gross as it gets, as ugly as it gets and it gets ugly (did I mention I was cleaning naked??) I know how blessed I am to be ringleader of this three ring circus and despite the hurdles and setbacks the show must go on.....and so it does.